Caray, Caray!

(Not much here but the plot, girls and boys.)

We start with a replay of Debora, feverish and delirious, babbling to Marfil. She then begs Max to save her. Diana screams and pounds on the door. She still hasn’t gotten it into her thick skull that this only annoys their captors.

TeleMiami General. Pancho’s asleep in the foreground. In the background, Lala and Paola are sitting on Granny M’s old red couch. Paola’s top is almost the identical shade of red, so she blends right in. She spiels the usual about trading Octavia’s yoke of tyranny for the yoke of wedded bliss. “If you only knew,” thought-bubbles Lala as the Orchestra of Doom gets louder and more ominous. Close-up of Pancho, still asleep.

Key West. Paco chases after Octavia. They need to talk. More “Don’t believe Gaviota’s lies.” The camera angle is awful: A three-quarter profile, angled slightly up, does not show her nose job off to advantage. Paco renews his proposal. (WTF?) Piano music. He believes in her innocence. (Well, okay, I guess Caramelo had to inherit her stupidity from someone.) Octavia is overjoyed. They kiss repeatedly as he swings her around in a circle. He sets her down and they go for a long, slow kiss. I am impactado.

Dr. Evil’s Lair. Silvia’s on the couch. The wig du jour is a black Dutch bob, probably stolen from the set of Chicago. She’s brushing out her latest acquisition, which is half black and half white. I suppose it was inevitable that she’d get her hands on a Cruella DeVil “super-peluca.” Silvia’s hoping to land a paparrico with this one. (Lotsa luck, babe.) Ignacio, for example, because he has a “muuuuuy grande…corazón.” (Somehow I don’t think it was the size of his corazón that made her swoon after seeing him in the shower.) We get a split screen midshot of Dr. Evil. “Not that ugly Silvia,” he says, making a face of disgust worthy of René. Well, there’s also that hottie Andrés. Split screen close-up of Andrés. “You’re horrible, no way,” is his response. Max is the next one to get a SSCU. He loves Diana, and no one else. Our Comic Sex Kitten moves on to Larry, “the best.” Close-up of Larry, all bed-head and bedroom eyes and nice white teeth as he laughingly says, “Only Gaby for me.” And since he never knows when to shut up, he adds that he doesn’t like bald women. Larry is followed by René, Kique, and Pancho, each of whom gets a SSCU and rejects poor Silvia. Emilio’s the last one in line, but he doesn’t get a close-up. Pobre de Emilio. Silvia remarks that he may be her cousin, but “Carne de primo también se come.” Drum roll and rim shot.

Emilio’s. Bruna, Marfil, and Dr. Evil are in the living room. Marfil dismisses Bruna and Ignacio fills her in on Debora’s condition. “Should we just let her die?” he asks. “I prefer that…” This is as far as she gets before Max walks in. He demands to know why Dr. Evil’s there.

Key West. Octavia is wading in her Bazooka pink baby-doll dress. As she comes undulating towards the shore, she thought-bubbles about her upcoming wedding and how easy it was to deceive Paco. Ah, the power of a woman's tears. Close-up as she coyly rubs her index finger under her chin, showing off her diamond bracelet. “I took him away from Fedora. He’s mine.”

Helicopter ride over a mall, possibly the same one where Debora shoved Andrés into the trunk of Ignacio’s car. (I can’t see an Office Depot sign, so I’m not sure.) This fine building houses the talent agency (?) of one Arquímedes Ribero, who is on the phone. He needs to have Sonya Smith’s contract by 4:00. Maybe they’re amending the clause that states she can only wear red, black, and white. Enter Larry, looking for an acting gig. What do you know, Ribero & Co. is in the market for studmuffins. Larry gets an audition for that very afternoon. Admin. Asst. Jackie will get him a script.

Emilio’s. Dr. Evil claims he just stopped by to check on Granny Santa’s welfare. Marfil, obviously lying, backs him up. Max tells him Granny’s back at the Mansion. Ignacio starts in on Diana, but Our Hero shuts him up and tells him to get out. Exit Dr. Evil. Max tells Marfil he’d appreciate it if she didn’t receive Ignacio anymore.

Galanes R Us. Larry runs into Kique outside Ribero’s office. “Hey, maybe I can take your part away from you, too,” sneers Kique. Larry takes the bait and threatens to break his face. Macho shoving. Kique promises to take Gaby away as well. He only used Pilar to get back at Larry. With Gaby it’s different. Dueling close-ups. Jackie returns with Larry’s script and tells Kique that Ribero’s expecting him.

Villa Vengeance. Team Gaviota is outside, speculating on what could have happened to Diana. She’s never stayed out all night before. Gaviota’s going to the police. But wait – Diego has an idea. “Do tell,” urges Little Doormat, like she doesn’t know what’s coming. “Maybe Diana’s with Max.” General protest, surprisingly logical, from Gaby, Fedora, Granny M, and Nancy. Diego stubbornly repeats his suspicions, albeit less vehemently. I am sorry that his Death by Estrambótico Snake Ritual was pure fantasy on my part.

Little House on the Beach. Debora’s unconscious. Enter Andrés, in a ski mask, accompanied by Isabel, also in a ski mask and carrying her Marcus Welby bag. Neither of them closes the door. Diana gives Andrés a shove and bolts out of the cell. She makes to the front door, but Andrés catches her before she can get out. They struggle, he decks her, she hits the floor. “Did you kill her?” Isabel asks. “No, she passed out.” Commercial.

Key West. Lady O and her knight in spotless white linen, Sir Nobrain, get married on the beach.

Aboard the Good Ship Lollipop, Caramelo sweeps the floor while Jorge dries glasses behind the bar. They discuss Pancho’s condition and Caramelo decides not to tell Papi about the bigamy just yet. She doesn’t want to spoil his vacation. Jorge says it’s a pity she was so in love that she got married. This might have given Our Good Sex Kitten a clue if he’d been able to put any subtext into the line or longing into his gaze, but no. Jorge just enjoys being goodlooking for the camera. Caramelo replies with the usual “Pancho es mío” crap.

Emilio’s. Max appears to have wandered into the wardrobe room of Bailando por la Boda de Mis Sueños: He wears a hot-pink shirt with his snug black vest and trousers. The doorbell rings. It’s Fedora/Gaviota, looking worried in her chic tomato-red dress with the silver sequin “buckle” appliqué. Max furrows his brow and tries for attractively impactado. “You?” he says uncertainly. The Synthesizer of Doom strikes ominous chords.

A nearby beach. Yolanda is walking alone. And no wonder. Her sundress has a black bodice and a big floral print skirt that was a Holiday Inn bedspread in a previous life. Somebody in Wardrobe really hates Yolanda. Our favorite Comic Studmuffin, a.k.a. René, jogs up. “¡Qué sorpresa!” They cover the usual subjects: Let’s hang out/I’m too old; news from Paola/I hope she’s happy; you look sad/life sucks, what can you do. René suggests they run up to Orlando and spend the day at Disneyworld. Yolanda laughs. They are mutually encantados.

Key West. Paco and Octavia are walking along the shore. They talk about their love being “para siempre.” Octavia cajoles him into prolonging their stay. Paco is as useless and deluded as an ear-to-ear comb-over.

Emilio’s. Max confronts Fediota about sabotaging his job with Brisas del Mar. Cue String Quartet of Doom. Fediota’s not here about that. She questions him about Diana’s disappearance. Dueling close-ups: Max, clueless, and Gaviota, coldly accusing.

Little House on the Beach. Cue Orchestra of Doom. While Andrés carries in Diana, Isabel prepares a hypodermic needle. Debora needs an injection every six hours. “Hell’s just beginning for these two,” Andrés declares. “They’re going to wish they were dead.” “Sra. Marfil’s vengeance must be ruthless,” Isabel remarks. Exeunt. Crescendo.

Emilio’s. Max tells Fediota that he knows nothing about Our Heroine’s vanishing act. She decides to believe him and asks him to let her know if he hears anything. Exit Fedora. Max looks at the camera and says, “Diana, where are you?”

TeleMiami General. Paola, in a tight, off-the-shoulder, beige knit dress, tells Pancho (who’s still asleep) that he’s coming home soon. Enter Caramelo, in another blouse-pushup bra-miniskirt combo. She sees Paola and she’s ticked. Lala looks guilt-stricken. Paola glares back at Caramelo. Orchestra of Doom. Commercial.

Little House on the Beach. Dr. Evil swaggers into the cell, gun in head. He wakes Diana, who springs up, crying. “Let us go!” He points the gun at her and she backs down. Debora needs a doctor. A nurse already gave her a shot. Our Heroine recognizes his voice; he’s trying to disguise it, but she’s heard it before. Dr. Evil threatens to kill her if she tries anything. Diana tearfully plays the Baby Card. Ignacio tells her the kid will be 20 years old before she sees him again.

Emilio’s. Bruna’s arranging calla lilies in a vase. Max gives Larry the scoop on Diana. He needs to find her. “But where, Max, where?” Good question, Larry. Max has no freakin’ idea.

TeleMiami General. Caramelo is gearing up to Fiera mode. She and Paola take turns ordering each other out. Lala begs them to take it outside. Caramelo gets Paola told: She is Pancho’s first and only legit wife. Paola is impactada.

Emilio’s. Bruna is now in the bedroom, filling Marfil in on everything she just heard. Marfil is wearing narrow black pants under an oversized blouse, cinched by a wide, Dalmatian print belt. This ensemble looks like a makeshift imitation of the hostess pajamas Joan Crawford wore in the 50’s, when her face had hardened into that wide-mouthed, thick-browed, Mommie Dearest mask. Marfil hadn’t expected Max to find out so soon, but no worries. Neither Max nor anyone else will ever hear of Diana again. In bursts Max (obviously he’s got the Conceptos listening-at-doors disease). “What do you know about Diana?!”

Hospital again. Caramelo elaborates for Paola, who refuses to believe it. Lala comes out and Caramelo pressures her to bear witness. “¡No puede ser! ¡No puede ser!” Paola sobs. She runs down the hall as fast as her tight little dress and high-heeled FM shoes will allow. It takes her a while, but she makes it to the end of the hall, where she collapses to the floor. She’s still sobbing as she fumbles for her cell phone.

Beach. René’s cell phone rings. It’s Peyote, begging him to score some drugs. He’s reluctant; not only is Bomboncito right there, but Andrés hasn’t answered his phone in two days. He finally caves, though. He’ll see what he can do. Yolanda asks if it was bad news. René makes up a vague story about a friend in a jam. He’s got to run, but it was a pleasure. Yolanda is encantada.

Emilio’s. Max is grilling Marfil. Bruna claims they only know what she’d heard earlier. Max warns Marfil that she’d better not have anything to do with Our Heroine’s disappearance. Menacing chords from the Orchestra of Doom as Marfil snippily replies that the fate of that nurse doesn’t interest her in the least. Max glares and leaves.

Little House on the Beach. Cell. Diana tells Debora that she’s doing better. Debora says Our Heroine needs to escape and get help. Cut to the outer room. Ignacio, Andrés, and Isabel are seated around the table. They’ll need to keep an eye on Diana. She’s a real fiera. One mistake and they could all end up in jail.

At this point the director has decided that it’s 1932 and he’s directing Shanghai Express. We re-enter the gauzily-lit cell through broken lattice-work. Diana and Debora gradually come into focus as we approach. Debora is still urging Diana to escape. Diana claims it will be easier if they try to escape together. Debora says Marfil Dearest wants to eliminate them. She knows that slut. She tells Diana the Real Marfil/Faux Marfil saga, leaving out the parts about Andrés. This is followed by a similarly-edited version of the Soirée of Shame.

Key West. Octavia is still at the beach. She’s on the phone with Yolanda, giving her the happy news. Yolanda is appalled. “Enough lies,” she says, “turn yourself in, 'fess up to killing Reynosa.” “Don’t be stupid,” Octavia snaps. “Fedora took everything from me, humiliated me. I took away the man she loves. She will weep tears of blood.” Another fine opportunity for a grand, melodramatic gesture wasted.

Villa Vengeance. Gaviota announces that she’s reported Diana missing. Granny M fears that she’s been kidnapped. Granny Santa has an idea. “Maybe she’s in my room, playing with my dolls!” This is Gaby’s cue to take her back to the house. No puede ser: Little Doormat’s wearing a tight mini-dress. What happened to the parochial school jumper and Mary Janes? Diego, predictably enough, asks Fedora if Diana was with Max. No. Fediota struggles to hold back the tears. She has a bad feeling about this.

Hospital. Lala sobs at Pancho’s bedside. He’s still asleep. Caramelo explains that she only did what she had to do. This is followed by the all-too-familiar verse and chorus of “He’s Mine, All Mine.” Lala’s crying because Caramelo and Paola hate each other instead of realizing that they’ve both been the victims of that scapegrace Pancholón. This is his cue to wake up. He does, and is surprised to see Wife #1 there. She notices and gets pissed off. “Were you expecting that dirt-cheap bag of bones?” she snaps. The Orchestra of Doom gets louder. Dueling close-ups of husband and wife.

Emilio’s. Larry’s rehearsing his scene. It’s a love scene, qué sorpresa. There’s a rumpus outside, then a knock at the door. It’s Paola and René. They managed to score; Peyote’s bouncing around, telling them to put on some music, let’s party, wheeee! René mugs in horror as she jumps up and down on the couch. Larry asks if she’s using again. The Orchestra of Doom answers his question.

Dr. Evil’s Lair. Camila’s on the sofa, looking as skankilicious as ever. The doorbell rings. It’s Max, demanding to know where Ignacio is. Camila has no idea. Why don’t they jump into bed? Enter Dr. Evil. Now it’s his turn to throw Max out. Our Hero grabs him by the shirt. Where’s Diana? He threatens to kill Ignacio. Round-robin of close-ups. Camila is impactada. Max has a brain-fart. Dr. Evil is apprehensive. Commercial.

Still at Dr. Evil’s Lair. Max continues his threats. Camila hopes that Diana was eaten by sharks, or abducted by aliens. Max tells her to keep her trap shut. After all, he can only concentrate on one thing at a time. (And sometimes not even that.) He turns back to Dr. Evil and vows that if Ignacio had anything to do with Our Heroine’s disappearance, he won’t live long enough to regret it. Exit Max. Enter Silvia. Was that Max she heard? Camila asks Dr. Evil if he’s involved in Diana’s misfortune. Of course not. Either way, she and Silvia are quite happy to have Diana out of the way.

Emilio’s. Peyote is still high on God knows what. Larry’s mad. Enter Yolanda and Bruna. Strike up the Orchestra of Doom. Paola goes from party animal to screaming, crying mess in about three seconds. She runs out of the apartment, followed by René. Bruna asks if Paola’s drunk. “No,” Yolanda answers darkly. “Something worse.” She tells Larry his sister will come to a bad end. Crescendo from the Orchestra of Doom.

Villa Vengeance. Team Gaviota continues to speculate, but no one says anything new or interesting.

Little House on the Beach. Debora needs another shot. Diana does her usual bang-the-door-and-scream number. Andrés opens the little window and says, “Tough luck. She can die for all I care.” Debora turns weakly to Our Heroine. “They’re letting us die slowly, by my sister’s orders. Try to escape.” Yeah, don’t just sit there looking impactada. Go, Lassie, get help!

Roll credits.

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