Caray, Caray!

Despite everything, I want to thank everyone who comments on my recaps. I know that I don’t really engage with all of you, but that’s because I don’t have much time. I read every comment and I appreciate all of you. I’d say that I do this because I love Mexican culture and I want to promote the Hispanic community among the bloggers, but then I’d be lying—I do it for the sex appeal. Now, I understand that some people are bothered by my political affiliations. Here’s the thing, Republicans lie and Democrats steal (or is it Democrats lie and Republicans steal?). Anyway, the point is, if you’re “offended” by what I say, just know that you’re only as retarded as I think you are.

Ah, I just knew FELS would go Danielle Steele on us. Remember: when the ratings drop, so do the panties. Oh! Just a wet dream. Well, if Root can dream it, she can do it—all of it. Isn’t it a pity that all of Juan’s day wet-dreaming stars Sofia? Gee, rough night. No one can sleep, and everyone is having sexual dreams. Must mean no one’s getting much. Then again, sometimes I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

God, doesn’t anyone sleep around here? So far everyone is awake, and everyone wants to go to Puebla at 3:00 in the morning. At least that’s where Fernie took Santa. Well, what better time to do inventory in the Bakery. Uh oh. Someone’s on the roof, and I bet it isn’t Santa’s little reindeer. The boys round up the guns, but Juan’s baker’s apron prevents him from running and his aim gets all messed up when he has to shoot through bars. I think the guy got away considering Juan shot at the dirt.

Root is tossing and turning, and with a bra like that, I would too (I mean, if I had... nvm.) She exposes her sistas to the cool night sky. The perspiration on her chest indicates that she’s charged when she sees her dad. She tells herself several times that it’s her dad, just in case she tries to make a move on him, too. She's not exactly what you'd call a blushing flower...

Seems like Raquel finally entered herself in that celebrity rehab program. I mean, why else does she walk around with Judy Garland hair, sunglasses, and scarf? Apparently Root destroyed Eva’s youth, and beat Root, or something. The moment of truth; Raquel removes the glasses to display her Ricky wounds. “He’s a bad man, Eva, you must leave.” Nonsense, Eva’s taken beatings with the best of ‘em. She even sort of likes it in a sadistic/religious way.

Root goes to see Daddy, and like everyone else, he couldn’t sleep either (anyone see a trend?). Maybe the producers think that the viewers won't notice as much shit at night, or it might be cheeper. She insists to know if he was getting any action while she was fast asleep. He went to see the Reyes’s mansion where he has something very important hidden. He won’t tell her what it is and she feels bewildered and betrayed; how much rejection can a girl take?

Apparently Gramps has sent Santa on a secret mission to sabotage Fernie. The true test is if Fernie can get it up with a 80+ died-haired woman. She’s good, but she’s not that good. She’s going for the “I pour you twenty shots, I drink one shot slowly” routine. You go girl, get him drunk then make a video and hold it against him so he can’t run for public office or date anyone in the state.

When Gabi can’t sleep she creates art—mainly by coloring Fernie’s picture with black paint. Now more than ever she’s sure that Ricky Uribe was the only man who really loved her, and keeps loving her. Let’s see… first it was Bernie, then Fernie, then it was Juan’s daddy, now it’s Ricky. Let’s not forget that the scenes change, but the dialogue doesn’t…

Oh my God, why is so much going on in the middle of the night? Eva, bless her three little brain cells, thinks it’d be a good time to shuffle on over to Juan’s house to tell him that she fought with Raquel; even though it was more like Raquel talked and Eva took the blows. She’s very confused and thinks that Ricky doesn’t know that Root is his daughter. Since Eva is no longer safe for Raquel, I mean at Raquel’s, she’s going to shack up over at Sofia’s Orphanage and Boarding House for Losers: We take anyone who might seem like a good investment. “You should have seen Sofia mouth-off to Gabi, so brave, so strong.” Yes, compared to being bitch-slapped by Gabi on a regular basis, that was a heroic moment for both Sofia and Eva.

Just to illustrate how freekin’ ridiculous this is, Santa put in a hard night’s work and ended up getting Fernie hammered at that same bar in Puebla. First of all, bars close; second of all, Fernie would not be conscious enough to lift the glass to his lips; third of all, Santa would have been knocked-out cold from the coffee hours ago. Fernie’s now one of those emotional drunks who relates childhood memories when he’s plastered. Of course, the alcohol is not talking at this point, so he’s very reliable. He tells Santa that Ricky Uribe ruined his family, making them poor. He’s now officially the poor little rich boy. This brings another meaning to that song about salty bar nuts.

Fernie stumbles home drunk and almost succeeds in taking his clothes off. All he needs is Eva to come in and “help him” so that she can get laid for the second time in her life and have an illegitimate kid—again! Maybe she’d be able to keep that one…

Santa comes back to a very buff, very self-conscious Gramps. He’s jealous that she spent the evening with such an attractive man. Well, it doesn’t count because he was drunk. Anyway, it was in the name of justice and self-preservation. Now, the plan is to find out more about Ricky and ruin Fernie…

The dreams keep coming, and the former Go-Go Girl Rosie appears to Fernie in a dream. She tells him that she has returned to ruin him. In case you didn’t hear her the first five times, she repeated it another five. What is it with repeating lines? I think the writers know that they have so little information that they want to reiterate it whenever they can so it seems like more. Just like every “Primer Impacto/ Noticiero Univision/ Ultima Hora” segment.

Now I’m just a youngin’, but I don’t know anyone who drinks two bottles of Tequila by himself, articulates the problems of his youth, drives home from Puebla, gets in bed, wakes-up minutes later, and recounts his dreams. It just doesn’t happen. But it did tonight, and Gabi has it in for Fernie when he wakes up tomorrow. Nobody chooses an 80+ red-head over her—no way, no how!

Creepy stalker scene. Now Sofia’s nuts, but I still think that deep-down in what remains of her brain, she is not attracted to a man who climbs into her room in the black of night and stares at her for hours talking to himself. Well, whether she likes it or not, Juan vows to visit her like this for the rest of his life. Sofia wakes up just after Juan leaves and has the premonition that he was there; puhleeze, there's no way she's that smart. Something about the air pressure. More like the scent of someone who hasn’t showered in days and hangs out in a barn/bakery with two other equally-hygienic men.

I’m proud of Sofia for taking the initiative to wear brown WITH an orange hair clip. We might have her in Land’s End before this show ends… Sofia storms into Fernie’s room to wake him up for work. If he doesn’t get his ass in gear, she’s gonna have him sent to prison. Now that’s a wake up call. She wouldn’t…

Poor Pad Tad clutches his chest and ponders; “when will all the evil end?” He is driven to tears as he realizes that Fernie is a danger to the Elizondo girls. Better late than never. Though I must say, you’re a freekin’ moron for knowing that Fernie is a rapist, murderer, and thief and not telling anyone about it. And don’t give me this shit about “secret of confession.”

Gabi ponders on her balcony, stroking her chin, she tells herself that she knows something that will take away all of Sofia’s privileges. You’ve been saying that for every episode, and still, nothing has changed.

Oh My God. I’d never thought I’d see the day when Sarita would dress within the fashion limits of the past decade. Sure, no human looks good in orange, but those are things she will learn with time. Some dudes bring the girls flowers, and Jimena would like to flirt with them, only she really doesn’t know how. Really, the guy’s only there so she can play him against Oscar and pretend to have moved on. It was sort of working till Oscar basically ripped the guy’s arm off and told him that he was married to Jimena with four kids. Would mentioning that they are adopted kids make a difference? Depends where you live really…

Tio Vicente tells Juan that his father and mother were in love with each other, and Gabi was obsessed with Juan’s daddy, much like she is with everyone else who has any remnants of testosterone. Suddenly she and Root have so much in common.

Uh Oh. Juan is dressed up in his Mariachi uniform. It can only mean one thing; he is about to kill Ricky! Juan is convinced, like so many times before, that Ricky killed his parents; it just happens that the names have changed, but still, he’s been wronged! Juan pins him into the corner, goes for the punch, and smashes Ricky’s face with the force of a Mack truck. But then, Ricky pulls out his gun and fires directly at Juan’s body, with no chance whatsoever of missing Juan’s heart or brain. Will Juan survive? Would we have a story without him? Will I get my hopes up? The answer lies in one, if not three of these questions…

Tomorrow: Fernie’s tired of taking orders from Sofia, and really wants to shake things up with Root. But what about Juan? Does anybody care? Does anybody notice…?

Labels: Fuego