Tuesday, June 19, 2012
EL TALISMAN Post Mortem – The Last Gasp - 6-19-12
Post Mortem by Anita, Intrepid Editor in Chief, Freesnow Underground Gazette
Memorable Quotes
“I'm
trying to imagine Pigorio's hell à la Dante Alighieri. Doomed to get
his bacon scorched and then kicked hard for all eternity by pregnant,
pithed off amazons wearing pointy-toed shoes? Rotisseried while having
to watch a big screen of all is ex-servants enjoying the good life
thanks to El Tal's generous new owner.” The Cap’n.
“I
wish, since Mariana had to die, that her ghost could have stuck around
to haunt and taunt the immobile Pig. Or if she was unavailable, repeat
visits from Elvira.” Carlos.
“No
wait, the new favorite line is: ‘We know from past shows this means he
[El Piggorio] has morning sickness and is pregnant.’” The Cap’n quoting the original quote from Rosemary La Otra’s recap when Don G fainted.
“Everyone grab those feathers and hot wax and I will see you at the boda!” Rosemary La Otra.
“So much hope, so little delivery. Still, it's been fun mostly because we made it that way. El Tal was a hoot to mock.” The Cap’n.
“We
were coming off a CME high and just assumed its replacement would be a
decent substitute. No one told us the editors and continuity guys came
over from Maybe I'll Come Home in the Spring. lol Does anyone remember
that hallucinogenic movie?” Rosemary La Otra.
“Nobody told us it was a comedy, either. We just weren't prepared.” Forgettable quote from Anita.
“Well,
the producers and writers deserve no awards, but our actors sure do.
Aaron Diaz, for being the first to figure out it was a comedy and
running with that, and also for best death scene. Blanca Soto, for
perseverance in the face of all adversity. Rafa Novoa, for having the
wisdom to be completely stoned throughout the run. Julieta Rosen, for
never forgetting her line "el cheque es mio" despite the headbands
cutting off the blood to her brain. Lola Ponce, for maintaining her
cheer and lust even while wearing strangling tight pants for months.” Julia.
“A
blooper reel would wash some of the angst away -- and I imagine we'll
be commenting well into next week and perhaps beyond. It's hard to let
go of the oobleck.” Blue Lass.
How We Might Have Made This TN Better
“I
would always have Pedro with a brain, I would have told two actors
portraying siblings not to ‘fool’ around until after the TN finished -
their relationship was always apparent on screen. I would have given the
cops some kind of thinking process if only for one episode. It was just
too much of the "good" guys being soooo stupid, it was just too over
the top. These writers should know sometimes the good guys do win one
and it does not have to be in the last episode.” Nellie
“The
first thing I would have done to make this TN better, I would have
replaced the directors. The actors are all so wooden. I feel like I am
watching a high school play (and that is being generous). It is not the
actors or writers fault, it is the directors. Just watch any of the
other TN and you see the actors actually moving around and well, just
acting.
The
second thing I would have done is changed the wardrobe group. The
costuming is just ‘wrong.’ Cami in real life is very glamorous so why
did they make her look like a throw back to the 60's? Doris always looks
bad in whatever she is wearing. Lulu's very high heels make me cringe.”
Rosemary Primera
“I wish that we could have visited Rennie's yacht. Surely Oscar has a boat. I would have had Sarita in a different costume every day. I would have liked more of Lucrezia, Doris, and Rita.
More Oscar... he seemed so real.” Carlos
“Aren't
we overdue for a shower scene? The Prince of Darkness needs to take a
long drench with some product-placed Suave shampoo and get rid of the
grease and the scruff. Maybe if he were clean, he would feel better and
behave better.” Julia
“What to change: Mariana doesn’t die. Cut
the Fab & Flo storyline. Maybe there should only have been one
younger daughter--to make the Doris-Antonio relationship age
appropriate. Antonio should have been clean shaven and curly locked. He
should have been a little more Don Juanish with Camila. He could have
wooed her a bit better and provided some conflict for her to choose
between nice Pedro and naughty Antonio.
Maria-Angel-Manuel were great but came in too late. More Rennie-Rita-Oscar-Elvira would have lightened the load of muck we got. Don Gregorio could have been a more attractive older actor (so we wouldn’t cringe to see him in bed with anyone). Make Lulu less crazy and more devious. The
whorehouse thing--we enjoyed making fun of it, but as smart as Doris
was at accounting, she could have been cooking the books and stealing El
Trash right out from under Antonio and Don G and found herself a
handsome accomplice like Lucas for fun on the side.
Esteban's mother should have moved to Fresno and she wouldn't have taken and nonsense from Sarita and Gabe (or Elvira). Claudio and Tia shouldn't have died in the explosion. They should have ended up in the hospital, terrribly wounded. Claudio still would have had a chance with Flo--oops, forgot, I wrote her out.” Endless paraphrased blather from Anita. P.S. Carlos replied that, “Sorry, with GM footing the bill, that cute little Ford had to die a violent death. Paty and Claudio were collateral damage.”
TAL*MART Grand Finale Sale. No Refunds. All Sales Are, Por Fin, Wait For It, Final
Clothing and T-Shirt Department
For Mike ONLY—Special order tee that says, “I can’t believe I watched the first 1/4.”
New tee with “I can't believe I watched the whole thing!” (or summer porch banner)
New tee with “I'm SO glad it is over!" (also as a coffee mug, heck, make it a banner)
New tee with “I didn’t watch the whole thing, but enjoyed the recaps”
New tee with “They killed Renato! You bastards”
New tee with “Rafa can't possibly be as happy as WE are”
New tee with “Who’s Your Daddy?” (also mugs, ball point pens, and tote bags)
New tee with “POR FIN”
New
tee with “The Few - The Slightly Abashed - The Talismaniacs! All for
one and one for Alternate Fresno,” designed by Blue Lass
New tee with “The Few, The Proud – The Mighty Bashed, The Slightly Abashed - The Talismaniacs,” modified design by Anita
Cropped leather jacket (à la Lucrazy) with "Talismaniacs Raisin Hell" embroidered on the back
A Multi-colored Amorcito Pear apron for Tracy
Lulu’s red floor-length gown made to look like naughty underwear
The
blue off the sleeve dress Camila wore to the wedding; the one she
didn't choose after trying them on out shopping with Pedro that day…it
was my favorite of the trying on session.
Rita
and Rennie’s hand crafted from gently used
headbands--short-short-skorts made out of 100% silk (dry clean only) or
100 % cotton
Fine lawn handkerchiefs with MI CHEQUE embroidered on the corner
Large avocado green table napkins with Wait For It, ES MIO stiched in yellow across the middle
Toy Department
Blow-up Glitter Mask Girl doll for Lucas. Doris is temporarily unavailable
Blow-up Pedro doll for Lucrecia. Washable, safe for drooling manicomio inmates
Grocery Department
Fresno’s
Own Chocolatier™ selling individually, silver foil-wrapped replicas of
Beltbuckle's last big meltdown in dark, indio xocoatl.
Holy Guacamole – blessed by the Padre, comes in flash frozen packs. Defrost, grab some Tostitos from Maria’s kitchen or Ulises stop ‘n shop on LQNPA, dip, scoop and enjoy.
Edible Hats
Cosmetic and Hair Care Products Department
Fresh stock of Insta-Curl, for those desiring the HAIR, or the natural Aaron ‘luke’
Q=Speaking of hair, how about Cam's wedding 'do? That was some massive brioche on her head (attributed to the Cap’n)
A=Suave Products: attaching pastry to women's heads since 1942 (attributed to Blue Lass)
I'm going to go right out and buy some Suave Keratin Infusion Smooth and Shine Feel so I, too, can have el “luke” de Sarita
Special – Today Only
Coupon for The Only Frock ‘n Beauty (& Transplant) Salon™ in Fresno for Camila to get a brain, some pretty clothes and a decent hairdo. She is just plain dull.
Instant
wedding kits with overnight delivery; crate includes strapless satin
dress, rings, champagne, a selection of elegant foods on trays, flowers,
and Suave hair smoother. Kevlar vests sold separately.
Book, CD and DVD Department
New children’s nighttime story book, "Gregorio’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Slumber Party."
The New Spanish-English Telenovela dictionary, complete with screenshots of important guapos and galanes (and gallinas).
New Hercule Poirot mystery series set in Fresno. In the first, One Big Yellow Underdog Pig, the famed Hercule arrives in Fresno by air to clear up a great mystery. He
checks into The Only Hotel Inn™ Fresno to take on the case of “What
*was* the rivalry between the two great families from El Tal and El
Alca” all about. He rents a car and driver, then makes a courtesy call to El Capitán. Mais oui, pour bonne chance, Le Capitaine aussi parle français. The
only clues he has are feathers, poison, a giant beltbuckle, some
interesting glitter masks, avocado pits and some kinky leather pants. He goes to see Brigitte at the Ho-House first. He’s pretty sure she has all the answers. Regrettablement, on his way to see her he has an accident when his automobile collides with an old turquoise colored Chevy. While
he’s in hospital being treated by Dr. Raúl, he learns that this
mis-story was made into a non-award winning Spanish-language telenovela
intentionally dumbed down for English-speaking audiences trying
desperately to improve their Spanish. Disappointed, he books a flight on the first plane back to France. However, before he can leave, Le Capitaine calls him for help on “The Case of the Missing Pants.” It had been assigned to Hawt Detective, but he’s been transferred to foot patrol.
Downloadable video of Rita and Rennie’s Awesome Crotch Shots (rated PG-13—suitable for the F¹ and F² girls, but not Santiagito)
A complete set of Aaron’s 10 favorite Westerns. Uncensored shoot ‘em dead in clouds of dust, blood and palpitating heart scenes. Individual DVD’s also available for rent from Tal*Martflix.
Angel
Motivational CDs for listening while driving between Fresno and LA or
Tijuana, "How to keep your avocados and your brains while surrounded by
lunatics and high-pitched shrieking."
Miscellaneous Department
100%
suede boda bag with leather, beaded fringe, tastefully leather-tooled
on the front, “Who’s Your Daddy?” The reverse has a blank space for the
purchaser to fill in.
Clearance on body bags. Some clerk made a typo in the order. It should have been bod-A bags (see above for detailed description of previous order).
Magic Eraser to get those pesky marker lines off your monitor (after you finish the Name Game)
Leftover Peacocks and Peahens. They
breed profusely, so in order to keep the population in check,
substitute marble eggs (the hen is too stupid to know the difference,
except she can count, so make sure you do before making substitutions*). Fertilized peacock eggs are not that tasty, but in a pinch, they can be fed to El Piggorio. *this is true
Fresno Yacht Club Grand Finale Celebration Glassware, from shot glasses to supersize. If you are lucky, one of them will have an exact duplicate of MI CHEQUE in it, although it has no value.
Slightly used Yacht, for sale by Oscar, who is moving to Montana.
Julia’s Secure Locks, a Best Buy, but hardly ever used appropriately.
Reformulated Luminol—picks up bacon grease stains
New
line of sympathy cards by Ufforea™ (what Pedro felt when this was
over). Appropriate for both the dead, the un-dead, the newly dead and
the nearly dead cast and crew of El Talismán.
Labels: Talisman
Comments:
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Mushas grashias, Cap'n. I'm off to San whatever it is to follow Luciana around.
Enjoy the post mortem, folks.
Anita
Enjoy the post mortem, folks.
Anita
Brilliant! Anita, thank you for being our editor in chief, our home shopper, and our inventory specialist.
I will take one leather jacket, one pear apron, a case of Holy Guacamole, motivational CDs, boda bag (to go with the jacket, and Ufforea cards for my first round. Although I love animals I think I'll take a pass on the peacocks and hens.
Anita, this is terrific and with a perfect title. The Last Gasp is right. El Talisman tried to commit suicide over and over, and like everything else it just couldn't get it right. Luckily you were around to help it on its way out.
I will take one leather jacket, one pear apron, a case of Holy Guacamole, motivational CDs, boda bag (to go with the jacket, and Ufforea cards for my first round. Although I love animals I think I'll take a pass on the peacocks and hens.
Anita, this is terrific and with a perfect title. The Last Gasp is right. El Talisman tried to commit suicide over and over, and like everything else it just couldn't get it right. Luckily you were around to help it on its way out.
Don't forget those high heeled sneakers! They actually showed these on one of the morning shows the other day as the latest summer trend. I yelled "nnooooooooo" at the tv. Then I laughed imagining all those potential Lulu's stomping around trying not to fall and calling out for Pedrooo. Es Mio!
Kelly
Kelly
Permalink posted by 
: Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 8:00:00 PM EDT
: Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 8:00:00 PM EDT
Amid all the delicious tidbits, the thing that laid me out was "edible hats." :D
Permalink posted by : Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 8:54:00 PM EDT
: Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 8:54:00 PM EDT
"Edible hats", I had to do a double-take on that one too. Our editor's sense of humor is deliciously subversive.
Kelly, I think the high heeled sneakers have been out of stock at Tal*Mart for a long time. (I can only imagine how you must have howled at the latest trend. Lord have mercy!)
Kelly, I think the high heeled sneakers have been out of stock at Tal*Mart for a long time. (I can only imagine how you must have howled at the latest trend. Lord have mercy!)
Oh, Anita loved this Last Gasp lol. But M. Hercule Poirot would be very offended, cause he is , wait for it, BELGIAN. Everytime someone would call him a Frenchman he would be very, very offended, lol. Jus' sayin'
I am glad he is on the case of the missing pants. Maybe he'll find them lol.
I am glad he is on the case of the missing pants. Maybe he'll find them lol.
Madelaine, in the last Poirot I watched someone called him "froggy". He maintained very well but then waited for the perfect moment when he could announce, wait for it, he is BELGIAN, not French. Ha!!!!
Ah, we love our little Belgian, n'est ce pas?
Ah, we love our little Belgian, n'est ce pas?
Yes, we do. Love that M. Hercule Poirot. OT: Do you know Cap'n that Agatha Christies estate authorized two new Hercule Poirot mysteries? One is called Black Coffee and I don't know what the other is. The Black Coffee I have and was a great book.
Que que QUE? I just checked my library and they have Black Coffee! They have another book, Agatha Christie adopted by Charles Osborne, called Spider's Web. Could that be it? Library closed half an hour ago so I will go down there first thing tomorrow morning and get them both. Gracias Madelaine! I'm so excited.
Pardonez mois, tout le monde. Fortunately, I did not call him a Franschman. I do believe they speak Fransch in half of Belgium, n'est-ce pas? He was flying back to Fransch on Air Fransch and it stops in Orly Airport first before continuing on to Bruxelles or Liege or wherever.
Anita
Anita
Oh, Cap'n Spider's Web doesn't have M. Poirot in it. It is more of one of her spy thrillers. But Black Coffee definitely has M. Hercule Poirot in it. Charles Osbourne also wrote a third but it also doesn't have Poirot in it.
Thanks Anita, this is fun. Put me down for a copy of Gregorio’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Slumber Party. I presume that it's illustrated with a pop-up Elvira. Of course put me down for the edible hat. Are Antonio's and Pigs crystal decanters for sale? The certainly won't be needing them.
Carlos
Carlos
Carlos--Since Joven Pancho inherited everything, he and Tracy will either keep the crystal decanters or he will send them to Sotheby's to be auctioned off (that is if he can do it before Venevision packs it up and moves it to their next production).
Anita
Anita
Brava Anita! What a send off for a very special show. We should borrow Padre Lupe from Abismo and have him lead a funeral processional right to the banks of Lake Fresno where we can do a ritualistic cleansing. Dias despues, and I still feel dirty.
I will miss all the fluff that came with this show.
R la O
I will miss all the fluff that came with this show.
R la O
Anita thanks for this "last gasp." I think Padre Lupe, in addition to assisting in our cleansing, should get a life time of edible hats.
Anita, so sorry I thought you called him a Francsh man lol. Yes, M. Poirot comes from the half of Belgium that speaks French, the other I beleive speaks Flemish. Now I know why he was flying to France. France is very close to Belgium, on the border in fact. Another factoid about Poirot, he actually lives in England, at Whitehaven Mansions, in London. His sidekick Cap'n Hastings lives nearby, as does Ms Felicity Lemon his secretary. Jus' sayin' lol.
"The Last Gasp is right. El Talisman tried to commit suicide over and over, and like everything else it just couldn't get it right. Luckily you were around to help it on its way out."
< slow claps for Sylvia >
I'm still holding out for that Don Bombastico dartboard and the unauthorized tell-all book Doris or Elvira would write about all this, !Largate!: La Historia de Dos Hogares.
< slow claps for Sylvia >
I'm still holding out for that Don Bombastico dartboard and the unauthorized tell-all book Doris or Elvira would write about all this, !Largate!: La Historia de Dos Hogares.
I hadn't thought to check back here. Thank you, Anita for your postmortem. I'll have a t-shirt and a boda bag for starters.
Quite a ride / train wreck. Pedro had the right idea, just stay stoned!
Mike and I are watching Refugio and Abismo but not commenting often. Too many hours of tv... We (well me!) are hoping the Jaime Camil tn comes on at 7:00 so we can bail on the other two.
Thanks again to all the 'recrappers' of this one. It was fun, in a sick twisted way.
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Quite a ride / train wreck. Pedro had the right idea, just stay stoned!
Mike and I are watching Refugio and Abismo but not commenting often. Too many hours of tv... We (well me!) are hoping the Jaime Camil tn comes on at 7:00 so we can bail on the other two.
Thanks again to all the 'recrappers' of this one. It was fun, in a sick twisted way.
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