Caray, Caray!

Caption Alert! I don't know when this started, but I first discovered on Monday night that English captions are now available on CC3!

Not all TVs support CC3, and even those that do aren't always user-friendly about it, but do give it a try. Sometimes the translations are really good and sometimes they just seem like machine translations, but they should be a huge help for a lot of people who are trying to follow along.

A week ago, Pancho broke up with Rebeca, quit the Avon presidency, and then Rebeca quit too, and Fernanda was getting sick. Now, all of these things have been undone and we are back to normal, with the addition of a few new people.

For the life of me, I don't know why Nico's replacement had to be named Chato. That's just going to further complicate the existing confusion over "Ch-" names. To review: The maid is Chucha (nickname for Jesusa). Pancho's friend who looks like Kojak is Chacho, which is also a nickname for something but I forget what. The new guy is Chato. Vince is sometimes called Chente, which is a common nickname for Vicente. And then we also have Chela, although she's less likely to get mixed up in the name confusion.

Okay, so, back to the story.

Part One: Inappropriate Kisses

Pancho goes to Ana's room and tells her to stop being so disrespectful to Rebeca and to especially stop referring to the woman he loves as "la tísica." She's going to respect Rebeca and above all, she's going to respect Pancho! Ana says Rebeca has divided the family and turned Pancho against her. Pancho says nobody is turning him against Ana or anyone else in the family. He's just asking her to be nice. He loves her more than his own life, but he loves Rebeca too.

So Ana stomps out of her own room to grump to Temo about how la Tísica has turned Daddy against her. Hey, way to turn Temo against Rebeca and Daddy! The girl is irony-proof.

After accepting Pina's slap and accusations with calm mortification, Vince admits that he's friends with Candy but not lovers, sheesh, how can she think he'd have a lover like Candy Lopez? She asks him about the underwear (I'm not sure what she's referring to) and he says it was a scheme on Pancho's part, he's the troublemaker. Pina rather doubts that Pancho would be in favor of his sister having an affair with Vince. Vince says Candy is the height of vulgarity and he could never sink so low, how could Pina pay heed to some dopey secretary?

Pina's evidence is Vince's telescope and the smell of Candy's cheap perfume. Vince admits that he spies on the neighbors, but Sandra is a liar and she's on Pancho's side. He says he's sick of this war with Pancho that is screwing up his happy wonderful solid marriage with Pina. How can she doubt him after their hot interlude last night?

Chela matriculates at night school or whatever.

It's night, but everyone's still at the office. Rebeca feels badly that Pancho has to confront his kids about her. Pancho says he should have done it a long time ago. Arnoldo shows up with some print ad mock-ups. Vince is supposed to review them, but he's gone home, and anyway Pancho is Ana's father so wouldn't he like to see them first? (I note that only her face is in the ads, so there was no need to put her in a short-short dress for the photo shoot.)

Vince waits outside for his secret date with Candy. Popeye gets to him first, wanting Vince to make good on his agreement for a meeting with Abeja and the kids, but Vince blows him off. Candy shows up and he starts tell her about the disaster with Pina and Sandra, but he's interrupted by a call from Enzo, who is drunk and miserable. Vince blows him off too.

Ana waits by the roadside for Fraud to pick her up for their secret date. He's still at home, though, and Pina is looking at the ratings for her timeslot. Candy's show is in first place! Argh!!

At the restaurant, Vince is asking Candy's forgiveness. Again. But he panics when he sees Pina's friend Cathi come in with her husband Erasmo.

"Come on, Freddie, you can do it," Fraud encourages himself as he pulls over to pick up Ana for their date. She is wearing a T-shirt over a long-sleeve shirt, along with her finest overalls. Fraud looks nervous and ready to either throw up or run away. "You look very... very... special, Ana," he manages to squeak. Ana is very excited. They get in the car, but they don't go anywhere. Some date. He insists that he likes her, that she's very pretty, he likes her singing. He kisses her. Instead of being thrilled, she looks confused. And surprised.

Fraud pulls away and makes a face. It turns out she isn't as experienced as he expected. (This seems to be a recurring problem for him.) Ana confesses she's never kissed anyone before. But she promises to learn. She gets out of the car. He asks her not to be that way. She says they'll get together some other time, and bolts. Fraud grins like a doofus and lolls his tongue around thoughtfully. (Thank you, Julia, for laying all that groundwork regarding Fraud's tongue. I think we know what surprised Ana during the kiss.)

Vince asks Candy to hide under the table. (You can see where Fraud gets his suave dating skills.) He doesn't want Cathi to see them together and make things worse with Pina. He tells Cathi that he's here for a business meeting and he's waiting for a client. She thinks they should keep him company until the client arrives, but actually he thinks they should all get out of there entirely. Last time he was here, there was a giant roach swimming in his soup. So the three of them leave the restaurant, leaving a VERY angry Candy to crawl out from under the table and find her own way home.

Enzo, who is still drinking, asks Mónica if he isn't enough for her. She wants to know why she's never met her grandparents. Fortunately, he's feeling chatty. He never met his father. His mother was a single woman. She made her living doing other people's laundry. She'd dead now, "and why are we talking about your grandparents?" Moni says she just wanted him to think would it would be like not to have known his mother. "My mother was a good woman!" he roars, throwing his very heavy yet surprisingly breakable glass. (It appears that Happy Nostalgia Hour has ended.) "And what about mine? Is she a bad woman? Why did you fall in love with her?" Enzo says she changed a lot, and please just drop it.

Candy is walking home when Vince pulls over and begs her forgiveness... again. Again. Again. She smacks him with her purse and says he has to stop doing things that need to be forgiven. He has an idea. "Divorce Pina and marry me?" No, he wants them to go out as Cyrano and Mata Hari again. Yes, that will solve all their problems.

Chela walks in on Ana saying "I have to learn...", so Ana says she wants to learn how to ice skate. Um... nice save? Anyway, she tells Chela it's been an exhausting day. First the photo shoot with Arnold, and then a fight with Dad. It's all Rebeca's fault, she claims. Chela seems only too happy to take this at face value.

Ana isn't at breakfast next day. Arnold called her in to Avon early. (I'm starting to think he lives there.) Pancho tells the family she's been in a snit ever since he told her yesterday that she - all of them, in fact - need to be more respectful to Rebeca. "Why are you looking at me?" Temo asks. (Some kids wear smart-alecky well. Temo does not.) Chela disingenuously tells Pancho he can't make the kids like Rebe. "I'm not asking them to like her, just to respect her." Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Chela!

Candy wants to drive herself to the gym, over Gonzalo's protests that she doesn't know how to drive. She nearly gets rear-ended by Pina and decides this is a great time for them to have their talk. Pina rolls up her window, but this barely makes a difference, only muffles their voices slightly. Pina calls Candy a traitorous home-wrecker and lots more things, but Candy says Sandra only said those things because she's jealous.

This prompts Pina to roll the window back down so we can see her shocked face. Candy says Vince and Sandra had a thing a while back, and if she's making trouble now it must be because she's having some sort of problem with Vince now. Candy, for her part, has never slept with Vince, and why would she lie about that? Pina accuses Candy of using Pina's show to get her own show, but Candy says fine, don't believe me, whatever. Pina drives off.

Chela overhears (or at least sees) the end of this and Candy isn't happy with herself at all.

Ana is daydreaming about Fraud's disappointment in her lack of kissing experience. Arnold notices her distraction. He encourages her to talk about her feelings. She asks if he's ever been in love. He says yes, in fact he's in love with someone now, but she, er, HE is in love with someone else. Well, she's in love too, and he asked her out, but it went badly because she didn't know how to kiss. She had a boyfriend before, Manuel, but they didn't kiss on the mouth.

And here's where it gets weird: Arnold offers to teach her how to kiss. Okay, I know that being out of the (imaginary, in his case) closet must really cramp his style when it comes to getting some action with the ladies, but this is ridiculous. He tells her it's perfect because he doesn't even like women. (Not sure if I can follow that logic.)

Meanwhile, Rebeca is telling Pancho Arnold's secret. He's not gay, and he's in love with her.

Arnold continues to urge Ana to let him "teach" her how to kiss. First she has to close her eyes. Picture the boy she likes. Imagine they're dancing. Imagine his face gently approaching hers... and they are kissing. It's good for a couple of seconds, but then she bites his lip. Now he says her love should flow like electricity from her lips. "Gently, delicately, no biting." They try it again, and she pictures herself and Fraud kissing while bathed in pink light. Meanwhile, Arnold pictures himself and Rebeca kissing in lavender light.

Ana happily thanks him and runs away. Arnold nearly swoons into a chair and asks himself what he was thinking.

Now Pancho is worried that nongay Arnoldo will seduce Rebeca away from him. She says Pancho is much more handsome. He is skeptical and quotes Lamberto's dicho that they're too close to see each other's defects.

Candy admits to Chela that she should have told Pina the truth, but she and Vincente aren't lovers. Chela says sure, but you're that close. Chato and Chacho show up wanting breakfast. Chucha and Goya vie for Chato's attention. Candy tries to get Chela to go to the gym with her.

Arnold goes to Pancho's office with the proofs for Ana's ad campaign. Didn't Pancho just see these the night before? Well, now he's seeing them again. Pancho keeps looking at Arnold suspiciously, and he doesn't even know the half of it!

Chucha and Goya go to the market with Chacho and Chato. Adoración is there too, asking Jessinia for some herbs to deal with Pina's afflictions. Jess watches in amusement as Chato and Ado meet for the first time and fall in love at first sight.

Part Two: Wooing and "Woooo"ing

Candy and Chela go to the gym. Chela complains that the outfit she borrowed from Candy is too tight. Candy reminds Chela that she wanted to change. Enzo, who's been rippling his best muscles in their general direction, says hello to Chela. She is offended by his attention and the fact that he's looking at her. She's even more offended when he says that he was taken by surprise at how attractive she is. Yeah, the nerve of some people.

Chato helps Adoración home with the groceries. They would seem to be on the fast-track to matrimony or something. Ado lets on that Pina is a bit nervous. Pina comes down and does not like the looks of Chato, and likes him even less when Ado says he's one of Pancho's minions. Pina kicks him out and tells him never to come back. (I predict he will save her life within the next week!)

Meli plays outside with her friend Ramona. (This must be Daniela Castro's other daughter. Recapper Jim predicted we'd see her soon.) Temo comes along with a letter he's written for Meli, but Pina tries to bust up their little lawn party. Meli gets lippy with her and Pina threatens to send her back to her mother. More lip from the kid, who doesn't think it's fair that Pina won't even let her go outside. Pancho joins the fray, and Pina is snotty with him about Temo trying to make friends with girls of a different "level." Pancho takes her aside for a chat.

At the gym, Chela is doin' it wrong. Candy shows her how to use the overhead press machine and comments on Enzo's super-fine bod. Chela really doesn't want to discuss that, but can't stop stealing glances at him. You know, because she hates him so much, she wants to get a good look at all his big stupid muscles. But she keeps catching him looking at her, and then she looks away in embarrassment, and he does NOT look away because he's so horrible and shameless and muscle-icious.

Pancho tells Pina that kids and dogs don't know about social "classes," so why get them all worked up over that, why not let them have their fun. Pina whines about all the problems that his family has caused her family. Her radio show, her precious dog, and her poor "My Husband." He says he had to take the presidency for Fernanda, because she's like a mother to him. He doesn't mean them any harm, but they've had a lot of trouble, leave the kids out of it, because he and his family are good hardworking people. And she's a good person too and should have more self-worth. Pina looks like she's taking this last part to heart.

Candy is telling Chela again that she's never done anything with Vince. Chela asks what's the worse betrayal - sex or love? Candy plays dumb and says she feels sorry for Sandra who will be getting in a lot of trouble for this. Now Enzo comes down a hallway with no shirt on. He looks like an anatomy chart. A mean, evil, horrible, hatable, luscious anatomy chart. "Goodbye, Graciela, Candy." Chela is staring at him speechlessly with wide eyes.

Chato is still charming the heck out of Ado and asks her to give him a call next time she has a day off. He leaves, googly-eyed. Ado is googly-eyed too. "He's so ugly... and so gorgeous!"

Vince rehashes with Enzo about Pina. Suddenly Vince notices that Enzo looks different. Hey, it's only been like 15 episodes or something. Celeste comes in, saying that the car company has some questions for Enzo. Enzo asks her to call Pepe.

I guess things are going well with the Avon racecar. Enzo calls just as Fraud shows up with some other dork. The car company execs want a demo tomorrow, so the car has to be ready. The new dork is Fraud's mechanic Walter. Fraud whines that he's putting his life on the line with Pepe's car. Didn't they already have this conversation? Yes, I quote Julia from Thursday night: "I don't know how this delicate petunia manages to drive a racecar without having the vapors. Or biting his tongue off." Well, there's always tomorrow.

Fraud is sooo sure that Pepe hates him. Pepe says he doesn't think enough of him to hate him. Hee! Fraud thought-bubbles that Pepe will have plenty of reason to hate him.

Lupita helps Chela with her homework and remarks that Chela looks good these days. Ana says she'll have no trouble getting Dad, then. Chela says that's not why she's doing this. She's doing it so she'll feel better about herself. Then Fraud calls Ana for another "date" tonight. Maybe this time they will actually go someplace?

Fraud asks Walter if the plan is still on. Walter says yes. Fraud says it has to be tonight. If it all works out, Walter will get the rest of the money.

Candy helps Ana get ready for her date. Ana isn't completely sure about dressing up for Fraud, but Candy is enthusiastic.

Fraud is beside himself with excitement. Actually he's beside Walter, breaking into the lot where the racecar is locked up. This is how Fraud gets ready for a hot date.

Pina is sulking up in her room and doesn't say much when Vince says he has to get ready for another dinner appointment. He notices that she's acting a little strange, but doesn't get interested until he sees that his closet is empty because she has packed up all his clothes. She tells him to go to Sandra, who will no doubt be happy to see him. No, she hasn't lost her mind. She's thinking of herself for a change.

Fraud and Walter leave the car lot feeling pleased with themselves. This will be the end of the mechani-naco!

---

Pancho tries to bond with Temo over Temo's love for Meli, since that's how Pancho feels for Rebe. Temo says it's different because he and Meli don't have kids; besides, Auntie Chela loves him. Pancho asks how Temo would feel if Meli's little friend Ramona liked him too. Ah, well there, point made, that's just how he feels. So from now on be respectful to Rebeca, m'kay?

Ana feels like a clown wth all the makeup Candy is putting on her. Candy promises that Fraud will go to pieces when he sees her. (Or wedges, perhaps.)

Pina tells Vince she heard about Sandra from Candy. Vince says Sandra is a very vulgar woman and so is Candy, but Candy is a much better woman than Sandra. Pina recognizes this as an admission of guilt, that he did have an affair with Sandra. He claims it was just one time, too many tequilas after a rough day. And somehow, this was Pina's fault. (Pina takes offense.) He begs her forgiveness. She leans in close and says "NO! No I don't forgive you. For now, get rid of that filthy woman and then we'll see."

Chucha and Goya argue over Chato. Goya recognizes that it's the same situation they had with Nico, except Chato smells better. But they're not happy with him for ditching them at the market. Pancho comes in and quickly figures out who they're talking about. He asks them to make a nice dinner for the family and Rebeca and Chacho and Chato, and not to let Chela do anything. Chucha and Goya quake at the thought of seeing Chato again. "Don't forget I saw him first!" Goya complains.

Ado is doing something in the kitchen when she hears a noise at the window. Then a louder one, and the window breaks. It's Chato, trying to get her attention outside. He's waiting with a bouquet of herbs or flowers or weeds. She comes out to see him, commenting that he's awfully fast. He steals a few chaste kisses, but I can tell neither of these two have been to Arnoldo's School of Osculation. Meanwhile, Goya comes outside looking for Popeye and sees them and is jealous.

Pancho sees Ana all made up and says she looks great. He'd like her to join them and Rebe for dinner. She denies that she's still mad at him, but says she has an important date. Candy too. Pancho's not nosy enough to ask who either of them has plans with. Wow.

Arnold overhears Rebeca talking mushy to Pancho on the phone. He should offer her kissing lessons, but instead he asks if she told Pancho the truth about him. She said yes, sorry, but she couldn't lie for him. Lies and omissions have caused too much trouble for them. She's sure he won't tell anyone, though. Arnold won't explain why he's been living this lie for so long but says that if anyone finds out, it will be the end of his career. (A guess: he used "I'm gay" as an excuse to turn down some powerful but horny woman who was interested in him, and if she ever finds out he was lying, she'll ruin him.)

Ana and Candy wish each other luck on their hot dates.

Chela takes a break from her studying to daydream (evening-dream?) about the Evil Beef-a-Roni and tries to stop thinking about him. Pancho catches her in mid-try and admires her for being stronger and more brave now than ever. He gives her a big hug.

Fraud seems very enthusiastic to see Ana looking much more girly than usual. She's afraid she looks silly. Yes, they're going to go somewhere this time - someplace quiet. (In other words, nowhere that anyone will see them or he has to spend any money. Cheapskate.)

Chela tries to hide her disappointment when Pancho reveals that Rebe will be coming over for dinner, but at least Chela doesn't have to cook the meal. Anyway, instead of getting all grumpy, she says it's no problem and she'll support him. She tells Pancho she needs to get ready. He leaves and she calmly unleashes a lengthy string of unflattering epithets for Rebeca, of which "Tísica" is only the first. "Coming over for dinner! That's just swell."

Fraud has taken Ana to Makeout Mountain, or is that the Kissin' Cliff or Naked Knoll or Studly Summit or Hussy Heights or... I guess it doesn't matter what it's called, as long as it's not Pregnancy Promontory. There is a nice view of the city and the distant mountains, all shrouded in pollution mist. "You like me, right?" he asks her. He asks why. She goes on and on like a fool about how he has this air of superiority that she really likes. He says most people don't like that about him. Then he asks, "do you want to be my novia?"

The remaining members of Pancho's family entertain Rebeca with tales of each others' romantic lives. When Rebeca asks Temo if he really has a novia, at first he looks like he's going to say something bratty, but Pancho gives him a look and Temo politely answers that she's not exactly his novia, but he does like her. Pancho asks about Chato; Chacho doesn't know where he is. Even this draws loud, annoying, titillated "wooo!"s from everyone. Ugh, why don't we just add a laugh track and call it a night? Chela shows up on cue and nicely says hello to Rebeca. Pancho doesn't notice how great she looks, but Chacho does as usual and she ignores him as usual.

It turns out that Fraud only wants Ana to be his SECRET novia. Because her father wouldn't like it if he found out. Ana blurts that he's right, Pancho sure didn't approve of Candy and Fraud's father. Oops.

Cyrano and Mata Hari are at this moment checking in at another fine restaurant. They've both brought hats so they can hide their faces. They are congratulating themselves for coming up with this great idea when Vince notices that Mara (Pina's friend, the woman from the magazine that said Chela was Pancho's wife) is sitting nearby with some guy named Clark. Vince tries to hide behind his hat, but neither he nor Candy seem able to tear their eyes away from Mara. Mara notices this weird couple and asks Clark if he knows them. He doesn't, but he takes a picture. They're both looking right at the camera!

Fortunately, Ana's slip of the tongue (so to speak) does not get her into trouble, because Fraud has no curiosity whatsoever when it comes to other people. Ana says she has a surprise and tells him to close his eyes. This kiss seems to be working out better than the last one. There's no pink light around them, though.

There's a knock at Fernanda's hotel room. It's Snorty, er, Inés. "It's high time we settle our scores, Fernanda!"

Chato arrives late for dinner. Goya thought-bubbles that he's going to pay. She goes over to him with a pitcher of cold tamarind juice and pours it into his lap, "oops, so sorry." Then she nearly beats him up pretending to dry him off and mutters through clenched teeth that he won't get away with keeping three women on the hook.

Then Chucha rushes in with an elaborate floral arrangement for Chela. "There's no doubt that your beauty is the greatest - Enzo Rinaldi," she reads the card to herself. "Who's it from, Chelita?" asks poor Chacho, who's going to just DIE when he finds who his newest competition is...

Next time:
On Vince's orders, Pancho and Rebeca are menaced by a man with a beret and a tiny gun. Does that thing fire bullets, or just Pez? Also: Sandy & Candy present Slapfest 2012!

Labels: familia