Caray, Caray!

The truth shall set you free…
I am a great believer in the truth, without the truth you are treading on quicksand. Sometimes people don’t like the truth, which if fine. Sometimes I don’t tell the truth as in “Does this make my butt look big?”. However, I try to be as truthful as possible when relating this recap. The truth is this, these are some of the most stupid persons to grace a tale. If stupidity could power cars, polar bears would elect Juan President of the Earth. Seriously, we spent the first two nights of this craptastic story, watching Bernardo make sweet Feb/Dec love to young mentally deficient Libia. (Feb/Dec as in not even in the same year). This was barely legal (I’m not actually sure if it would be legal, due to her age and her child like mental state, however I am not versed on the legalities so we will just stick with bad form). Since that time we have endured the same drawn out, overplayed hand. The only thing that has changed is somewhere along the dull endless path, Sofie popped a kid out, Juan went on a sabbatical to visit Indians, who thought he was smart, how sad is that?

Should this be recapped as a lovely tale of star-crossed love, yearning, angst and hope. Nope that was Romeo and Juliet, or maybe Hamlet (see if Sofie is Hamlet & Fer is the Uncle), anyway this is just mindless dribble that goes nowhere until the Gran Fin, which will be presented as a huge happy event and everyone will live happily ever after (as if…these people will still be stupid and fall pray to the next Huckster that comes along).

Okay we start with Juan Dear checking out the new John Deere, he and Oscar are all shades of excited about it. Me too. Next thing you know, these wild Amish boys will be experimenting with zippers, blast those buttons. Pad Tad comes along with a handy bottle of holy water, yes indeed what will protect the small glen from evil? Holy water! Studies show nothing puts a psychotic rapists killer like Fer in his place quite like a good sprinkling of Holy water. Well the tractor and the Reyes have had a through soaking of "Pad Tad's Holy Water" available at the Girl's Craptastic Shop of Unwanted items, right next to the St. Candles and Candles to help you win the lottery.

Meanwhile, Gabi has threatened to throw the daughters into the street. This poses quite a problem…hey kids what is three squared? Yes, I mean squared as in math, not in the backward, hick mannerisms of this backwoods tribe. That’s right, three hijas, + three munchkins, + three “Will work for time off in Purgatory” Catholic Sisters. Egads, they are like a freaking battalion.

Abuelo comes to the rescue, he along with his new main-squeeze lay down the law to Gabi. He will sell his portion of the land. Pa’s new amante chimes in. She says Pa & she are getting married. Gabi is furious.
I saw this very same thing this morning on “Casos de Familia”, except the people are Cuban and they all talk really fast and the unlike Jerry Springer, the hostess gets all up in their business. All I can say is at least Gramps hasn’t impregnated his amante yet.

Don What the Hell’s his name? comes over to chat up the Reyes. You know rich guy with white hair, low forhead & three buxom hormonal daughters or nieces. Wait I think his name is Don Clemente, oh well anyway…it is his daughter’s birthday and she’d like a big heaping helping of Juan Reyes for her birthday.
I know I’d love it if Juan came to my birthday party, in these trying economic time it would save the expense of a pinata. Hold me back cause I’m afraid if I ever once started I’d beat him to death.

Before setting off for the festivities Juan opens the magical trunk of unending Reyes trivia. He pulls out an awesome family crest. OMG, where did that come from? What else is hiding in the box of treasures? I realize that most of you saw the crest, but were unable to read the family motto. Thus after much research and using techniques for enhancing images (sorry this is normally only available to persons with a connection to the CIA) I was able to isolate the family motto. Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem - In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags. How fitting, perhaps the early Reyes noted the Mal effects of interbreeding.
Anyway, Juan pulls down a piece of Craptastic décor and hangs the Reyes Family Crest.

Over at Party Central, the three girls, Julianna (the one who wants to get jiggy with Juan) & Ellie Mae (that being the buxom blonde with way too much make-up) & Latina (I don’t know her name) set out incredible plates of Keebler Club Crackers and cheese spread, plates of lunch meat and other party favorites. Ellie Mae & Latina start teasing Julianna about Juan. Julianna is quite smitten with Juan and she doesn’t care about Sofie, there is nothing between Juan and Sofie (yeah, if you can over look that litter of ninas). Suddenly Julianna looks weak and clutches her stomach. Is she succumbing to that constipated look that freezes the face of everyone who encounters the Reyes clan? No it is only the gut wrenching excitement of Juan the Ulimate Hombre. I sure young JuliAnna is worried about seeming trite or uneducated in the presence of a thinker like Juan.

Now having been a TeleNovela viewer for awhile now, audience stiffen your spines..this girl is living on borrowed time. Anytime you see a scene like that, time to tie up loose ends.

Now we see the tumor head guy, his Ma & his wife. They are reading a letter from his brother. Seems the brother is doing quite well and his Natalie or whatever her name was pregnant.

Now off to the clinic, tumor guy and his wife are concerned that she has not yet become pregnant. Meanwhile some Catholic Sister comes in and gives Doc the results for the Reyes Litter. The Doc reads them and gets a concerned look on his face about one of the Reyes daughters. Can she make her last will and testament in crayon?

Hey jail Dude is out, the one who did time for not killing Ber. So to make a side story short. Padre hires him to help out around the church.

Meanwhile the fiesta is going great, lots of people…eating drinking, having fun. The girls are distressed cause you can’t have an a party of rich landowners without the Kings. Kings, Reyes…get it?
We hear a “Bueno” “Tardes”, see Juan said Bueno & Oscar said Tardes. These guys are so cute, I want to coat them in silver and put them on a charm bracelet. JuliAnna is thrilled beyond belief. She literally wraps herself around Juan. Ellie & Latina proceed to make an Oscar sandwich. Some mention is made of Franco, but beats the hell out of me, where he was. These girls are all just up on it with Juan & Oscar. I just don’t get it. I mean I see other guys there, what is it with the Reyes boys. I mean have all women had some kind of GPS homing device implanted in their nether regions and it points to the Reyes missile?

Okay Doc Doom visits Sofie and gives her the bad news that one of the unrelated triplets has a heart birth defect. Yeah and you thought it was going to be a brain defect. Anyway, I don’t know what the deal is except something will happen before the kid turns two and she may have to have an operation. Sofie of the tear filled doe eyes, tells her sisters and takes off to tell Juan.

She tells Quitana who spills the news that Juan is off, rubbing bodies with someone else, dancing. Have you ever heard of such a thing. Dancing in the broad daylight. Sofie gets that normal Sofie, “God give me strength” look, with her little pink chapped lips and teary doe eyes. She decides to go home rather than seek Juan during his dance fever.

Okay back at the fiesta, Julianna is rubbing all over Juan and trying to get him to dance, he is rather stoic. Suddenly JuliAnna faints, I don’t know if it is her mysterious condition or perhaps a short circuit in her homing device.

Sofie marches into Gabes bedroom as Gabi is painting another one of her psycho everything is black paintings, Sofie tells her one of the kids is sick and she is not leaving, nor or her sisters. She must defend her children and she will fight every step of the way.

Don Clemente confides to Juan that Julianna has been struck by Leukemia, the all encompassing disease that strikes each one of this TeleNovela’s producers storylines…lest we forget La Madestra or Mundo de Fieras? “Juan Cristobel es muy grave”. Pa Clemente days Julianna doesn’t know (maybe she just thinks she is clumsy) and he doesn’t want her to know so her remaining time will be happy. This leads me to believe that she has had no treatment. Probably not the best defense. He wants Juan to help make her happy. Read into this what you will.

Okay I think some time passed as we got to see the always full moon.

Padre Tad is in the church praying. Suddenly he senses the aura of evil. Yep, Fer is home. He comes in and starts hinting around to the Padre. He does a kind of informal confession. Yep he confesses he killed Armando, Dr. Gomez & Ros. He counts them on his fingers. Geez, if he kills anymore he is going to have to start wearing sandels. Of course during all this we hear very dramatic snake rattling. Tad calls him animal of the devil, snake, says he will never get forgiveness. You know the normal things that really make a crazed serial killer rethink their actions. The light on Fer’s face turns the usual red, in case we are sure that Fer is Satan. (This may offend some people, but like I care? Here goes, I get that to be a priest you have to have faith, but no Fer isn’t Satan, I mean give credit where credit is due, like Satan would marry Gabi? Fer is just a bully who gets away with it because he is allowed to. The good and well meaning Padre now knows each and everyone of Fer’s murders and rapes, and all he is going to do is pray on it). Meanwhile he has allowed three toddler girls to live in that house, does “Come to Grandpa” not send a chill up your spine? Fer touches Tad on the chest and Tad has to run into the other sanctuary to have some one on one time with Mary & Jesus. I wonder why Fer didn’t mention he also was boning Raquel? Maybe if you are married to Gabi that isn’t a sin.

Juan is harassing Quintana cause of Sofie stopping by while he was doing his Night Fever act. Eva comes in and tells him the kid is sick.

Juan goes to see Sofie, she is going over the books. The maid can’t let Juan in, he is banished from the house, yet again. Sofie comes out and she is looking all shades of festive, I believe she must be concerned about her womanly charms as it appears she has one of those waist slimmers around her waist, right over her sensible white blouse and long prairie skirt. Here’s a thought, get up off your buttocks and move around a little sister, take care of those three kids you wanted so bad. Anyway, Juan queries the health of the child. Sofie is in full bitch mode, she doesn’t need Juan, she can do just fine by herself. He was off at a dance..a dance can you believe it? Rather than sitting around waiting for Sofie the annoying to summon him. Gawd I hate Sofie, she just screams pious, self reliant, yeah I’d be self reliant too if I had a Rent A Nun. Gabi comes out and starts in, Sofie to make her point grabs Gabi’s arm and says that Sofie does not need Juan for anything, she has her loving family. Good Sofie, Good cause there are other GPS’s tracking that missile. Juan finally gives up and leaves. Gabi kisses Sofie on the cheek.

Elsewhere in the field of dreams, the other two annoying sisters are telling Oscar & Franco, that the boys are dead to them. They are so not needed. You know Jimena creeps me out, she allows has that vacant unblinking look, I can’t tell if she is going catatonic or if she is just stupid.

Once again this episode was lacking a barely clad bathroom scene between adult males, I just can’t understand it, cause nothing says Mexico like men in their forties (well Franco is younger) wearing tighty whitey’s and towel snapping. You know what would be really awesome? Maybe if they put a full Marachi band in the bathroom with them and then they all sang while snapping the towel. Really I don’t understand it? There is a Cable channel in Canada that shows a lot of shows like that, it is called the Outtv channel. Huh go figure?

Now tomorrow, Fer is back, Juan walks into the Dorm and Ruth is back and in bed with a sheet barely covering her, Juan just stares…who knows maybe Sofie left her clothes on. Yeah like that would be a stretch.

Also either Paladin has come to Mexidoon or it is Ricardo Uribe, we see black boots & black pants. After walking for two years Ricky is home.

Labels: Fuego