Caray, Caray!

I just got home from a dinner with the Governor, and I’m tired and I don’t care about this—sorry, this is all you get. By the bye, none of this makes sense to me, and I’m trying to do my art history flash cards at the same time, so…good night and good luck.

OMFG What the hell happened to this show? It seems like everyone else who was sub-standardly normal on this show took a bunch of recreational drugs and the rest is just a big headache and a really bad morning. What the hell is going on with ultra Minnie Mouse and Quinti the trick-turner overseer? They just discovered you could use voice synthesizers for something other than Franco’s “Ave Maria” serenades.

Fernie has visited the sacred cave of Libia’s flower. Apparently he talks to rocks, too. He goes to check out the dimensions for the perfect Reyes Tomb. Brothers and sisters should always be together, so I’ll burry you all together. Eat rock, flower.

Gabi is all like, no one ever loved me, and so no one else can be loved. That’s why the girls must stay home and not go out for sodas. Silly girls, did you actually think you were married adults?

Back at the cave of Libia’s flower, Fernie is struggling to water his pet rocks. He pours lighter fluid on the flowers and lights a match. Libia’s tomb is burning, but does she care?

Gabi lies awake missing her ex-husband and sometimes lover. When she was young and in her prime, she used to do it all the time, but now that she is old and gray, she does it every other day.

Ah! Explosion at the cave. Reflection time: do we enter burning caves in search of someone or something that has been dead for years? Do we explore the deepest part of said cave while the flames are burning behind us? Your local fire chief wouldn’t recommend it…

Well, how would you like to dream about your passionate lover and wake up to his sweating countenance and slimy hand on your mouth? Such is Gabi’s life. It pretty much sucks when you get used even in your dreams. As it turns out, Fernie never died, and only pretended to die to kill the Reyes, like all those other times. Funny that he can hold a gun to so many guys’ heads, but feels the urge to lure the Reyes gang into a cave. Does anyone else see the hilarity in this regression to nature? You see, the Reyes are bona fide barbarian Neanderthals—straight off the boat—so now their environment fits their personas. It’s the missing link in the Nature vs. Nurture controversy. Now, I can only hope that they eat Libia, then each other. It would be the perfect ending to one drugged-out ride.

All dressed up and no place to go. Just like the beginning of our tragic epic. It’s the circle of life, people. Mommy dearest has locked the girlies in their rooms and now all that’s left is a bunch of Judy Blume books and glitter nail polish. Jimena calls the purple sleeping bag!

So, Fernie’s into the whole “nurse” routine. Well, Gabi licks his wounds and he lies on the bed. I doubt he will perform to her dream-inspired standards, though he does have the sweat thing going on. Now Gabi says that she can’t live if Sofia or anyone else is happy. Ok, Mrs. Grumpy pants, we’ll all be self-loathing, bi-polar, marginalized housewives to facilitate your end-of-day happiness.

On another note, does anyone think that Juan/E.Y. bleaches his death, because the guy smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish, and his teeth are whiter than pearls. Anyway, Juan finds a small rock that opens to the real world and he sees a dog—or maybe that’s a man—what’s the diff.; “all men are dogs!” Then he sees Oscar playing dead, but we’ve all seen enough of this show and others to know that that would never happen. Case in point as he coughs and opens his eyes. It’s all gonna be a-okay and we’re right on schedule for the sextuplet wedding. Yes, Sofia will have sextuplets at that juncture; Jimena and Sarita will follow suit later because David’s Bridal was running low on maternity gowns at the Puebla Outpost.

Everyone on this show who is supposed to be dead is really only sleeping, and then they go to the dispensary to be treated by the healing powers of Paddy.

I’ve always found that the minor actors are always much more passionate and slightly convincing in a cruise ship/high school play sort of way. Like the humble but young couple who have illusions of becoming the next Juan-Sofia couple. The one girl is all like, “where were you, who were you doing?” And he’s just trying to tell everyone about Juan entering a burning cave to find his dead sister’s living flower. By the way, did he ever find, or leave with, what he wanted? No. So it was just a case of wasted effort and tantalizing death for the hopeful viewer.

Now Juan is all confused, and of course, he goes to the person who always makes things better—PaddyTaddy. “Evil is all around us, have hope, God loves you.” “Thank you, Padre.” You know, these people don’t need to be saved from evil; they need to be saved from themselves. All the praying and pleading to faded statues has clearly not helped, maybe it’s time to turn to things like basic emergency prevention and proper response.

Here’s a good question: “who could have tried to kill you?” Well, lets see, there are only eight people left alive on this show, and there are six of you on team stupid # 1. I know adding is beyond your comprehension, but by virtue of who is standing next to you, it would have to be someone from team frigid bitch. Of course, as PadTad explains, Gabi is bad because she rejects God. So, she’s bad by choice. Clearly, he doesn’t understand that people on this show have no power whatsoever over themselves, and are merely victims of their biological gene pool/toxic living conditions. Well, it wasn’t the first time Gabi told him to leave her house and never come back…and it won’t be the last…though, I’ve been wrong before…

And we end tonight with Sofia, Eva, and Fernie all in Root’s apartment. They find a bloody dart stabbed into the coffee table and Fernie has his gun in hand. Death is insinuated, but impossible for our plot.

Absolutely nothing happened in this episode, like every other one, and you should probably just not even read this recap.

Labels: Fuego