Caray, Caray!

I want to say something to "Ret" and other people who are frustrated that they're not learning Spanish as fast as they would like: I bet you're learning way more than you think. Reading Spanish, understanding spoken Spanish, and writing/speaking Spanish are three different skills. Throw in Colloquial Spanish (like you hear in on TV) vs. the Proper Spanish (like you study in school), and there's an additional dimension of complexity.

There's lots of overlap, of course, but if this is what you're trying to do - learning all of these skills at the same time - you need to give yourself credit for making some progress on several things at once, rather than the results you'd get by focusing on just one skill at a time. For what it's worth, I'm getting a lot of mileage by concentrating on reading - it's slowly getting easier to understand spoken Spanish, too. But I still can't put a decent sentence together on my own. I'm WAY behind where I was in high school, [mumblemumble] years ago, if I want to write or speak Spanish. But I can read 10 times better now than I could then. Why? Because I've been reading the captions (not only on Univision, but also on the US shows I watch with Spanish captions).

So, approach learning any way you wish, but measure your achievement by the number of things you know - not by the things you don't know. The smarter you get, the more you'll realize how much you still have to learn, so if you worry about the stuff you haven't mastered yet, you'll go nuts. :-)

Enough lecturing! On with the recap!

Yeah, so, Lety is standing there with a bonsai tree and Fern's got a little fountain, because after a group hug, Saimon his mixed up their gifts. Saimon leaves, and Fern and Lety re-exchange their gifts. They testily question one another about their doings in San Miguel Regla and Nueva York. Naturally, both refuse to answer, and both claim that they're not asking out of jealousy. Oh, they are sooooo jealous. Fern says his friend's grandmother says that when someone gives you something, you have to take it and not be a jerk. So they go their separate ways with their gifts.

Fern kisses the bonsai tree and strokes it on his way back to his desk (he gets the captain's chair 'cuz Omar's out). He tries it out in a few different spots and begins trimming the foliage with loving care.

Lety carefully takes the little fountain and, after a few nanoseconds' thought, decides to put it on the table behind her desk where she can conveniently turn her back to it. She does so with exaggerated nonchalance.

Night falls, but quickly gets up again

Next day, Alicia tries to call Marcia, but is annoyed to hear that Marcia has checked out of her room. Alicia fears that if Marcia doesn't get back soon, she's going to lose her boyfriend, and Alicia won't be able to go to the big expo.

The cuartel comes off the elevator and Alicia takes off with her clown kit because hey, whose makeup DOESN'T already need freshening up at 8 or 9 in the morning, am I right ladies? PM tells her fellow gossips that they all need to get makeovers today, so as not to offend the tender eyes of their clients at the expo. PM admits she's hoping her new look will have Saimon at her feet.

Sara suggests asking the people who will be working with the dancers to work on them too. Irma stamps her foot and says no, Luigi would kill them if he found out.

Luigi and Aldo come in at that moment, and the cuartel pretends to be busy. Aldo mentions to Luigi that he'd like a favor, and Luigi says sure, anything. He tells Irma to join him in the studio when she's finished wasting time with the living dead. Aldo lags behind... to butter up the living dead, I guess. He offers to help them with their "problem." Irma explains the situation to him as they both head back to Luigi's.

Next off the elevator are Fern and Carloca. Hmm, what a coincidence - they just happened to arrive at the same time. Sup with that? Carloca bids the cuartel good afternoon - huh? Maybe we skipped the whole morning. Either that, or coming in five minutes later than the cuartel makes them terribly late. Anyway, Fern advises the cuartel to be a little more discreet with their persecution of him today. Grinning like children, they chorus "Sí, Don Fernando." His tie has yellow and blue stripes that match the colors in the lobby.

The Reluctant Genie

Luigi babbles a bunch of artsy-fartsy crap at Aldo to explain why he doesn't want to do the favor that Aldo has asked. "I know I said your wish was my command, but c'mon, Aladdin wasn't that mean to his genie." (Well, maybe that's because Aladdin's genie wasn't quite so rude to Aladdin's girlfriend!) "Please, what you're asking is Luigicide!" he continues.

Yes - Aldo has asked Luigi to do the makeovers for the cuartel, and the mere thought is giving Luigi the vapors. (BTW, according to Dr. Baker from Little House on the Prairie, "the vapors" was flatulence.) But, he says, he'll do what Aldo asks. He points out that this favor isn't even for Aldo - it's for those horrible magpies (urracas). Luigi says he's creative, but he's not a magician! He cries and says it will be bad for his career and his ego.

Aldo gets all touchy-feely around Luigi's shoulders. (At one point, Luigi looks at Aldo's hand on his shoulder, and reaches for it; at that exact moment, Aldo "just happens" to move his own hand to Luigi's other shoulder. Don't tell me Aldo isn't knowingly and happily exploiting the effect he has on Luigi. Not that I feel bad for Luigi. But it's not nice to do that.) Aldo says this favor will be good for the expo, which is important not only to Conceptos, but also for Aldo personally. Luigi sulks prettily, but Aldo's persuasive droning, rated-G caresses, and lightweight guilting ("if you make them happy, you'll make me happy") get the better of Luigi, and he gives in.

Aldo gives him a manly hug in thanks, which makes Luigi all shivery. I swear this is almost as romantic as the first time Fern kissed Lety. Luigi says he wants something in exchange - Aldo must be at his side at all times during this makeover. Aldo agrees, and Luigi high-fives him tenderly. You know Luigi's never going to wash that hand again.

The MLSoD is hungry and it must be fed

RoboPop goes to the batcave to do the accounting for the expo. After he closes the door, Lety sneaks another look at the inscription in Aldo's book and unhappily wishes Fern had written it instead of Aldo. She turns around and looks at the little fountain. Fern picks this perfect moment to come in with Carloca. He sneaks up behind Lety and whispers in her ear. She whirls around in surprise, nearly knocking him over. She says she likes the water because it reminds her of the sea. "The sea," she repeats, stroking Aldo's book. Yeah, right - who is she trying to convince? Hah. No one is fooled.

Fern introduces "Carla DomensaEEN." Lety prompts him, and he corrects himself without acknowledging his error. Smooth move, Ex-Lax! The women greet one another politely, and Carla admits she tried to meet Lety yesterday. Lety says she smelled Carla's nice perfume yesterday. Carla admires the fountain, and Lety says it absorbs the bad vibes. Fern looks mildly offended by this, and Carloca beams, enjoying the awkwardness.

Speaking of awkward, RoboPop pops out of the batcave like, well, not to mix metaphors too much, but like a cuckoo clock. He wants some invoices or something. He is taken aback by the sight of Fern, who bows profusely. RoboPop gives Fern a cold greeting, but is much friendlier to Carla. Fern makes a disapproving noise.

Lety asks Carla if she'd like anything, and Carla says "no, I'm fine." Lety raises her eyebrows, as if in sarcastic agreement. Carla says Fern gave her a tour of the company yesterday, and she saw the commercial, and she was really impressed by it, and especially by the use of people who aren't stereotypical models. Fern pipes up that he told her that that was Lety's idea. Carla asks how Lety came up with the idea. (Oh, Carla's being very naughty! She thinks she's going to get Lety to thinking about how ugly and unworthy she is!)

Lety says sure, they can talk about her ideas to save the company after the, hmm, how to say it (she does an imitation of Aldo)... the maneuvers Don Fernando made. ("WE made," Fern coughs.) Fern excuses himself, offers his hand to Erasmo who is still standing there admiring Carla, pretends he was only putting up his hand to smooth his hair, then gives Erasmo a goofy fist-bump on the shoulder and leaves.

Erasmo excuses himself as well, bidding Carla a needlessly fond farewell, which evokes another disapproving noise from Fern, who hasn't completely finished closing the door yet because his nosey nose is in the way. Fern leaves for real and Erasmo retires to the batcave, or the cuckoo clock, or whatever I'm calling it these days.

Alone at last, Carla wants to talk to Lety about Fern. Lety says she's not interested in talking about Fern; Carla says that's not how it looks to her - after all, Lety was the one who brought up the problems of Conceptos, to make Fern uncomfortable. Oh, touché, Miss Psychologist! Lety denies this, and says she only mentioned it because Carla had asked and she was with Fern in New York. Carla notes that Lety is well-informed, and asks if Lety investigated this, because it looked like she had a very good spy network. Lety says no, it's just that she's the president, so she knows about everything.

Carla says she's surprised by Lety's glibness. Lety says she only discusses her emotions with her friends. But if Carla really wants to talk about it, perhaps she, Carla, should tell Lety how she feels. Carloca gladly obliges. She says she respects Lety, and that she's confirmed the impression she had formed of Lety.

"As an object of ridicule, right?" Lety replies angrily. (Oh, dammit, Lety, you were doing so well!) Carla says no. "Then what's all this about respect?" Lety asks. Carla says Fern talked a lot about the marvels of Lety.

(Fern is at his desk again, staring at the bonsai plant and Lety's photo on his phone, wondering what Lety and Carloca are talking about. "I have to forget Lety!" he tells himself. Okay, so the first 4611 times he said it turned out not to be true, but perhaps the 4612th time will be the charm.)

Lety's eyelid twitches, and she asks what else Fern said about her. "Fernando told me more about you than you can imagine," Carla says. "Do you want details?" she offers.

Lety says no, they used to work together, she mostly as his protege... "and you fell in love with him," Carla finishes. Lety insists that there was only work between them, nothing else. Carla says they were a good team. Lety sadly confirms that yes, they were a good team - for work.

Carla says she's glad they had this chat, and that she now understands everything Fern said about Lety. (Lety looks confused and concerned.) They shake hands, and Carla leaves. Carla looks only slightly surprised to find Lola and Martha practically falling through the doors trying to listen. Those two pretend to brush invisible scuff-marks off the doors with their sleeves. Carla asks the rest of the cuartel where Fern is, and like a line of dancers, they point to Fern's door. "How nice you are," Carla says to them sweetly and sincerely as she leaves the Vortex. Oh wow. She really is an Aldette.

"What brutes you are, really," Alicia complains. "It's inborn," she tells them. The cuartel responds with brutish faces. "Inborn," she repeats, getting up for another round with her clown kit.

Just then, Irmita enters the Vortex with the good news that Aldo convinced Luigi to do their makeovers. They all squeal happily.

In the Rehash Room

Peeking out his own office door, Fern sees Carla approach. He hurriedly closes the door and pretends to look busy, and hums a few notes that might be the beginning of the Mundo de Fieras theme (or might not). Carla comes in and he nervously asks how her trip was. He wants to know what she and Lety talked about, too.

Carla tells Fern that he hurt Lety. She's profoundly hurt. What did he do to her? He admits that he used Lety to save his company, and along the way, he fell in love with her. But then she found out his original motive and felt betrayed. She had read this letter that was written by the stupid...

Just then, Omar comes in. He drools and babbles over Carla's beauty. Fern gets up to scold him, and Omar seizes his chance to take the big chair. Fern assures Carla that Omar's very mature, and not at all childish. They bicker competitively until Carla interrupts to introduce herself. Omar babbles some more about her beauty and Fern advises Carla not to even try to understand him. Omar keeps going, though; he says, "it's like, how can I say it..." (a la Aldo) and leans back in the chair. Fern grabs the chair right out from under Omar (I love his tie with green, blue, and white stripes; watching these guys' ties has become like a second hobby for me). He warns Omar that his techniques won't work on Carla.

Undaunted, Omar tries to make a date with Carla for this evening. She reminds him that she's going to the expo, which begins tonight. "Aw, forget about the expo, who cares about that?" replies the diligent former VP of finance. He babbles some more (Fern imitates him) and complains about Lety's "image." Curiously, Carla asks Omar what his problem is with Lety - she seems like a surprising woman. (I'm starting to really appreciate Carla, even if she is up to no good!) He says "let's just say she's not a saint of my devotion." Fern points out that he's not a saint of her devotion either - more like a demon.

I have to admit, all the fighting over the chair does brighten up the rehashing somewhat.

Later, Fern and Omar continue rehashing without Carla. Omar drools about her a little bit more and reaches to move the bonsai out of the way. Fern panics and screams at him, grabbing at the plant protectively and picking at it with the scissors. Omar is saying something about using Carla to forget about Lety. Fern's not listening. Omar wants all the juicy details. Fern tells him to calm down. Omar wants to know if it was love at first sight. Fern says please, she's a woman and you must respect her! Mumbling, he leaves the room, complaining that Omar doesn't respect the female sex.

Omar grabs the plant and the scissors and prepares to make some adjustments of his own. Fern catches him before he can do any damage.

Bad news

Aldo confirms to the cuartel that Luigi will indeed be giving them makeovers. In the salon, Luigi has donned a surgical gown, bonnet, and gloves. At his command, he and his staff put on surgical masks. He crosses himself, puts on protective dark goggles, and goes in. His staff cross themselves as well.

Luigi inspects his subjects and complains. He says he's going to show them that Dr. Frankenstein isn't just someone in a movie. Today he's going to do what Dr. F did. He'll give life to these... mercifully, Aldo interrupts. Luigi assures Aldo that he'll do as he promised. He asks Martha to smile, and says he needs to file down their teeth! Irmita asks about the protective gear, and he says he needs to shield himself from their ugliness, especially his eyes. (He's saying this lightheartedly - everyone's laughing, including Aldo.) He adds that he's also protecting himself from parasites, protozoa, rotovirus, etc. Sara starts getting offended, and Juana reminds her that they're getting free makeovers.

Luigi asks to see their hooves (pezuñas), oh all right, their claws (garras). Their hands, he finally requests. They wiggle their fingers at him. He talks about Aphrodite and Venus and says he's going to need the help of all the gods. He begs the gods' forgiveness for violating the laws of nature. You know what, this is all very cute, but I'm starting to WISH they'd run an Emagrece Slim ad at this point... I guess Aldo feels the same way, because he nicely suggests that Luigi get started. The cuartel takes their seats, the surgical team beauticians come in with their masks, and the magic begins.

(What? No product placement ads for the makeup and hair care products??)

Luigi and a female beautician step outside to sneak some kisses. Kidding! I guess they're just takin' a break. Absolutely no effort is required on his part to hear what the cuartel are saying in incredibly loud voices - they want to get Aldo a gift for convincing Luigi to give them makeovers. One of them (Juana?) says "if he did that for us, just imagine what he must have written in that book he gave to Lety." Martha suggests that they sneak into Lety's office later, when no one can see, and check it out.

Luigi's day is ruined. Not only does he now know that the book wasn't meant for him - it was meant for the PLATYPUS. He pulls off the medical garb and hurries to Aldo's office for a scolding, but Aldo's not there. He has a mini-hissy-fit and petulantly scolds Aldo's chair instead. He sits in the chair and looks at some "flavor of life" artwork on Aldo's desk. "Flavor of wretchedness," Luigi moans. "Flavor of disgrace."

You know what, Luigi, your dog's not dead, so why don't you just shut the hell up right now.

Aldo's desk phone rings, and Luigi takes a message. It's the publisher of Aldo's book. He knows the event's tonight, but there's going to be a slight delay. He knows it's a serious problem, and they're working on it. He promises that the books will arrive. After the phone call, Luigi fusses some more and decides to confirm whether what he overheard was true.

Free makeovers - you get what you pay for

In the Vortex, Alicia is answering everybody else's phones in an irritable tone. More irritable than usual, I mean. She tells one caller that the beachball (Lola?) went to the pool to give herself a bath. She tells the next caller that Martha and her witch friends are getting ready to scare people at a midnight show. She tells the third caller that the constipated giraffe (Sara) has gone to the bathroom to see what's going on there, since there's nothing going on in here.

Lety (I love that white jacket - is it just me, or is that actually not too frumpy?) and Aldo come out of Lety's office. Lety asks Alicia (who looks nice in that color, I think) where everyone is. Just then, Sara loudly announces the cuartel. Aldo hurriedly covers Lety's eyes as the newly made-over cuartel marches in. (A little less goose-steppy this time, fortunately.)

I got a "free" makeover once. I don't know if it's still the case, but you used to be able to make an appointment with the makeup ladies for the brand of your choice at the "finer department stores." The object of the "free" makeover, from the makeup lady's point of view, is of course to build rapport with you and make you feel pretty so you'll buy some products. She works on commission, and they don't pay her to stand around giving out free makeup.

My pal made an appointment for the two of us to get "makeovers" from a brand which I will call Unique. The makeup lady put foundation all over us and then drew totally new faces on us. It was both amazing and grotesque. My friend was happy with the result; I was, to put it politely, "fascinated" by it. It wasn't just any new face; it was the face of a Precious Moments figurine. As drawn by cartoonist Gahan Wilson.

When I heard that Luigi was giving makeovers to the cuartel tonight, I wondered if he would be heavy-handed like the Unique lady. Instead, he basically waved a curling iron in the cuartel's general direction and called it a day. Nice job!

The cuartel line up in the usual way to show off the fruits of Luigi's genius. They've all got new clothes, new hairstyles, and I guess the makeup is different (I don't see a big change).

Irma looks a little more elegant and her hair is down. Sara looks more girly, with curled hair, jewelry, and a pink outfit. Lola's hair is down too, which makes her look younger, and PM actually looks sluttier than before, in a new Bic Banana outfit with no blouse and they've taken out the curls and crimped her hair instead. Martha's hair is in a ponytail, which makes her face look fatter.

And Juana? She has a new purse, and that's it.

Lety tells them they're the most beautiful women on the planet. "The planet of the apes!" Alibooby retorts. Lety is surprised to hear that Luigi did all of this. (She's probably surprised because she would have expected him to do a better job.) They tell her that Aldo got him to do it. She thanks him, and they begin singing his praises (literally).

Fern and Carloca enter the Vortex. Carloca seems cheerfully perplexed. Looking suspiciously at Aldo, Fern asks what they're celebrating. They (Fern and Aldo) approach one another as Aldo tells him to ask the women. Lety and Carloca haul their men back to safety.

The cuartel explain that they're getting ready for the expo. Lety snottily tells Fern that thanks to Aldo, Luigi fixed 'em up really pretty. Aldo and Fern approach each other again and are hauled back again.

Carla diplomatically tries to break the tension (again) by introducing herself to Aldo. The two of them hit it off and elope. (Don't you wish?) They are hauled apart by Lety and Fern. I am sad.

Carla tells Fern she's going to go back to the hotel, because she's tired. She approaches him for a kiss, but Sara gets between them! She asks Fern if he likes her new 'do! (Someone bleats like a sheep - I'm not sure who!) He tells her she looks very nice, but I think she has a nauseated look on her face. Fern and Carla leave, and Carla tells the cuartel they look super-nice. "We'll leave together too," Lety hollers after them, clutching Aldo's arm possessively.

Aldo says he has to go get the books for the big event. He calls the cuartel "princesses" and they squeal at him. Gag. He kisses Lety's hand, provoking more squeals. Again, I love her jacket and I want it! Except in a color that will camouflage spaghetti sauce stains.

In the main lobby (the Vortex of Boredom?)

Yazmin is admiring her reflection in the mirror. Or perhaps she's feeling jealous of that pretty girl in the round window and plotting her death. Either way, nothing interesting ever happens in the main lobby! Fern and Carloca step off the elevator. Fern is complaining that they're not a cuartel of ladies, they're a cuartel of disrespectfuls, and they belong in, not a cage, he loves them, so maybe a fishtank(? "pecera"?). Carloca adds that they won't let her kiss him.

Carla suggests that maybe this isn't coming from them, but from "someone else." Fern says the cuartel love Lety, but they would never behave like that for her, because she's so well-behaved herself. In fact, he says, she's probably scolding them right now. Carla says that the secretaries defend Lety in every way, because Lety knows how to win people's hearts.

They agree to meet up later at the expo. Carla tries to give him a kiss. Fern's hand gets in the way.

In the exec lobby (Vortex of Stupidity)

The cuartel ask Lety if Carla's explained her strategy to keep Fernando. Lety pretends not to be interested. (Juana's now wearing a sweater, but I think that's her old sweater, not a new one from the makeover.) Lety tells them that Carla is not the woman they think she is. Well, I don't know what woman they think she is, so I'm not sure what Lety means either.) They try to coax some concern out of her, but she says that if Fern and Carla have a problem, it's their problem. The cuartel groans skeptically when Lety adds that Fern and Carla look good together. They cheer Lety and she runs back to her office.

Saimon then comes out of the turbolift and practically drops dead when he sees PM. He doesn't even notice the other women. Apparently, the no-blouse, crimped-hair does something special for him. How unusual. PM slyly asks, does he remember that calendar he got her with those colored pens? Because tonight she's got a date with a guy in green. Saimon looks sadly at his blue tie, then tells her he forgives her for that other thing. "Oh, so NOW you pardon me, huh?" PM replies. She tells him it's too late for that. Lola says the women are united. Irma takes out a pair of sunglasses and tells him they're going to the grand opening of the expo. The rest of the cuartel put on their sunglasses too. They jeer at Saimon and send him away.

In the cuckoo clock

Mom's on the phone. Lety is distracted, and RoboPop prompts her to take the call. She tells Mom that of course she and Pop are invited to the expo. With all the work she's put into preparing the moles, how can she not go? She tells mom to fix herself up and they'll all go together.

A pressing issue is on RoboPop's mind - he wants to know what happened to "the executive." Lety says she's gone back to the hotel to change. RoboPop is worried that she may not be receiving the kind of hospitality befitting of a stranger among Pueblans, or somesuch. Lety scolds him for staring at her. RoboPop angrily replies that Erasmo Padilla Galarza has never looked at any woman besides Julieta Solis for many years, since that one afternoon he met her, he's never betrayed her, not even in his thoughts, even though temptation is everywhere.

This appeases Lety, and she tells him to go home and get ready. "Me with your mother?" He asks. "No, I'm going to have you go with Carla," Lety answers sarcastically. RoboPop shakes his head. (Kids these days, I tell you what.)

More scenes in the Vortex

Lety tells the cuartel it's time to go. She asks Alicia what happened to Marcia - isn't she going to the expo? Alicia says Marcia's been on a waiting list for a flight, and she's not sure whether she caught one or not. (Are you telling me that suddenly Marcia's phone is broken? After all this time, it only just now has broken? The way she abuses phones, I figured either she'd have broken it a long time ago, or else it was made of cast iron and couldn't malfunction. Maybe her battery ran down while she was nagging Fern about something.)

Alicia fishes for an invite to the expo. Lety tells her she shouldn't go to the expo without knowing what happened to her boss. "I think you'd better wait," Lety tells Alicia. "And then you can go together!" The cuartel behaves obnoxiously, as usual. Lety leaves, and Juana asks Alicia to please take out the trash. Lola tells her to answer the phones.

After the cuartel is gone, Luigi tries to sneak into Lety's office. Alicia catches him, and he casually moves away from the door. Suddenly he exclaims, "oh! You're losing some neurons!" As Alicia looks down in alarm, Luigi steals into Lety's office.

The Monster Ladyparts Seashell of Doom Sees All

Luigi starts to sit in Lety's chair, but hops away at the last second, not wishing to catch any ugly-germs. He quickly finds the book and feels sorry for himself. "The flavor of life," he whines bitterly. "For me, it's the flavor of bile, the flavor of deception." He still holds out hope that the cuartel was joking about the dedication.

He looks inside the cover and discovers, with a sinking heart, that the only joke was on him.

---

Next week
Luigi, Fern, and Omar compete for "World's biggest fool." Who will win?
Will a fairy godmother turn the clown kit into a Technicolor stagecoach so Alicia can go to the ball?
Will Marcia ever get back to Mexico and have a catfight with Carla?
And hey, where'd Tomas go?
Find out next week on La Fea Más Bella!

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