Caray, Caray!

Patricio and Candy get on a plane, it looks like they are going to go skydiving. Patricio is Valentino Lanus, Candy is of course Jackie Bracamontes. They jump out of the plane, on the way down Patricio holds up a sign asking her to marry him! How sweet. Then he pulls out a ring and puts it on her while they fall, which is ridiculous. In real life he would have dropped it. They land on a heart shaped landing pad and get busy with the making out. Candy points out their differences while laughing, they don’t support the same soccer team, etc, he keeps nagging her for an answer, she finally says yes. More making out. She says she wants to get married right away this Saturday. Too soon? Ok Sunday! She says she’s in a hurry, they have been dating for three years and she’s desperate to be Mrs. Patricio Molina de (something – sorry I’m watching this part on youtube and I couldn’t make out that last part). Anyway, she wants to get married in a hurry. They agree on six months, and the text at the bottom of the screen says “Six months before the wedding.”

The actress who was the middle sister on Heridas de Amor is Paulina, who is on the phone in her home. There is a diploma and a bunch of photos in frames on a table. Santiago (Jaime Camil, your ‘tan divino’) is her husband (I think they are married) Santiago, he sneaks up on her and she shushes him because she’s on the phone. He’s dressed in hospital scrubs, I guess so we can know right away that he’s a doctor. The house looks nice and expensive, so that makes sense. She scolds him when she gets off the phone for interrupting her. He starts playing around with a pair of baby shoes, then tells her that she’s pregnant!

3 months before the wedding – Patricio and Candy leave a soccer game, dressed in opposing soccer jerseys. They argue about something, but playfully. Patricio kisses her to shut her up.

Santiago picks out baby clothes for a boy, she says what if it’s a girl? Surprise, he has a skirt too! He is very very excited to be a daddy. Kiss kiss.

Less than a month before the wedding – Patricio and Candy are still lovey dovey. She asks him for a favor. She wants for her and her parents to stay in a hotel during the wedding, etc, not in Patricio’s parents’ house. He says sure, but on one condition – the wedding night, she and Patricio go to a DIFFERENT hotel, so her family doesn’t listen at the door while they make crazy noise knocking boots all night. I think that’s a good plan.

Santiago reproaches Paulina for working so hard while being so pregnant. He wants her to rest. She says she was thinking about it and she doesn’t want to go to Acapulco with him. He wants to go have fun, not go by himself. She’s busy with some work, he’s tired of it. Wow, and he’s a doctor! She says she’s tired. He says yeah from working so hard. She promises him to take good care of the baby, to placate him.

Patricio and Candy talk about having kids. Kissy kissy.

Acapulco, 2 days before the wedding. Patricio and Candy make out on the beach, shop for wedding cake decorations, etc. She wants to return to Acapulco every year on their anniversary, Patricio says that sounds like a good idea, let’s make it official!

One day before the wedding – bachelor party. Patricio is enjoying strippers dancing to Oops I did it again by Britney Spears. He’s getting mighty drunk. These strippers are more like dancers, there isn’t any stripping going on. They are somewhat scantily clad though, which is ok.

Bachelorette party in the hotel pool – Candy opens presents. A friend reminds her of the deal they all made to tell each other the details of the wedding night. Lots of group ‘whoooaaa!’ sounds, I guess that’s the Mexican version of the American ‘Wooo!!’ girl chant.

Patricio continues to get drunk, one guy ducks out to meet some hoochie in the lobby. He stops talking to her when he sees Alicia (Thelma from Duelo), who is Candy’s sister. Ah – the guy who ducked out of the party here was Saimon from La Fea. So he’s trying to pick up Alicia, she says no to the one night stand. After the wedding she’s headed back to Tijuana. It sounds like these two had some kind of history in the past and she just gives him a nice goodbye rather than relive it with him.

The girls have moved on to proper American “woooo!!!” noises as the gifts get more and more sexy. Garter belt this time.

Alicia gets herself all gussied up in her hotel room. Nice. She takes the elevator down.

Patricio’s buddies give him a keycard to a room, telling him that it’s all his for a good time! Jeez who thinks giving their buddy a hooker the night before his wedding is a good idea. I guess Saimon (whatever his name is here) was trying to get that other girl up to that room, but it looks like Alicia copied the girl’s style and will be there instead. I think. Sorry this is so disjointed, first episodes are so hard sometimes.

Some girl at the girl party teases Candy about Patricio being with some hoochie, she says no way, he loves me! So of course right now Patricio is being led up to the hooker’s room.

Yes, there he is. Blindfolded, being fed many more drinks by his buddies. He’s trashed. He wants his buddies to hang out with him, they say no way, you’re on your own here, and they throw him into a hotel room. He starts talking to whoever might be there. Turns out to be Alicia, in a cat mask and black gloves. She is ready to give him a good time. She looks good, but he’s blindfolded so he doesn’t see this. I guess if he had the blindfold off he’d recognize her. He starts making excuses about getting married, etc, but she throws him on the bed. He finally pulls off the blindfold, so he can check out how sexy she looks. She still has the mask on, so I guess he doesn’t recognize her. She starts kissing him, he goes for it. Tool. She gives him some more booze, champagne this time, it spills and she licks it off his body.

The girls party some more, Candy thanks all her friends for such a great time and talks up how great Patricio is. I really wish I was watching this on TV instead of youtube with all these bathing suit beauties walking around. Damn. Candy misses someone named Veronica, but at least her beloved sister Alicia is here with her. Candy is so excited to see her, she has been gone for three years. A friend asks why she left, Candy doesn’t know why, Alicia never said.

Patricio wakes up with Alicia’s bunny ears on his head. He hears Alicia make a noise and panics. She asks if all his fantasies were realized or are there more? He says no, I’m good! She takes off her mask and says ok, just promise her that he’ll be happy with Candy. He looks at her and finally recognizes her, “Alicia!” She says what, you’re a man, I’m a woman, we were enjoying your last night as a single man! Patricio seems to realize his big mistake and puts his face in his hands. Um, too late dude. He makes her promise to never tell Candy what they just did. His phone rings, it’s Candy. He tries to talk normally, but of course hottie Alicia is right there wearing his shirt, being all sexy. He sweet talks Candy but it pains him to lie to her by acting normal. Alicia leaves to go get dressed.

Wedding day – Candy greets an older couple, her parents. The guy is named Clemente, I didn’t catch the mom’s name. They make small talk, then mom tells her to remember what she told her about the wedding night, something about Clemente. Clemente says please woman, Patricio doesn’t want to spend his wedding night thinking about his father-in-law. Mom calls for some Pina Coladas, Clemente says what about breakfast? I guess mom wants to get drinking early. She yells back “without alcohol!” Mom is excited about the huge wedding, Candy says she just likes Patricio because he’s a millionaire. Clemente says yeah. Mom says if she was after money, she wouldn’t have married him! Candy swears to never give up her loyalty to Chivas futbol club, not even for Patricio.

Saimon shows up to greet Patricio, Patricio’s father is there too. Patricio thanks him for coming. I guess dad doesn’t like him marrying Candy. The waves of the ocean drown out the conversation, but basically dad is an asshole and really lays the heavy “don’t do it” on Patricio. I think it’s the fact that Candy is not from a rich family or something. Patricio thanks him for coming anyway.

The wedding begins, in a beautiful outdoor location. Patricio walks in with his mom, walking to the front of the crowd. On the way by, he nods at Santiago – I guess they know each other. I don’t see Paulina, but now we know why Santiago had to go to Acapulco, he was invited to the wedding. I wonder what the connection is. As Candy walks down the aisle, she shares a looong look with Santiago – who looks like he got hit with the thunderbolt, like in the Godfather when Michael Corleone first sees his Sicilian future bride.

Candy’s gay uncle is there too, he waves at Candy’s mom (I think that’s who it was), who seems to be ashamed of him and turns away quickly.

Candy reaches Patricio, there is a lot smiling, etc. They finish the walk to the altar together, walking by Alicia who is wearing an awesomely low cut red dress. Yowza. The music changes from the wedding march to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Is that wedding music? The ceremony goes on, Alicia bends over a railing to give us major cleavage, other faces in the crowd much less interesting than that. The couple say their vows.

At the reception, the bride is very happy, sharing her joy with her sister Alicia. She thanks Alicia for coming, she was worried she wouldn’t. She is going to re-introduce her to Patricio, wait right here! As soon as Candy walks away Alicia runs away. When Candy tells Patricio that Alicia is here, he tries to play it cool and is relieved when she isn’t there.

Gay uncle catches Candy’s eye, she says “Tio Meño!” Ah so that’s his name. Gregoria appears to be Candy’s mother’s name, she comes over to ask Meño what he’s doing here. She tries to run him off, nobody likes him! He says Candy invited him. He plays up his gayness, she is scandalized. I guess he has been shunned by the family. He says whatever, though, he doesn’t care. She insists that he leave, he finally says gives in, leaving an envelope for Candy with Clemente, who came to assist Gregoria in running him away.

Santiago’s buddies hang around with him, all wearing pure douchebag style sunglasses, huge bugeyed things.

Candy talks to Alicia, I guess in the past Alicia wanted to be a dancer and somehow Candy interfered with that, but Alicia says whatever, now she lives in Tijuana and everything is cool. Another mention of Veronica, sad music, Candy wishes she was here. Who is Veronica? Some conversation about one day Alicia thought she’d be with Patricio, but now here he is married to Candy.

Patricio’s mother comes to talk to him – First, to dog Candy a bit, then something else I didn’t understand. Candy shows up, Patricio’s mom can’t get away fast enough. Patricio tries to hint at getting away for some sex right away, she laughs but shuts him down for the moment. Again, some background noise drowns out half the conversation. Some of Candy’s friends arrive and steal Candy away ‘just for a minute!’ Patrico runs over to see his father, who is still frowning at him. He insults Candy’s family. Candy’s father comes up to chat with Patricio’s dad, calling him amigo, Patricio’s father rudely says he will never call Clemente amigo, only employee. Does Clemente work for him?

Candy’s mother chews out Candy for inviting Meño, Candy tells her to stuff it, but nicely. Gregoria goes on and on and on. Finally Candy tells her to just drop it already. Gregoria says he left this envelope, it has money in it. Candy can’t believe she opened it! I can believe it, metiche. She makes to give her the envelope, then says “no I’ll hold on it for you.” I have a feeling that this will be significant later. Candy heads off to change clothes.

Some other guy is trying to pick up on Alicia, with no luck. For some reason Patricio goes after Alicia. He catches up to her in the bathroom. He wants her to swear again that she won’t say anything. She says she isn’t going to say anything. He wants to know why she did it. I didn’t quite understand her whole speech, but basically she wanted some action so she took it. She tells him how handsome and sexy he is in his tux.

Santiago is charming some ladies at the reception, an excuse to pass out his business cards. He’s talking with Patricio’s mother (I think), who introduces him to Candy. Patricio’s mother says Santiago is responsible for her youthful good looks! Santiago says pleased to meet you Candy, and holds out his hand. Candy refuses, saying “you’re a plastic surgeon? Sorry, but I hate everything about plastic surgery” and stomps off. Santiago looks mighty confused. Patricio’s mother explains that one of Candy’s sisters (ah HAH that’s who Veronica is/was) died from a liposuction mishap. Ah that explains it. She changes the subject to whether or not she should get a boob job, Santiago says absolutely, lift and augment!

I guess Alicia wants some more, she grabs Patricio and kisses him, just in time for Candy to walk in. Of course the first thing he says is “I can explain” – yeah, the explanation is that you’re a dog. Candy slaps Patricio and runs off. Candy runs into her father, who stupidly defends Patricio, “he’s your husband now!” Patricio tries to talk to her too, she wants none of it. Now that they are in front of a crowd, Candy calms down for show, while Patricio tries to talk her out of dumping his ass right here and now. He begs and begs. She doesn’t agree. She completely melts down and freaks out, screaming at him in front of everyone. Patricio blubbers at her, going on about the guests, her dress, the location, the cake…..finally she says she doesn’t want any of it, she takes off her ring and throws it on the ground, then her shoes, then her veil, then her dress. Niiiice. In her bra and panties, which is way too short of a scene by the way (and damn that horrible youtube video quality), she throws over the wedding cake, then runs off down the beach.

So that’s the first episode – the stage is set, I expect tomorrow night’s show to be a Candy ugly crying tour de force – remember that Jackie Bracamontes is responsible for the ugly crying scale being created in the first place. Alina in Duelo kept it going, but it was Miranda “No Estoy SoooLLLAAA” from Heridas that got it going first. I hope you all enjoyed it, Jaime Camil didn’t get much screen time but he is so obviously head and shoulders above everyone else in sheer acting talent it isn’t even funny. He just morphs into his roles. I’m a fan.

Labels: Tontas