Monday, September 26, 2016
Tres Veces Ana, Monday Sept 26, 2016: Bonus - Advice from the Patio
Howdy! We have no episode tonight, so in lieu of a recap I offer this silly advice column for the Anas and their friends.
Dear Patio: I have my boyfriend's wedding ring. I've been planning to give it to his wife when I meet her, but I just found out she's my long-lost sister, so now giving her the ring just seems awkward and a little mean. Should I do it anyway?
Also, I'd like to bring gifts when I meet her and my other sister. What do you suggest?
Sincerely, Ana the Acrobat
Dear Ana: Definitely give your sister the ring. It won't be awkward at all - in fact, it'll be a great conversation-starter because she has no idea her husband lost his ring.
In addition to being an effective ice-breaker, the ring will also make a fine gift.
For your other sister, we recommend a box of Kleenex.
Dear Patio: I am practically engaged to a charming and innocent younger woman. I am concerned, though, because she won't let me know where she lives or let me know how to contact her mother so I can ask for her hand. What do you think this means?
Sincerely, Greentail
Dear dirty old man: It sounds as though you're a casualty of the generation gap. You may not realize it, but the behavior you describe is considered perfectly reasonable and typical for young people in love today.
But, not knowing the young woman ourselves, we can't be sure that she's in love with you. However, there are a few clues you can look for. 1) Are you rich? 2) Does she dress like a call girl? If both answers are yes, then it's probably love!
Dear Patio: Some years ago, I did a few things that weren't technically "legal." (In my defense, it was for something that wasn't mine that I really, really wanted.) My victims are learning about this even as I write. I don't want to go to jail and have everyone mad at me. What should I do?
Sincerely, Solitude
Dear child-stealer with no conscience: For your sake, I hope your victims are all soft-hearted relatives of yours. Otherwise, you're screwed big-time.
By the way, here's a phrase you should learn: "I'm sorry." Look it up and find out what it means. It might help.
Dear Patio: I've done everything I can to protect my stepdaughter. Why is she so ungrateful? Also, where did I leave my notebook?
Sincerely, Confused Grandfather
Dear Evaristo: Your stepdaughter has no integrity because she was raised by someone with no integrity. You tore up your notebook. And, in case you forgot (you probably did), you killed your grandson. Welcome to hell!
Dear Patio: I have three lovely nieces. Two of them are sweet and even-tempered, but the third is possessive and physically clingy. Her fits of jealousy have become louder and more frequent. Should I be worried?
Sincerely, Concerned Tio
Dear Ol' Blue Eyes: Find a good residential treatment facility out in the country and wait for your niece to do something that's unambiguously sick. Then tell her you're taking her on a trip. Blammo! She's institutionalized.
Dear Patio: How do I make my uncle look at me as a woman? I've tried everything, but he still sees me as a little girl.
Sincerely, AnaMeMeMe
Dear Sicky: Don't keep him guessing - just make your move. Go for it and don't be subtle! Don't be surprised if he immediately suggests taking a trip together to some nice place in the country. Good luck!
Dear Patio: My girlfriend keeps trying to involve me in a plot to murder her sister. I'm not sure if I want to go through with it. What are my options?
Sincerely, Studly Real Estate Agent
Dear Clownson: Right now, your girlfriend is in control because you're the one who cares more about the relationship. Break up with her! If she insists on knowing why, say something about being envious of the obvious vibe between her and her uncle. Never mind - we know that sounds weird. But give it a try.
Dear Patio: I have my boyfriend's wedding ring. I've been planning to give it to his wife when I meet her, but I just found out she's my long-lost sister, so now giving her the ring just seems awkward and a little mean. Should I do it anyway?
Also, I'd like to bring gifts when I meet her and my other sister. What do you suggest?
Sincerely, Ana the Acrobat
Dear Ana: Definitely give your sister the ring. It won't be awkward at all - in fact, it'll be a great conversation-starter because she has no idea her husband lost his ring.
In addition to being an effective ice-breaker, the ring will also make a fine gift.
For your other sister, we recommend a box of Kleenex.
Dear Patio: I am practically engaged to a charming and innocent younger woman. I am concerned, though, because she won't let me know where she lives or let me know how to contact her mother so I can ask for her hand. What do you think this means?
Sincerely, Greentail
Dear dirty old man: It sounds as though you're a casualty of the generation gap. You may not realize it, but the behavior you describe is considered perfectly reasonable and typical for young people in love today.
But, not knowing the young woman ourselves, we can't be sure that she's in love with you. However, there are a few clues you can look for. 1) Are you rich? 2) Does she dress like a call girl? If both answers are yes, then it's probably love!
Dear Patio: Some years ago, I did a few things that weren't technically "legal." (In my defense, it was for something that wasn't mine that I really, really wanted.) My victims are learning about this even as I write. I don't want to go to jail and have everyone mad at me. What should I do?
Sincerely, Solitude
Dear child-stealer with no conscience: For your sake, I hope your victims are all soft-hearted relatives of yours. Otherwise, you're screwed big-time.
By the way, here's a phrase you should learn: "I'm sorry." Look it up and find out what it means. It might help.
Dear Patio: I've done everything I can to protect my stepdaughter. Why is she so ungrateful? Also, where did I leave my notebook?
Sincerely, Confused Grandfather
Dear Evaristo: Your stepdaughter has no integrity because she was raised by someone with no integrity. You tore up your notebook. And, in case you forgot (you probably did), you killed your grandson. Welcome to hell!
Dear Patio: I have three lovely nieces. Two of them are sweet and even-tempered, but the third is possessive and physically clingy. Her fits of jealousy have become louder and more frequent. Should I be worried?
Sincerely, Concerned Tio
Dear Ol' Blue Eyes: Find a good residential treatment facility out in the country and wait for your niece to do something that's unambiguously sick. Then tell her you're taking her on a trip. Blammo! She's institutionalized.
Dear Patio: How do I make my uncle look at me as a woman? I've tried everything, but he still sees me as a little girl.
Sincerely, AnaMeMeMe
Dear Sicky: Don't keep him guessing - just make your move. Go for it and don't be subtle! Don't be surprised if he immediately suggests taking a trip together to some nice place in the country. Good luck!
Dear Patio: My girlfriend keeps trying to involve me in a plot to murder her sister. I'm not sure if I want to go through with it. What are my options?
Sincerely, Studly Real Estate Agent
Dear Clownson: Right now, your girlfriend is in control because you're the one who cares more about the relationship. Break up with her! If she insists on knowing why, say something about being envious of the obvious vibe between her and her uncle. Never mind - we know that sounds weird. But give it a try.
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Dear A. ACrobat,
Yes, definitely give her the ring your boyfriend\her husband gave you....and then, giggle just a little...as you ever so slowly back a-w-a-y. As for appropriate gifts, gee, I don't know ....how about a heart for the heartless one and courage for the timid one.
Yes, definitely give her the ring your boyfriend\her husband gave you....and then, giggle just a little...as you ever so slowly back a-w-a-y. As for appropriate gifts, gee, I don't know ....how about a heart for the heartless one and courage for the timid one.
Permalink posted by 
: Monday, September 26, 2016 at 9:09:00 PM EDT
: Monday, September 26, 2016 at 9:09:00 PM EDT
Thanks Julie. Nice touch for unwinding after WWF Smackdown...er debate.
If I were the unwitting bedmate of AnaLedtMeDoThat's hubby, I'd give myself a trip to my Ob Gyn. And a nice hot soapy shower.
t
If I were the unwitting bedmate of AnaLedtMeDoThat's hubby, I'd give myself a trip to my Ob Gyn. And a nice hot soapy shower.
t
Permalink posted by : Monday, September 26, 2016 at 10:55:00 PM EDT
: Monday, September 26, 2016 at 10:55:00 PM EDT
A great conversation starter? Yeah, sorta like the conversation I just watched. Yikes!
Too funny
Clownson?
toa
Too funny
Clownson?
toa
Permalink posted by : Monday, September 26, 2016 at 11:05:00 PM EDT
: Monday, September 26, 2016 at 11:05:00 PM EDT
Dear Patio: There is this one guy who I can't stand. Actually he is a wery wery baaaad dude. I want to beat the holy bejesus outta him, but every time I think I have him cornered, he seems to disappear.
Sincerely, Santi
Dear Splitty: You will never be able to get him. You need to give a nice gun and picture to a thug and have him hunt him down.
Sincerely, Santi
Dear Splitty: You will never be able to get him. You need to give a nice gun and picture to a thug and have him hunt him down.
Permalink posted by : Monday, September 26, 2016 at 11:15:00 PM EDT
: Monday, September 26, 2016 at 11:15:00 PM EDT
Wha a nice surprise to find your wry "Ask Julie" this morning. What a treat!
"For your other sister, we recommend a box of Kleenex" and " Find a good residential treatment facility out in the country and wait for your niece to do something that's unambiguously sick" were my favs.
I have to laugh at this bunch of flatout cra cra characters. It's a train wreck but I can't look away!
Susanlynn, "how about a heart for the heartless one and courage for the timid one" - excellent idea...
Really missed seeing this last night and am grateful for some interesting thoughts to ponder.
Diana
"For your other sister, we recommend a box of Kleenex" and " Find a good residential treatment facility out in the country and wait for your niece to do something that's unambiguously sick" were my favs.
I have to laugh at this bunch of flatout cra cra characters. It's a train wreck but I can't look away!
Susanlynn, "how about a heart for the heartless one and courage for the timid one" - excellent idea...
Really missed seeing this last night and am grateful for some interesting thoughts to ponder.
Diana
Permalink posted by : Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 7:28:00 AM EDT
: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 7:28:00 AM EDT
Clownson=son of a clown. Like "whoreson", but with clowns. (For the record, I love clowns. But Iñaki has a thing about being the son of a clown.)
I wish I could have come up with more questions and answers. Actually, I was able to come up with more questions, but no sassy answers to go with them. Like this one from Ana Laura:
"Dear Patio: My boyfriend gets mad when my only friend comes over, just because my only friend is in love with me and won't give up. My boyfriend says the problem is with my friend, but my friend says my boyfriend's being unreasonable hovering over us all the time. Who's right?"
Frankly, the problem is so ridiculous that I can't think of a funny answer because my brain is imploding.
I also had "questions" from Ernestina and/or Rodrigo about their mystery dating app buddies (that wasn't resolved yet, was it?), Valeria about being investigated by the only other person who could have committed the crime, Maribel ("why am I in this story?"), etc. but the more I tried to think about them, the more the answers eluded me. (Not that I don't have opinions, it's just that they're so obvious and simple that they're not funny.)
But if anyone has anything to add, have at it. This is Advice from the Patio, not just Advice from Julie.
I wish I could have come up with more questions and answers. Actually, I was able to come up with more questions, but no sassy answers to go with them. Like this one from Ana Laura:
"Dear Patio: My boyfriend gets mad when my only friend comes over, just because my only friend is in love with me and won't give up. My boyfriend says the problem is with my friend, but my friend says my boyfriend's being unreasonable hovering over us all the time. Who's right?"
Frankly, the problem is so ridiculous that I can't think of a funny answer because my brain is imploding.
I also had "questions" from Ernestina and/or Rodrigo about their mystery dating app buddies (that wasn't resolved yet, was it?), Valeria about being investigated by the only other person who could have committed the crime, Maribel ("why am I in this story?"), etc. but the more I tried to think about them, the more the answers eluded me. (Not that I don't have opinions, it's just that they're so obvious and simple that they're not funny.)
But if anyone has anything to add, have at it. This is Advice from the Patio, not just Advice from Julie.
Thanks Susanlynn and Anon11:15 for your contributions! :-)
As for the heart and the courage, I don't know... I think Ana Laura has been getting a little braver. But AnaLet's definitely been getting worse.
Actually, I'd give the heart to Marcelo and the courage to Santi. And if the wizard has a spare brain to give away, perhaps SantiMarc can take that too, if it doesn't have a tumor. And AnaLu needs to go Home to her family!
And I think we know who the wicked witch is... so the only thing missing is Toto.
As for the heart and the courage, I don't know... I think Ana Laura has been getting a little braver. But AnaLet's definitely been getting worse.
Actually, I'd give the heart to Marcelo and the courage to Santi. And if the wizard has a spare brain to give away, perhaps SantiMarc can take that too, if it doesn't have a tumor. And AnaLu needs to go Home to her family!
And I think we know who the wicked witch is... so the only thing missing is Toto.
For Ana Leticia a bottle of Dawn dishwashing detergent for washing away her sins (it even removes grease : Iñaki looks greasy in his own way) and for Ana Laura several bottles of champagnes to get her to relax and be happy.
Fun topic! Thanks, Julie.
Fun topic! Thanks, Julie.
Thanks Julie, I needed that on this dreary Tuesday morning! All so funny and the ones on Isidro, Inaki and Soledad especially!!
We need one for Orlando, as he sure could use an advice columb right about now, with trusty Evaristo off his rocker.
Can't wait to see what we have in store in tonight's episode!
We need one for Orlando, as he sure could use an advice columb right about now, with trusty Evaristo off his rocker.
Can't wait to see what we have in store in tonight's episode!
Dear Patio: I am in luuurvvve with this cute little one legged mouse. She loves me more than moldy cheese, too. My problem is Mighty Mouse is trying to steal her away, and she is not discouraging him. He was injured saving a bowl of cheese from Sylvester, and is crippled now, and I think she feels sorry for him. She is from a litter of three and the other two are serviceable. What should I do?
Minney Thanks, Mickey
Dear UnHero: It is clear you are fighting a fight you will never win as is. You have to lose a part if you really luuuurve her and want it to work. Although another one from the same liter may seem like an alternative, many times there can be a wide variation in personalities even in one litter. A hand should do it. Better if lost protecting her.
Minney Thanks, Mickey
Dear UnHero: It is clear you are fighting a fight you will never win as is. You have to lose a part if you really luuuurve her and want it to work. Although another one from the same liter may seem like an alternative, many times there can be a wide variation in personalities even in one litter. A hand should do it. Better if lost protecting her.
Permalink posted by : Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 10:33:00 AM EDT
: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 10:33:00 AM EDT
Orlando is a good example of someone I had an answer for (something about shampoo, or since Jarifa mentioned it, Dawn dishwashing detergent), but no question. At least none that really fit the answer.
OH! I've got it:
Dear Patio: I'm wanted by the police for shooting a nice lady. But I'm greedy, so before I skip town I'm trying to extort some money out of someone. How can I get out of this mess without getting caught? Signed, Cool Guy
Dear Oilando: Take a bath and wash your hair with the detergent that they use for ducks who get caught in an oil spill. That way you can make a "clean getaway"!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!
OH! I've got it:
Dear Patio: I'm wanted by the police for shooting a nice lady. But I'm greedy, so before I skip town I'm trying to extort some money out of someone. How can I get out of this mess without getting caught? Signed, Cool Guy
Dear Oilando: Take a bath and wash your hair with the detergent that they use for ducks who get caught in an oil spill. That way you can make a "clean getaway"!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!
Dear Pennzoil: If you were any dumber, we would have to water you twice a week. So here goes. OK so you shot some nice lady. Too bad too sad. Now, you are extorting someone, right? Get her prints on the gun you used, then after she pays you, turn her in. You look a lot like those greased pigs at the county fair, I would be surprised if anybody could keep hold of you anyway.
PS Don't fork with Maribel or you will need more than an oil change and new plugs next time. BTW, does your employer have profit sharing and a 401K plan?
PS Don't fork with Maribel or you will need more than an oil change and new plugs next time. BTW, does your employer have profit sharing and a 401K plan?
Permalink posted by : Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 12:16:00 PM EDT
: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 12:16:00 PM EDT
WOW! Ana Let is on a major roll here wreaking havoc, dealing with murdering psychos by plotting to exterminate her enemies, etc.,
Steve. She IS the murdering psycho. I had asked about you here a couple of weeks ago as you are the Caray body count statistician, and I had lost count.
Thanks, Julie. Simply hilarious! My favorites are the dueling advice to AnaLe and Tío -- Don't be surprised if he immediately suggests taking a trip together to some nice place in the country and Find a good residential treatment facility out in the country...
I know things will soon get tragic, but I am getting a kick out of AnaLe taking on rabo verde Isidro and slimy Orlando. When she walked out into the alley in her lingerie late at night alone and faced Oily, she was so bada$$.
Hmmm, what does Ana Laura need? IMHO she does have the stuff to stand up to AnaLe. It's not timidity holding her back there but awareness that her sister is only steps away from cuckoo for cocoa puffs. So she gives AnaLe unconditional love in the (blind) hope she'll get through to her. AnaLaura is mostdef timid though when it comes to letting Ramiro see her amputation and getting frisky with him. She let's TinTin swarm over her cause she's got no fear there cause he doesn't ring her bell.
I know things will soon get tragic, but I am getting a kick out of AnaLe taking on rabo verde Isidro and slimy Orlando. When she walked out into the alley in her lingerie late at night alone and faced Oily, she was so bada$$.
Hmmm, what does Ana Laura need? IMHO she does have the stuff to stand up to AnaLe. It's not timidity holding her back there but awareness that her sister is only steps away from cuckoo for cocoa puffs. So she gives AnaLe unconditional love in the (blind) hope she'll get through to her. AnaLaura is mostdef timid though when it comes to letting Ramiro see her amputation and getting frisky with him. She let's TinTin swarm over her cause she's got no fear there cause he doesn't ring her bell.
True, Niecie. Ana Laura seems to be the only person who really sees there's something seriously wrong with AnaLet.
Mariano and Ernestina suspect she has problems, but only Ana Laura has an inkling as to how bad it is.
Mariano and Ernestina suspect she has problems, but only Ana Laura has an inkling as to how bad it is.
Julie, I don't think Ana Laura is close enough to knowing what a monster Ana MeMeME really is. She has never seen her get homicidal or heard her ruminate about it. That has yet to happen. She would need to overhear her because I doubt that Ana MeMeME would admit how she really feels about Tio Mariano.
Valentin doesn't ring Ana Laura's bell and that is understandable. I can't understand why Ramiro does when she's known him all her life. That usually doesn't go that way.
Valentin doesn't ring Ana Laura's bell and that is understandable. I can't understand why Ramiro does when she's known him all her life. That usually doesn't go that way.
Just checking back...
Jarifa, loved your "For Ana Leticia a bottle of Dawn dishwashing detergent for washing away her sins (it even removes grease : Iñaki looks greasy in his own way) and for Ana Laura several bottles of champagnes to get her to relax and be happy."
Terrific....
Diana
Jarifa, loved your "For Ana Leticia a bottle of Dawn dishwashing detergent for washing away her sins (it even removes grease : Iñaki looks greasy in his own way) and for Ana Laura several bottles of champagnes to get her to relax and be happy."
Terrific....
Diana
Permalink posted by : Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 3:44:00 PM EDT
: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 3:44:00 PM EDT
Ana Laura was present once when AnaLe had a psycho tantrum about Tío being her one and only. She quizzed AnaLe about this crazy talk but went into denial when AnaLe covered with some gobbledygook about what she really meant.
Ana Laura has seen more of the bad stuff than any person who's still alive. True she doesn't know about the murders, but she knows that AnaLet has something more than a mild neurosis.
This was awesome, Julie! I have to say that if you're wondering who Toto is, it's Inaki. He's a little puppy lapping at the heels of the Wicked Witch.
Dear Patio,
I have a daughter, well she's not really my daughter, but I really, really, really feel like she's mine because I found her & took care of her--and I didn't even ask for a finder's fee from her uncle when he confronted me. Anyhow, I've tried persuading her to come with me, and even thought about kidnapping her....again. My question is, how much chloroform would it take if I use a thick cotton rag.
Sincerely, Seizing-The-Opportunity
Dear Knitwit,
Skip the chloroform, and the girl. Her weepy, dependent sister is more your speed. And if you keep her prosthetic on a leash, she'll never run away.
Dear Patio,
I like this girl, but she doesn't seem to be paying me any mind, no matter how hard I twirl and thrust my pelvis. My family isn't much help. My dad clowns around and my brother is a whore. He gives it up to older ladies, and gets paid really well. She likes oily dudes and guys who wear patched sleeves. Should I get greasy or patchy?
Waiting in anticipated thrust, Ring-My-Bel
Dear Javier-self-a-seat,
Sounds like your beau doesn't know what she likes. Find yourself a girl (or twirling male) who can appreciate you in your strapping leotard. Seek out someone who will make you flip your lid, not a coin.
Dear Patio,
My girlfriend now knows my wife is her sister, she never wants to see me again. My alter-ego told her everything, and now she found out her mother is some strange lady who kidnapped her. I feel horrible, and don't know how to get her back. Oh and I have a tumor. What do I do?
Your truly, Just Wanna Hyde Away
Dear InSanity-ago,
What the---? Where do I beg--? Who did you---? Uh, Lobotomy. Final Answer.
Dear Patio,
I have a daughter, well she's not really my daughter, but I really, really, really feel like she's mine because I found her & took care of her--and I didn't even ask for a finder's fee from her uncle when he confronted me. Anyhow, I've tried persuading her to come with me, and even thought about kidnapping her....again. My question is, how much chloroform would it take if I use a thick cotton rag.
Sincerely, Seizing-The-Opportunity
Dear Knitwit,
Skip the chloroform, and the girl. Her weepy, dependent sister is more your speed. And if you keep her prosthetic on a leash, she'll never run away.
Dear Patio,
I like this girl, but she doesn't seem to be paying me any mind, no matter how hard I twirl and thrust my pelvis. My family isn't much help. My dad clowns around and my brother is a whore. He gives it up to older ladies, and gets paid really well. She likes oily dudes and guys who wear patched sleeves. Should I get greasy or patchy?
Waiting in anticipated thrust, Ring-My-Bel
Dear Javier-self-a-seat,
Sounds like your beau doesn't know what she likes. Find yourself a girl (or twirling male) who can appreciate you in your strapping leotard. Seek out someone who will make you flip your lid, not a coin.
Dear Patio,
My girlfriend now knows my wife is her sister, she never wants to see me again. My alter-ego told her everything, and now she found out her mother is some strange lady who kidnapped her. I feel horrible, and don't know how to get her back. Oh and I have a tumor. What do I do?
Your truly, Just Wanna Hyde Away
Dear InSanity-ago,
What the---? Where do I beg--? Who did you---? Uh, Lobotomy. Final Answer.
Dear Patio,
I really luuurvve this guy and we are getting married. As a child I lost one leg at the knee and have a prosthesis. My love knows about it and is OK, but I am a little freaked out about it with our wedding night coming up soon What should I do?
AnaPeg
Dear Hop-a Long:
Learn to bark.
t
I really luuurvve this guy and we are getting married. As a child I lost one leg at the knee and have a prosthesis. My love knows about it and is OK, but I am a little freaked out about it with our wedding night coming up soon What should I do?
AnaPeg
Dear Hop-a Long:
Learn to bark.
t
Permalink posted by : Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 4:52:00 PM EDT
: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 at 4:52:00 PM EDT
Julie, still laughing:
"Dear Oilando: Take a bath and wash your hair with the detergent that they use for ducks who get caught in an oil spill. That way you can make a "clean getaway"!"
Too funny!!
"Dear Oilando: Take a bath and wash your hair with the detergent that they use for ducks who get caught in an oil spill. That way you can make a "clean getaway"!"
Too funny!!
Just found this Julie. Absolutely hilarious You need to be writing for Saturday Night Live. Or at least subbing for Carolyn Hax. Who needs telenovelas or recaps? Just hang out on the Patio and laugh together.
Have they announced the finale date yet? I want to do another Crimes of Fashion before this series ends.
Unfortunately, the other two I'm watching isn't as rich with Fashion Felonies as this one is.
Unfortunately, the other two I'm watching isn't as rich with Fashion Felonies as this one is.
We never seem to know finale dates till the last minute, do we?
But don't worry too much about the timing - every episode gives us a new fashion felony on Ana Leticia, so there's really no bad time!
Judy, I had to look up Carolyn Hax. I didn't know who she was. I'm still stuck in the days of Dear Abby.
But don't worry too much about the timing - every episode gives us a new fashion felony on Ana Leticia, so there's really no bad time!
Judy, I had to look up Carolyn Hax. I didn't know who she was. I'm still stuck in the days of Dear Abby.
I really like the Carolyn Hax columns. I find them intelligent and informative. We only get them every other day in our newspaper. The rest of the time it's Dear Abby written by her daughter. Borrrrring. So you will never be the next Dear Abby...way too witty for that mode.
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