Caray, Caray!

I apologize ahead of time for this recap, I think maybe the scenes aren’t in order, but I believe Tio Elf glamoured me right in the beginning. (I learned from HBO’s TrueBlood that Vampires can look you in the eye and glamour you, which means you will let them suck your blood, take your money & forget what happened). I think maybe Elves can do the same, cause all I really remember with great detail is that Tio Elf outfit.

We review Juan’s conversation with his Elf like uncle. Seriously WTF is up with that heavily embroidered? Well either he has a gig as Santa’s helper or it is vacation time at Keebler. Anyway Tio Elf tells Juan, that Ber was no killer. He says Gabi was lying and after all who profited by the death of the Reyes parents? Jeez not us the viewing audience. Ahhhh Ricardo Uribe.

Next we see spurs on the hardwood, Yadda Yadda Yadda, Juan knocks Ric down, draws back his fist..Ric pulls out a pistol with a very long barrel, ah compensate much? Anyway he shoots the gun, he blows Juan’s head off. As if!!!! That would have been so great, Pablito would have been set for life. He is the only one who knows how to make the 7,000 calorie Sofie Pan. Soon like any good dealer he would have had fat patrons Jonesing for carbs & fat. The kid would have had it made.
However, Ricardo only shot the rafter. Loser. So Juan threatens him some more. Says he doesn’t believe Ricardo was the owner of the hacienda, no papers. So on so forth… Ricardo says Ber was happy to take the money in exchange for the land.

As Juan leaves Raquel enters, tells Ricardo that all hell will break loose. I guess having the crap smacked outta of her for thirty or forty years has not dimmed Raquel’s desire to get the last word in…just once.
Ricardo threatens Raquel a bit more.

Sofie is all Scarlett rebuilding Tara, she is going to put in a pump to bring the river water up to the fields of non-growing a freeking thing. She tells Fer that he must work or go to jail. He gets handed a giant scythe thing that he promptly puts up against a tree as he watches the rest of the common folk labor. Fer jumps up just in time to avoid having his life end due to the falling scythe. The ghost or angel or figment of Fer sexually frustrated brain, Ros swoops down to tell him that he is a murderer and he will pay. Fer is sweating big time. No puede ser, X fifty. Dude is having a seriously bad day.

Juan rides up and tries to talk to snotty Sofie who is in her wicked Lil House, leather coat outfit. She is now officially a businesswoman. He tells her that Ricardo Uribe says he paid Ber the bucks for the land.
Sofie just dismisses Juan cause she is Woman & she had a really cool leather coat and equally cool leather hat.

Root is lying on her bed, in one of Sofies ninas, white shirts, it must belong to one of the kids cause it sure doesn’t fit Root, she is wearing lowrider jeans with leather chaps and leather gloves. I guess she doesn’t want to leave finger prints as she strokes herself. Mostly she thinks how much she hates Sofie. I think a lot about how much I hate Sofie, but I am much more versatile than Root, I can hate Sofie, while I am vertical and fully dressed.

Gabi is standing in her room looking in a wardrobe, Sofie comes in and she slams the wardrobe door really quick. Maybe that is where she keeps her blow up doll, Reggie, he is so buff and loves her so much and never, evah talks back.

Sofie comes in and says Ricardo Uribe says he paid Ber for the land. Gabi says yes indeed this is the truth. Sofie is left to lick her lips and wander off with her pink eyes. Gabi drags out a picture and starts in thinking how Sofie must suffer, cry and suffer. As if? Where the hell has Gabi been thru this crapfest? Sofie has done nothing but suffer and whine. Anyway, Sofie must do this cause Ber was not her father, Ber was not her father (we get the lovely echo)
--Cut to break—

Okay We get the taunting…yadda yadda yadda, finally Gabi spits out…
Another was your father…Another
I guess Gabi didn’t know Another’s last name. It was just Otra.
---Yeah big dramatic moment there…like we really thought it would be revealed---

Okay Tio Elf comes by to see, Gabi.
Once she realizes he doesn’t have that weeks shipment of Club Crackers, she tells him to get out. He is all shades of Elfen pissed, there goes any chance bitch had for the pot of gold. He tells Gabi she is a liar, his brother JJRobles never loved her, didn’t even like her and thought she was a tranny. JJRobles was true to his wife and Ber never killed the couple, cause Ber too thought Gabi was a tranny and was too busy nailing Eva and scopeing out young babes to ever get jealous over Gabi. With that in your face, Tio Elf whirls on his little magic heels, (elfin curled toed boots with cowboy heels) and sets off for his Santa’s helper stint in Puebla’s ToysRUs. Gabi gets no respect.

Gramps & Santa are up in his room, gluing faces of dead folks in a scapbook & trying to do their best Sherlock Holmes to solves the many murders of Mexidoom. Gabi comes in and like a thirteen year old with a playboy, the book is slammed shut. Gabi acts like she doesn’t care, but of course she does. Instead she tells Santa to stay away from Fer. Now that is so sad when you are like sixty and you have to tell your future eighty year old stepmom to keep her paws off your forty year old husband.

Now for some comic relief, Quitana picks up one of the towngossip sisters for a ride in Quitana’s motorcycle taxi. This leads to hijinks as they arrive at the church and the lady’s hair is all messed up and she accuses Quitana of trying to kill her. Oh the hilarity.

Sofie wanders in to visit her three kids, who are basically locked up in that small room with the three rent a nuns & Eva. Sofie comes in to greet them like any good plantation owning female would as the children bond to their Mammies. Sofie dumps more gloom and doom on Eva who is such a willing scrapegoat. I would totally love to have an Eva.

Meanwhile Root decides to hate Sofie even more and goes into Sofie’s room to dig up anything that could screw Sofie over. I think this is a lame ass idea as we know Princess would have nothing bad or evil in her room. Root finds the Evil Snake belt.

Root takes it to Pa Snake. This is my belt he exclaims what was Sofie doing with it in her room? Hmmmm
He comes up with the idea of kicking the crap outta Raquel to find the answer.
Meanwhile Raquel while still wearing her Judy Garland glasses is talking to Gabi, Gabi has had enough Drama for one day and orders Raquel to take off the glasses, Raquel has the black eye. Ewwwww Gabi gets the story that Ricardo smacked her and guess what it isn’t the first time.

Root runs into to Ma and Gabi, Root says that Pa is pissed deluxe over the belt being stolen.
Gabi gets all huffy and says she will take care of it.

Raquel confronts sticky finger Fer over the belt. She says he swiped it while he was boinking her and now Ricardo was going to kill both of them. Jeez Fer is all sweaty and nasty and his day just keeps getting worse and worse.

Fer wanders into Gabi’s bedroom which I guess is his too. He calls out her name a couple of times, she is not there. Then he remembers that Root hates Sofie and Root is staying in his room.

Fer is now in his room, searching through the drawers. Root comes in she starts questioning Fer about taking a shower. I really don’t recall what was said, but he is shirtless and looks pretty good, after all he is glistening with the sweat of having the crap scared out of him by the ghost of Ros and doing labor with an extremely toxic hangover. For awhile it looks like Root and Fer are gonna play hide the salami, but Fer’s very, very bad day continues and yet another woman leaves him high and dry.

Meanwhile the three hornster females that live with Don Clemente are talking about hookin up with the Reyes boys. JuliAnna finds Sofie and tries to talk to her about Juan. Of course Sofie is all, oh he is free so don’t talk to me about it. JuliAnna keeps trying to talk to Sofie, Sofie continues with her holier than thou, act until JuliAnna finally faints. Yeah nice to know you just made a dying person spend twenty minutes of their remaining life trying to talk to you, while you refused. Yeah Sofie real nice, I guess it is fair to say Sofie didn’t know JuliAnna was dying, of course it is also fair to say JuliAnna didn’t know Sofie was such a Douche.

Next scene Sofie is doing her best concerned good person look to Don Clemente. He tells her JuliAnna is very ill. Gee, if Sofie would have known that she was probably would have trimmed five minutes off the torture time. Doc Worthless comes down to say JuliAnna is not long for this world and she wants to see Juan.
Juan is baking when Sofie comes into the kitchen, of course he lights up, thinking she has come to see him. She only relays the message that JuliAnna has one foot in the grave and the other is slipping.

Juan goes to see JuliAnna and she asks him if she is sick? Is this not just the worst story line? Jeez is she gonna be surprised when she dies, I hope she hasn’t made any long term plans. Juan skirts the issue and tries to put her in a better mood. She says she would like a Seranata, which I guess means she wants the boys to come over and sing. Although if Franco is not available perhaps Ava Maria at her funeral would suffice.

Gabi enters the Cabana & tells Ricardo that Ber had a snake belt. No way, mine was unique. Gabi laughs it off. They speak of the RoblesReyes murder and that makes Gabi think of other festive times past. Gabi goes on a snake hunt and next thing you know, she and Ric are bumping buckles and it is only a matter of moments before the snake is freed from his cage.

Okay I remember nothing about what is coming up…
I think a lot of this is out of order, but damn nothing ever happens, it is the same over and over and over…except that whole elf thing which really threw me. I must comment again, that was the most bizarre twinkle toed costume I have seen in a long while.

Labels: Fuego