Caray, Caray!

Studies in Obsession with Parental Identity

(Apologies for the late posting. Life got in the way.)

Diana drops the P-Bomb on Little Doormat again.

Silvia is still under Larry’s bed, but the bikini briefs have ceased to amuse. She’s getting annoyed. There’s a knock at the door and Yolanda enters. Larry’s rehearsing a slightly different calendar pose. Our Favorite Aunt tries to lure him down to dinner by telling him she’s invited Rene. I’m not sure how Rene qualifies as Larry-bait, but he doesn’t feel like it. It’s killing her, seeing him like this. That’s what he’d like, to die. We’ve heard all this before. Even Silvia’s had enough. On they go until Yolanda says “This marriage of yours was an act of madness,” at which point we get a close-up of Silvia kissing Larry’s underwear. Yolanda urges him, they almost leave, his cell phone rings. It’s Pilar. She’s back, she needs to see him.

At Casa Soriano Diana reminds us that she doesn’t want Max or Marfil finding out about her delicate condition. Gaby asks how Diana can raise a child all alone. For some reason it never occurs to her that Granny M raised two kids on her own. Maybe she’s aware that Diana’s not much smarter than she is. But I digress. Diana makes a little speech about the nobility of single mothers. Little Doormat gets misty-eyed and says she will help Diana take care of her little girl, and so will Granny M. They reprise “Don’t Tell Granny What You Know”.

At Casa Irazabal, Octavia tells Faux Marfil and Bruna they need to verify that the baby is really Max’s. Faux Marfil starts up and to be honest, kids, I just couldn’t listen. Bruna wants Diana’s address so they can pay her a visit, have a margarita, just be girls together. Okay, probably not. Octavia promises she’ll get the address that very morning.

Diana asks for the Virgin’s help. She’ll need it, because Diego just came to visit. They go over the whole proposal thing again. To her he’s like a brother. To him, she’s the woman he loves.

At Lala’s house, Gaby, Lala, Caramelo, Pancholón, and Granny Miguelina are sitting around making merry about the upcoming nuptials.

Casa Irazabal. It takes some doing but Pilar convinces Larry to meet her at an address we don’t get to hear. He hangs up and tía Yolanda asks if he was talking to Pilar. Larry admits it, and ever the boy to say too much, adds that they’ve got a date. Yolanda’s appalled and attempts to dissuade him. The Ill-Fated Boda is rehashed. Like me, Silvia’s getting antsy. Finally Yolanda tells Larry to sleep on it and they go down to dinner. Silvia, irrepressible madcap that she is, kisses Larry’s underwear again before she gleefully stuffs them in her purse.

Paola and Rene are getting ready for dinner. In other words, they’re getting their story straight. Rene is supposed to pass himself off as a straight-A undergrad. This, Paola reasons, will allay the family’s suspicions about her drug use. The fact that she thinks this will work tells us that Paola’s doing serious amounts of drugs. Enter Yolanda and Larry. Rene wastes no time telling Yolanda how beautiful she looks. Enter the Unholy Trinity, Octavia, Faux Marfil, and Bruna. Rene lays some more flattery on Octavia, kissing her hand for good measure. At the end of the line of Irazabal women, almost out of frame, Bruna shakes her head as if to say “Oh, puh-lease! Give me a freakin’ break.” Rene then steps back and remarks how beautiful all the women of the family are. Yolanda makes it clear that she really digs Rene.

Max and Emilio in a restaurant. Max is crabbing about stifled he feels in Casa Irascible. A ragamuffin with dirt makeup walks up with an armful of flowers for sale. The kid tells Max a sob story and Max gives the kid $200 without even buying anything. (Not that I blame him. Those bouquets look as if the prop manager had picked them up at Albertson’s on his way to work.) More jawing about the horrible wrong Diana did him.

We return to Casa Soriano. Close-up of the statue of the Virgin, with a votive candle burning and fresh silk flowers in the vase. Cue dramatic music. “Max will never know that I’m going to have a child by him.” Music swells. Diana sighs. That’s it. That’s the entire scene.

The close-up of Larry’s underwear tells us we are at Casa Sylvia. Camila has changed her white halter top for a black one with a tough, edgy pattern of zippers and chains. It’s not a change for the better, but still an improvement over the lime green thing that made her look like the Town Ho of Bedrock. Silvia has on a long, flame-red wig, a blue baby-doll dress, bright red stockings, and black go-go boots. Even though Camila doesn’t believe in Elsa the Mistress of the Occult Sciences, she’s peeved that Sylvia didn’t get Maxi’s underwear as well. Sylvia kisses Larry’s briefs again and rubs them against her cheek. Ooookay.

Diana at the sewing machine. The pink cammy and the pink plaid capris have been replaced. (Hmmm, my nine-year old niece had the exact same outfit, and she didn’t like it, either.) Now she’s wearing a long-sleeved red sweater and olive green hot-pants. This outfit is not cute. The doorbell rings. It’s Faux Marfil, who as also changed for the occasion. It’s a sassy, mixed-print little sundress, perfect for the beach, or pole-dancing. Faux Marfil checks out the apartment with a look of smug assurance. Diana is impactada.

Paco and Gaviota. Paco brings cups that actually contain coffee to the table. Gaviota says Granny M didn’t want to give anything up. Could she be hiding something? Paco suggests that maybe Gav is imagining it. Enter Caramelo in a sporty white tube dress. She’s ready to do some more trousseau shopping. Paco takes her out, Gaviota goes to the phone and dials.

Octavia is at her desk. She’s done filming her Charlie commercial and is ready for Studio 54. She’s now wearing a black polyester halter-top cut to the waist and sprayed with large white rhinestones. There are three spaghetti straps between her breasts that evidently serve a “lock and load” function. This flirty confection is attached to the black polyester trousers by a ring which provocatively frames her navel. Yowzah. Anyway, the phone rings. It’s Gaviota, just calling to let Octavia know she’s been thinking about her. Octavia’s cranky today. “Why are you calling me, garbage?” Gav tells Octav that she’s the one who’s garbage and there’s some rehashing of what Octavia put her through before Gaviota finally vows to destroy her. Octavia’s not impressed. She got rid of Gaviota once and she can do it again. Not this time – this time Gaviota will turn out to be more of a fiera and in the end, she’ll spit in Octavia’s face. Octavia’s still not impressed. Gaviota swears revenge one last time and hangs up. That went well. Octavia hangs up on her end, informing us that Gav can’t do a thing against her, she hasn’t got the strength or friends to help her, etc. She gets up and slithers around her desk. Octavia’s not afraid.

Back at Casa Soriano, Diana still hasn’t got over the shock of Faux Marfil standing in her humble living room. Faux Marfil is in Chihuahua mode here. She gets right to the point. She wants to know who the father is. Diana is too impactada to reply.

Yolanda comes out to the pool to catch up on her reading for the book club. They’re deep into Patterson’s When the Wind Blows. Rene is in the pool, but not for long. Out he comes to wow Yolanda in his canary-yellow swim trunks. Nothing says “Hot Beefcake” like canary-yellow swim trunks. Yolanda and Octavia are worried about Paola being a drug addict. Public Service Announcement. After telling Rene that he seems like a serious, responsible boy, she admits that she doesn’t know him well and asks if he’s a drug addict, too. Rene is impactado.

Faux Marfil is shaking Diana by the arm. Admit that Maximiliano’s the father! Diana shakes herself loose and denies it. How did Faux Marfil find out? “To defend my marriage, I’m capable of anything, even murder,” snarls Faux Marfil. Diana start up about how the baby has a father but Our Little Blonde Weasel isn’t interested. She could be Diana’s friend and ally, or her worst nightmare. Diana doesn’t get it. After an insulting preamble, Faux Marfil offers Diana money to disappear. Diana refuses. Once again she grabs Diana and demands to know the father’s name. Diana refuses and starts hustling her towards the door. They struggle, but my hopes for a cat fight are dashed. “Remember my words! I could be your worst nightmare!” Diana finally manages to throw her out.

Octavia and Max are in her office. She aks if he’s seen Diana again. Max says no. Look me in the eye, chides Mamacita. Don’t lie to me. Maximiliano tries a diversion. Why bring up memories? She doesn’t want to remind him of her, she just wants to know if he’s seen her again. Max looks her in the eye and says no. Octavia tells him she loves him and saunters to the doors. She strikes an alluring pose for him, then leaves. Max looks bewildered, as if uncertain of which subtext to give to the line: “Diana. Diana.”

Back Casa Irazabal, Rene’s lying like there’s no tomorrow. Yolanda’s buying it; she wants to believe him because he’s just so damn hot. Paola may seem worldly, Yolanda says earnestly, but really she’s just a child. Rene promises her he’ll look after Paola like his own sister. Enter the worldly child herself. She’s wearing a skankilicious leopard-print bikini. Paola and Rene invite Yolanda to put on her bikini and join them. No, no, she can’t, she says, flattered, laughing, embarrassed. Exit Yolanda. Rene says again what a babe tía Yolanda is. Paola pushes him into the pool.

Pilar is eating ice cream at a beachfront café. Larry has his Miami Vice Revival outfit on. Pilar starts right in. ‘I know why you hate me, don’t even want to see me, but I beg you to listen to me.” Pilar’s cock-and-bull story is even better than Dr. Evil’s. Kique did something to her, used some kind of witchcraft on her. He gave her a drink the day before the wedding and it did strange things to her, completely took away her will. Even Lunkhead Larry isn’t buying that. Admit that you love Kique more than me, he says. Pilar’s tearful. “I swear I love you, I can beg forgiveness on my knees” Larry responds by shedding the GTTD. (This is a midshot; no doubt the producer knows a close-up Larry with the GTTD would bear an eerie resemblance to a Keane painting, or a Precious Moments figurine.) Then he tells Pilar he’s married.

Faux Marfil enters Octavia’s office. Lady O inquires how the visit went. Faux Marfil is still in Chihuahua mode but the crack is wearing off some, thank God. She crabs about Diana’s attitude during their brief encounter. After some prompting by Octavia. Faux Marfil says she couldn’t get Diana to confess but she’s sure the baby is Max’s. She adds that Diana seems determined to keep Max from finding out. They have to keep this under wraps, it would be catastrophic if he found out, he’d divorce Marfil. What’s an Evil Sex Kitten to do? "Pay her to go away." Faux Marfil offered, but Diana refused. Octavia doesn’t like this. They have to do something, and soon, before Max finds out, otherwise…Enter Max. He’s not happy to see his bleating bride in Mamacita’s office. What’s she doing there? Close-up of Faux Marfil trying to think up a plausible excuse.

Now Gaviota pays Diana a visit. It’s just one vengeful woman after another at Casa Soriano today. They sit on the couch and Diana blends right in, like a chameleon camaflouging itself. Gaviota asks how her parents died. Well, now that Gav mentions it, she’s confused about that. (No surprises there. She’s easily confundida.) She’d been told they’d died in an accident, but about a month ago a neighbor from the barrio told her that her mother was in jail. Gaviota is impactada. Diana then asked Granny, but Granny became very nervous and denied it and said the neighbor was a gossip. Diana, however, has a feeling that the neighbor is right. Gav tells her that she needs to find out.

Back at the beach, Larry repeats that he’s married. He gives her the Reader’s Digest Condensed version, but Pilar wants details. Who’s the lucky girl? How could you do this to me? Larry’s taken aback. To you? You’ve got some nerve. Rehash of Wedding Humiliation. Pilar turn it back on him: “If you married that soon it’s because you don’t love me.” Larry begs to differ. “On the contrary, I loved you too much.” (Melancholy violin music. I note that Larry uses “quise”, giving that statement a finality that “quería” lacks.) He married out of desperation. He tried to forget her in another woman’s arms. Pilar asks if he succeeded. No, it all went badly. He couldn’t forget Pilar. She insists on knowing know who the little missus is.

We return to Octavia’s office. Faux Marfil claims she was out shopping and dropped in for a surprise visit. Lady O gives Max the afternoon off to take his wife out to a nice restaurant. What a great idea, Faux Marfil crows. Max demurs, he has too much work. Go, Octavia urges, Emilio can pick up the slack. No. Faux Marfil reprises her chicken imitation by way of protest. Max gets as annoyed as I do. “Enough! No more scenes!” Close-up of Octavia looking pensive, calculating. Close-up of Faux Marfil pouting.

At Casa Soriano, Gaviota tells Diana that they have to find out if her mother is still in jail. Diana, unsurprisingly, has no clue where to start. Somber piano music drowns out something she says about giving birth in jail. I’m just venturing a guess here, but I think she’s opposed to the idea.

Casa Irazaba, poolside. Loud music, with the band chanting “Fiera…Fiera…Fiera”. We get a midshot of Paola, probably to include maximum cleavage in that minimal bikini. The phone rings. She gets up and struts over to the table while the band sings “Fiera…They call you Fiera” I think we get it: Paola + leopard bikini = one hot fiera. It’s our old friend Pancho. They engage in witty banter charged with sexual innuendo, mostly double-entendres about bombones. They make a date to meet at 9:00 so Pancho can “eat his bombón”. Rene gets out of the pool. He’s not keen on the idea of Paola hooking up with Pancholón. Why that naco? Her answer is a salacious purr: “He’s the primitive type, and that’s verrry exciting”. Then she pushes Rene back in the pool.

The beachside café again. Larry, in answer to Pilar’s question from the previous scene, proves that he’s as much a gentleman as he is a scholar. His wife’s name doesn’t matter. Pilar, in a fine display of hypocrisy, says he doesn’t know how much it hurts to think that he gave his kisses and caresses to another woman. Once again Larry reveals that the marriage hasn’t been consummated. (Why doesn’t he just rent a billboard so everyone will know?) Pilar asks where this mujercita lives. The “marriage” only lasted two days. Exit Larry. Pilar jumps up and cries out “Larry, don’t leave!” in a distraught voice, but by the time she sits back down, her recovery from this emotional trauma is complete and she’s smiling to herself. She’ll win him back. But first she needs to find that moron he married. Things aren’t looking so good for Little Doormat.

Gaby and Diana are speculating on how Faux Marfil could have known that Diana’s embarazada. Gaby has a flash of intelligence and suggests Dr. Evil. Diana tells her about Faux Marfil’s bribe. Gaby’s moment of sagacity proves to be brief. She thinks Diana should marry Diego to give her baby a father.

Max, asleep in bed. He’s shirtless and alone. Apparently Luscious Little Bro isn’t the only one with well-rehearsed calendar poses. Max is having a nightmare about Diana, alone in a fog, with a baby in her arms. She’s having hysterics. He wakes up crying out “NO!” His shapely, heaving man-boobs glisten with sweat. Yolanda runs in, turns on the light. Max tells her about the nightmare and asks her what it could mean.

Lala’s house. Gaby has decided to pay a visit to Diego. There are no prizes for guessing why. She drops the P-Bomb on Diego, who is impactado. Commmercial.

Diego loses it. He raves on about Max. But Max doesn’t know, he’ll never find out, Gaby says. (Let’s see how many characters are in on the secret so far: Gaviota, Gaby, Diego, Faux Marfil, Bruna, Octavia, Dr. Evil, and Andrés. Max and Granny M. can’t be far behind.) Diego wants Max to do the honorable thing and take responsibility for the child. But he’s married, he’s not going to get a divorce, especially after all the lies going around about Diana. Little Doormat doesn’t want to see to her sister all alone, with a baby in her arms. (This Outcast Madonna image is becoming a recurring one) And that’s where Diego comes in. “Who, me? You want me to be responsible for this child? Nothing would make me happier, but Diana sees me as a brother, not a man.” “So convince her.” Little Doormat makes no connection between this conversation and the one she had earlier with Nancy.

Gaviota’s dressing room. Paco is sitting there as Gaviota comes in. (Do we ever get to see Gaviota perform?) She fills a shot glass with whiskey, or maybe tequila. Just because the mother of las hermanas Soriano might be in jail doesn’t mean that Gaviota is their mother, says Paco. Gav astutely observes it doesn’t mean that she’s not.

At Casa Irazabal, Max and Larry are in the bedroom. Max is wearing yet another bathrobe. He must have quite a collection. “Pilar’s a phony. She’s worthless.” He sits down next to Lil’ Abner, I mean Lil’ Bro, and the rest of the scene is in close-up. Problem is, Larry still loves Pilar. And if Diana turned out to be innocent, would Max forgive her? Dr. Evil didn’t lie. She’s got a trial pending. Neither of those women is worth anything. Larry’s confused, poor lamb. Max tells him to forget Pilar for his own good.

Faux Marfil listens at the door and thought-bubbles: “That’s what I want, Maximiliano, that you forget Diana forever.”

Diana and Gaby. Diana is not at all happy about Gaby’s well-intentioned but stupid little intrigue. Little Doormat had no right to blab her secret like that. “Were you hoping he’d marry me?” she asks. “You know I don’t love him.” Completely forgetting all her earlier promises of support, Gaby gets all moral on her. You can’t just think of yourself, you have to think of your child. It’s not fair that he doesn’t have a father. This leaves Diana impactada.

Roll Credits

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