Caray, Caray!

Little Shop of Workouts

The Evil Twins are twisting and punching and hefting and dropping vital tidbits of information that Blue Lass is feverishly attempting to snatch up off the floor. Something about a diary -- or a newspaper, same word in Spanish, so confusing -- that someone threatened to use to blackmail them? And Vermin has a safe-deposit box? Can Vermin even spell "safe-deposit box"? Please chime in if you were able to follow this conversation at all. 

Mauro boodles off to threaten somebody or other, and Gin has a fantasy-hallucination that an amorous and gratuitously shirtless Esteban is the gym with her. "Esteban, you will be mine," she crows, looking if possible slightly more deranged than usual. It's unclear whether she wants to jump his bones or break them -- probably both, and not necessarily in that order.

Villa de Descortes

Porfirio asks to see his grandchildren, and Elvira basically tells him he can just stomp on back to the boondocks, muddy boots 'n' all. Esteban points out that "this is my house, too." (So I guess she can't throw Porfirio out, but neither can Esteban throw HER out, more's the pity.) When the children arrive, Bosco is surly as usual, Gala is cautious, and Eder is adorable. 

Porfirio: I'd like to talk to my nietos alone.

Elvira: What could you possible have to talk to them about? Tractors?

Eder: I like tractors! 

Por: Why don't you go do your nails or something.

Eder: They have radial tires!

Elvira: At least my nails don't have DIRT UNDER THEM.

Eder: I know a lot about tractors! Not that anyone ever asks me.

Elvira changes tack and starts insulting Paz, causing Esteban to defend Paz, causing Bosco to demand Esteban fire Paz, causing Esteban to refuse, causing Elvira to threaten to fire Esteban, causing Esteban to announce his resignation AND his intention to move out of the house and take the kids with him, causing Bosco to declare that he's staying with Yaya, causing Eder to whimper that he doesn't want them to be separated. 

Ginebra, who has been gleefully eavesdropping in the hall, slithers into the room. Porfirio and the children continue their conversation outside, where Gala poses a candid question: If we do build a relationship with you, how do we know you won't abandon us again? 

Porfirio walks out after a parting shot about how "not every story has a happy ending." Ha ha! He must not watch telenovelas! Don't take the address out of your GPS, dude. We know you'll be back.

The Office of Truth or Consequences

Amazingly, the entire Figueroa clan has obediently assembled in Esteban's office for tag-team group chastisement. Kenzo orders both bratzillas to apologize on camera while Filipa films and says he's going to upload the footage to Jeronimo's gaming channel. (Am I the only one who doesn't think The Momdozer is the best person for this job?) Jero goes ballistic and is informed by a marginally harder-shelled Kenzo that the subject is not up for debate. 

Esteban shows up and lights right into Jero. Kenzo steps in to defend him, Esteban tells him he's a sucky Dad and that's why his kid is such a write-off, Kenzo says he's a sucky son and that's why his Dad can't stand him, and BOOM. SMACK. POW. Batman fight! Fil steps in to break it up, much to the disappointment of bloodthirsty little Sandro, who seems to be lobbying for gladiator rules. Someone needs to take this bad seed in for a brain scan before he's big enough to handle actual weapons.

Bugtown, Act I

Los Roble are at sixes and sevens trying to flee the house with everything they need and without anyone seeing Luna. In the escalating chaos, Luna tries to run out the front door, and Paz shouts out her full name: Samara! No! This triggers a full-fledged PTSD recall of Ginebra forcing her daughter to stand under scalding water in the shower. (I would not recommend watching this scene. I did because I had to, and I only made it through by repeating "What a great little ACTRESS! And kudos to the makeup department on the FAKE BURNS!" on an endless loop.) 

Paz tearfully re-promises not to return Sam to her supposed egg donor. But where will they go? Paz says she'll call on Esteban for help. Fermin objects that "it's our dog and we'll bathe it" but loses all his metaphor points when Lupe tells him to shut up and stop acting like he's the man of the house. Paz finally confesses that she and The Don are taking a chance on love. Everybody breaks tunelessly into the Mexican equivalent of "Paz and Esteban, sittin' in a tree" -- everybody, that is, except Fermin, who looks like he just sucked a kumquat. In the background, Nandy surreptitiously phones Kenzo. 

Since there's only one entrance, they pop poor Luna out the window to hide behind the trash cans while they march out the front with Monito...only to run smack into Officer Floofy, who has finally bought a clue. 

Floofy: I am here to...um...inspect the premises.

Lupe: The PREMISES is full of COCKROACHES.

Fermin: And who do you think you are, anyways?

Floofy: I have it on good authority that two women and a guy stole a kid from a hospital.

Fermin: There may be only one hospital in Mexico City, but I'm pretty sure there's lots of women who know a guy. Do you have photographic evidence? 

Floofy: Um, no.

Paz: More to the point, do you have a search warrant? I watch tv, you know.

Floofy: Um, not exactly. But...wait...yeah, what was Doctor Monica doing here?

Paz: We're friends. And she likes tacos. Buzz off. 

Everybody: Anyway, there's COCKROACHES.

Bugtown, Act II

They no sooner get rid of Floofy when Mauro shows up with his henchbun.  

Mauro: I have it on good authority that you group are hiding my niece.

Mir: Oh yeah? You the police now, or do they just send you reports?

Everybody: There's COCKROACHES.

Monito: Hiya!

Mauro: Hey, aren't you the kid who was bunking on the bus? What's your name again?

Monito: I have a full name, which I will now recite, surprising everyone.

Paz: He's the neighbor's kid, I keep telling you. He ran away from home BECAUSE HE WAS ABUSED. [hard stare at Mauro]

Mauro: I'm going in. 

Paz: Well, there's COCKROACHES, so I'm sure you'll feel RIGHT AT HOME. [hard stare at Mireya]

Everyone but Mir piles into Fer's clown taxi, and as soon as Mauro disappears into the house, they grab Luna and take off. 

Bugtown, Act III

Mauro and Mireya trade barbs and provocations, alternating between their deep but perhaps somewhat negotiable loyalty to their families and their shallow but nevertheless irresistible attraction to each other. They work their way through all fifty shades of gray as they get closer and closer and sweatier and sweatier. 

Finally they give up the fight and give in to their passion. He bends her back and...

Okay, no. Just NO. If you two get jiggy on the cucaracha table, you CANNOT sit with me on the patio. JUST TAKE YOUR DRINKS AND GO. 

In Other News:

* Gala's dud friend gives her a hand-me-down pair of tiny jeans, which fit perfectly. I'm guessing this is bad news.

* Gin "recruits" Elvira to help her unmask Paz the Child-Trafficking Mastermind. Elvira is more than willing. Gin also tells El she's certain her own long-lost daughter is closer than she thinks, and that she'll turn out to be just as charming as her mother. Truer words never spoken, albeit unwittingly. 

* Esteban calls Paz and demands that she appear in his office to 'splain stuffs. (Wouldn't it be easier to just buttonhole her in the kitchen, where she supposedly actually works? Or maybe he needs a real, physical carpet to call people on?)

* Sam and Monito continue to have more chemistry and comic timing than the rest of the cast combined. #teamsamlunamariamonitopaco! Okay, I'll keep working on that. 

Labels: receta

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