Caray, Caray!

Vilma will stay home with Ahole while Mini and Mom go out, allegedly for Mini's pre-birth counseling to prevent psychological birth trauma.

Saul visits MA at the market for rehash. He dIdn't find any more proof in the stuff Mini provided, but he has some people looking at Ahole's bank transfers to Adolfo.

MA says no, the papers for the house haven't shown up yet, and it's just as well because he'd be tempted to do a stupid thing and maybe that would be more trouble than he can handle right now. Saul teases MA for being in love. Nepo overhears and asks, who are you in love with? MA says he's in love with his job. He introduces Saul, who picks lint off of MA's shirt like a fussy spouse. "We're not that close," MA tells Nepo.

Mati asks how Emil did at his polo match (??) but it's not till next week. (I hope she's referring to the show-and-tell at school). He asks her about the wordy papers she swapped out with his drawings mixed together with Leo's. She reminds him not to tell anyone else about them, because those papers have magic powers. They can be good or bad depending on whose hands they fall into. They can even be dangerous. Certain things can change people and bring out their ugly side and turn love into hate. "Don't worry about them," she reassures Emil. "I put them somewhere no one will find them. They're like a treasure map!"

AS tries on Carmelita's revised curtain dress, which looks pretty much like most of AS's other dresses. AS says the dress isn't bad, which is her way of saying it's fabulous. Frida tells Carmelita it's great. Carm says two more are on the way for As to try on. AS says she'll just keep wearing this one for now! Carmelita surprises her with a bonus - a matching outfit for Da Vinci! AS says she'll pay when the other two dresses are done; some with the money she earns from her etiquette classes (snicker), and MA will pay the rest. (She thinks.)

AS won't give out her phone number for the etiquette lessons. No, she put Frida's number on all the flyers!! Frida doesn't want anything to do with it, but AS says Frida is being ungrateful to the woman who gave her life. And AS thinks Carmelita should be the first student. With better service, AS says, Carm could transform the fonda from a comman neighborhood diner to a fine dining place. Carmela laughs.

MA tries to explain his business idea to Nepo. It would be an entirely separate one. He will study the market and figure out how to attract clients and create demand. Nepo doesn't know what he's talking about. MA explains: like all the big beverage companies that persuade people like Nepo to drink anything but water, they have to convince their potential customers to drink juice.

Nepo finds MA's words persuasive, and hopes he'll come along to Chalma and work the same magic with Lupita on Nepo's behalf. MA refuses and goes home.

Vilma holds a photo of Mini in front of her face so that Ahole can practice his angry accusations. ("How dare you cheat on me after I've given you everything! Who is he? Is he that gynecologist you never let me see?") Vilma suggests that they snoop around the house for some clues, because Mini isn't all that smart and she's probably left a letter or a receipt or something sitting around.

He tries to stand up out of his wheelchair, but can't. Vilma has to put her arms around him to help him up. It looks like the happiest moment of her life as he wimpers helplessly in her arms.

Carmelita and Lupita count the candles on their next client's birthday cake. MA, passing through, trips over a chair (what else?) and falls on his face. Lupita doesn't even stop counting.

Beto takes Mini and Mom to the prebirth counseling place and expects them to wait while he parks the car. They go through the back of the building to pick up a cab to Nopalera.

Among Mini's things, Vilma finds a Little Red Riding Hood costume and wolf mask (recycled from PESE), which only confuses her. She tells Ahole that her work on Saul is paying off: "If he were a soccer player, he'd be benched forever." "Huh? I don't watch soccer. Soccer is for commoners," Ahole whines. She has to explain it to him.

Mini and Mom go into the fonda, where the birthday party is just beginning. They are cleverly disguised in kerchiefs and sunglasses that not only fail to conceal their identities, but make them more conspicuous. Carmelita seats them near the birthday party. Isela says that at best, they'll be recognized and lied to again; at worst, they'll be insulted and thrown out. But Mini is sure they won't be recognized. Isela just hopes they aren't attacked.

One of Saul's clients, a Mrs. Rodriguez, accuses Saul of charging her extra because she's a decent married woman. She slaps him and storms out. Saul has no idea what she was talking about. This must be Vilma's smear campaign!

Mini calls MA's phone, hoping to hear it ring. Half the birthday party's phones ring at the same time! (Suddenly, no one has a Unefon! What happened?) MA refuses the call.

Lupe's out getting some more bread, so Carmela lets MA use his old waitering skills to help with the party.

Mini still believes MA is here. "If he smells like lard, then he's definitely here," Isela agrees. She goes outside to check on the taxi (or to escape the lynch mob she's so sure is about to descend upon them). MA walks into the room immediately afterwards. Mini smirks and lets herself into the kitchen. Not wanting to be seen with her, he whisks her into the next room. (Carmela is busy and misses all of this.)

The search of Mini's underwear drawer has turned up nothing except dainty delicates. Vilma suggests checking out the accomplice's things too, but gives Ahole credit for the idea.

Brilliant Ahole, who has miraculously not killed himself out of sheer clumsiness or ineptitude in all his years on earth so far, thinks the accomplice must be... Oyuki. Because who the hell has a housekeeper named Oyuki? Vilma says she was actually thinking of Isela.

She tries to help him up again (maybe the wheelchair is too wide to fit through the door, so he has to walk through and she has to fold up the chair a bit to get it out and then he can sit in it again?), but she stumbles and hits him in his... injury. (I tell you, that thing's gonna be broken permanently by the time all of this is over.)

Panicking, MA scolds Mini for following him here. She pities him for having to live in such a place with such violent animals and that uppity commoner who acts as though she's the queen of this dump. "What? No, I don't live here with all these tacky flowers and lights and the Virgin," MA denies, which just enough scorn to make it sound convincing. Unfortunately, Lupe overhears all of this, and is momentarily convinced.

Fortunately, that moment is only a nanosecond, because then she hears him say that the Menchacas are the finest people he was ever known, and especially that particular woman. Mini gets all misty over his saintliness. It's making her horny! He fends her off. She offers to find him a more comfortable hiding place. He refuses. Lupe is flattered - but also troubled.

At first, Isela's things seem even more mundane than Mini's, except for maybe the butt-lifting undergarment. Vilma finds another one, much bigger, in a different drawer. Then she realizes that this butt has only one cheek, and then she realizes that it's not a butt - it's a belly!

Ahole is sure it can't be a belly. It must be one of those overpriced hypoallergenic pillows. But Vilma finds an even bigger one with a bellybutton. "These are what they use for false pregnancies," Vilma confirms.

"All I want is to exonerate you of the fraud and then marry you," Mini pleads with MA. He replies, "Honestly, I don't love you. I don't feel anything for you. Thanks for the proof you've found for me, but that is all. Anyway, you're married. To my cousin."

Mini flips out and accuses MA of being with another woman. Perhaps Loreny LeMonkey (that's what it sounded like) from London. MA says nope, it's someone else, and she's who he wants to be with. Mini takes the news very badly and threatens to go to the police. She doesn't care if his family is hurt as a result. "I swear this is not the end of it," she shrieks and storms out of the house.

Back home, Ahole is taking the discovery of Mini's false pregnancy very badly, too. Actually he's taking it the way Nepo would: with denial. He feels better when Vilma finds the positive pregnancy test. But then she finds the other test that says Mini is sterile. He reads the report of her undeveloped womb and is devastated. If I didn't know him better, I'd feel sorry for him.

In her rush to leave the Menchaca home, Mini bumps into Chuy and cusses him out with some choice words. He tells her to be more respectful. Lucky for her, the cab is still waiting. She gets in, and it speeds away at an impressive 4 mph, giving Chuy plenty of time to stare after them in bewilderment for so long that it starts to feel awkward...

But during that time, Lupe gives MA a huge kiss. She apologizes for letting her fear get the better of her. Chuy comes home and asks what's the deal with Mini. MA explains. It's bad. Not only because MA could go to jail, and not only because the whole Menchaca family could be in trouble for harboring him, but because Ahole could find out about Lupita and Emiliano, and then it would really hit the fan.

MA doubts that Mini will tell Ahole anything, and if MA leaves the house, the police won't find him. He'll get ready to leave right away. Chuy is happy to let the rest of the family stay (I think he should be allowed to use a cattle prod on them, though).

Mini goes weeweeweewee all the way back to the prebirth counseling place. She can't bring herself to turn MA in. Isela worries that they might be in big trouble if they don't. The taxi driver is listening to every word.

AS is brokenhearted over MA's imminent departure. Oops, no, that's not why she's upset. She's worried that her friends at the cloob will find out where she's really been all this time.

Leo - yes, Leo - scolds AS for being selfish. You know why he thinks she's selfish? Because she's more worried about the cloob than she is about Leo's wedding to the countess, which will be called off if Mac finds out about all this.

AS apologizes, and she and Leo rub noses. MA says, "Whatever. You'll all have to stay here alone in the Menchaaaaca house." AS, Leo, and even Frida express some worry as to how they will survive without him. Oh, and where is Mati, MA asks. They should be keeping track of her.

Beto has just come home with Mini and Mommy. Vilma offers to stick around in case Ahole needs her. He very emphatically tells her to leave. He gets very impatient listening to Mini prattle on about her prebirth counseling class. He invites her to approach. Closer... closer... He asks if the baby's kicking yet. "I was just wondering how far you're capable of taking this lie!" Ahole hisses, and he stabs her in the belly with, I think, a letter-opener. Mini makes her trademark gagging/discomfort noise. I can see her struggling not to laugh because it is HYSTERICAL (no pun intended) when he mocks her, comically, and says he knows it's EMPTY!!

Next time: I do believe Ahole intends to kick Mini and Mommy out... but now that he's sterile too, perhaps he'll be open to making a deal.

Labels: pobres