Caray, Caray!

Today's episode began with the slap heard 'round the world, as Diego hits Diana following a fight about spending the day in the hospital with Max. Yesterday's re-cap should have the gory details, but it's the usual. Diego grousing about Diana still loving Max, the true father of her child.

Octopus and Bruno are discussing Bruno's daughter blinding Max. Bruno denies her daughter could do such a thing. Octopus points out "Marfil" hasn't been the same since she came out of the coma. It's as if she's another person. Bruno wants to know if "Marfil" has been arrested, to which Octopus replies "No, she escaped!" Bruno is sad her daughter is going to have to hide for the rest of her life. Octopus replies "She deserves it after blinding my son!" Octopus leaves, and a clearly deranged Bruno starts looking for Debora under pillows, behind the sofa, etc. Bruno's evil ways have obviously caused her to go mad.

Dreary Diego and Dimwit are still fighting. She says she's not going to endure his hitting her again. More fighting about Max until she walks up the stairs and leaves him sitting at the foot of the stairs saying he'll never let her go. Never! The Orchestra of Doom plays.

Doc Evil is on the phone saying he's going to appeal their decision to yank his license. There's a knock on the door. When he opens it, there's a nun wearing a habit and dark sunglasses standing there. Who could it be? Obviously Iggy doesn't recognize her. Marfil says she's there to ask for a donation for the poor children. When Doc Evil says he's not interested, she pulls a gun. While Iggy is standing there impactado, Andres comes up from behind and puts a choke hold on him. Marfil then whips off her glasses to reveal her identity. Ignacio is double impactado! Andres and Marfil want to know where Debora is lurking.

Little Doormat as at the office wearing her 1970's Gunny Sax top, when Beatriz shows in Kike. Kike zooms in for a kiss, but Little Doormat turns her head. Kike is clearly confused with her change of enthusiasm. Gaby confronts him about his little partnership with Pillow. Kike naturally denies he had anything to do with it.

Doc Evil is pleading and groveling for his life. Doc Evil finally blurts out where Debora is; he's certainly not going to give up his life on her behalf. "She's at the cabana." Andres wants to know where the keys are. He keeps slapping Doc Evil up-side the head until Iggy tells him where the keys are. Andres find the keys and gags Iggy and actually knocks him out with a clearly fake punch. Before Iggy is gagged, however, he tries to point out he and Andres have been friends for year. Andres, who isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer to begin with, luckily hasn't forgotten that Iggy shot him in the selva. Sister Marfil wants them to leave before someone arrives.

Camila and Sylvie, with some sort of fuchsia wig that looks like cotton candy with radiation poisoning, have come to pay Maxi Maxi a visit. Of course Sylvie has her foot in her mouth the entire time. Max wants Camila to call Diana. Like THAT'S going to happen! Anyway, Sylvie points out that everything is Dimwit Diana's fault; she brings bad luck to all the guys who cross her path. Look at her invalid husband! Camila tries to get Sylvie to cease and desist, but it's useless. Sylvie, as usual, is on a clueless roll. At the end of the scene you see Max, whose eyes and half his head are wrapped up in a cocoon of gauze, working his jaw but no sound is coming out. He is clearly speechless.

Andres and Sister Marfil have arrived at the "cabana," the same place Debora, Dimwit and Marfil were held captive at one time. Andres is carrying two large containers of gasoline. Sister Marfil says it doesn't appear Debora is there, but Andres says perhaps she's in the other room. Andres begins sprinkling gasoline around the kitchen area. Marfil goes into the bedroom area where Debora is sleeping. Marfil watches as Andres continues pouring gasoline everywhere. They make a ton of noise but apparently Debora sleeps through it. When all is done, Marfil wakes Debora up. "Who are you?" asks Debora. Marfil whips off her Paris-Hilton-sized sunglasses and Debora is impactada! "What are you doing here?" Andres then appears. Double whammy for our Little Blonde Weasel. "Why are you two together?" Andres points out he and Marfil have united for a common cause. At this point Debora finally notes the smell of gasoline. She's obviously taken a Larry pill. Andres gleefully pulls out a match as Debora becomes muchisima impactada!

Camila is at Max's hospital bedside. She is dedicating herself body and soul (emphasis on body) to Max. She reminds him Diana is a married woman and won't be able to devote herself to Max as much as she can. She then climbs into his hospital bed wearing her little cheerleading outfit (or what looks like a cheerleading outfit to me). As she's kissing our blinded victim, who should appear in the doorway but our Dimwitted Heroine. Glassy stare, head tilt, big sigh! Commercial.

Diana leaves. Max then rebuffs Camila, but Camila says she's not going anywhere. She then rests her head on his blinded eye, which of course is bandaged, and smiles. I'm sure Camila would have a bigger smile if she knew Diana just saw them together. Diana is dressed in a white shirt with that favorite wide red cummerbund of Fidiota's. She has tears in her eyes. "Why did Max tell me he loved me, when he's shacked up with Camila?" Pobre de Dimwit. Yolanda appears and wants to know what's going on. "Are you here to see my nephew?" Dimwit wipes her eyes and says she has to leave for a meeting at Perfumes 'R Us.

Andres has the match lit. Marfil snickers. They then start this long drawn-out deal threatening Debora with death and Debora trying to talk them out of it. Andres goes through countless matches. He keeps blowing them out and lighting new ones. At this point, I've lost interest. Debora has turned into Chihuahua on Caffeine mode with the shakes. By this point they've pretty much lost all credibility in my book.

Sylvie walks in on Doc Evil, who is still bound and gagged. You can only imagine what's going through her mind. "Wow! You look like you're playing Cowboy! I don't want to interrupt you and your little friend's game." Iggy is grunting through his gag, but Sylvie just doesn't get it. We are treated to a comic routine while Sylvie is trying to figure out why our Evil friend is bound and gagged. Finally, she "gets it" and unties him. Of course she's totally flustered at this point. Iggy calls her an imbecile for her efforts.

Yolanda wants to talk to her nephew alone. Camila leaves and Yolanda tells Max she saw Dimwit outside his room. She was in a hurry and she was crying. Max concludes Diana must have seen him kissing Camila. Anyway, boring small talk between Max and Big Doormat. Doc Quintana, the only doc left in Miami now that Doc Evil has lost his license to practice medicine, comes in to check on his patient. Max wants to go home. DoQ doesn't want to release him until they know what type of acid was thrown in his eyes. There are extensive lesions on his corneas, but they can't affect a cure until they know what type of chemical they are dealing with.

Back at Emili-Oh's Shelter for Wayward Souls, Larry is pouring out his soul to Rene. Rene is surprised Pillow went so far as to falsely accuse Little Doormat of pushing her. Lifeless Larry can't believe he took Pillow's word over Gaby's. Gaby will never forgive him after he doubted her. Of course that's after she doubted his story about him being in jail on their wedding day. What a pair of saps.

Andres is on his 100^th match. More threats. Finally he drops the match and we see a perfectly straight line of flames. Kind of like in my gas fireplace. Marfil and Debora are now arguing. "If I die, you're going to die with me!" They are more concerned with squabbling than trying to get out of the "burning" room. They launch themselves at one another and start rolling on the ground, biting, pinching, pulling, etc. Andres is standing at the door trying to get Marfil to leave, but apparently Marfil is more interested in a wrestling match with Debora. Commercial.

Andres pulls Debora off Marfil and punches Debora, knocking her out cold (irony intended). Marfil stands choking at the door, but Andres picks up Debora and gently lays her on the bed. He tells her to "die for always, dear Debora. I still love you." He kisses her and leaves the room. Marfil throws in an "Until never" for good measure. Andres lights another match and sets the kitchen ablaze with another row of flames. It's not looking good for our Little Blonde Soon-to-be-Crispy Weasel.

"Sexual fantasy? What sexual fantasy?" screams Doc Evil at a flustered Sylvie. She's got a black velvet top and a fuchsia with black skirt to match her fuchsia Tina-Turner-style wig. Black velvet. In Miami. In summer. Sylvie thinks they were robbed. "Did they steal my wigs?" Sylvie is frantic. I'm glad someone has her priorities straight.

Camila and Gaby are chatting in Diana's office when Diana walks in. She starts asking for some reports and wants to know about the sales figures. Camila wants to know why Diana looks so sad. Diana tells them her tale of sorrow. She went to see Max but Camila was kissing him. Gaby wants to know if Max knew Diana was there. "No," says our forlorn heroine. More talk about Pobre de Max.

Debora wakes up and starts screaming "Help me!" She's screaming and begging to be saved in front of the little gas fireplace log. She lets out a piercing wail…

…and suddenly Max bolts upright in bed saying who's shouting? Yolanda doesn't know what the heck he's talking about. He said he dreamed someone was being burned alive in front of him. It seemed like Marfil, but it wasn't Marfil." Yolanda says it was just a nightmare. "But it seemed so real! It's as if she was right in front of me! She was dying!" Yolanda tries to calm him down. Commercial.

Sandy and Peyote are having a BFF chat on the patio. Sandy can't fathom how Peyote could possibly be happy in such a humble home. Peyote says it may be small, but there's so much warmth. Warmth that was totally lacking at Psycho Mansion. She's learned to cook, iron, do laundry, etc., and Lala is like the sun. She finally feels she's really living! She apparently leaves out the part about needing drugs to cure her misery. Sandy is amazed at her long-time friend's outlook, but something just doesn't seem right. Peyote admits it's not quite what she had hoped for, but it's better than her life before Pancho. Sandy then drops the bomb, "I never would have thought you could be happy knowing your husband is married to another woman!" Way to go, Subtle Sandy.

Pancho is at Psycho Mansion trying to rile up Diablo. He needs to show Dimwit who wears the pants in the family. Yada, yada, yada. Fidiota appears at the top of the stairs calling for Lala in a slurred voice. Pancho whispers to Diablo that Fidiota sounds drunk. Diablo says she sure is. She's been that way since Paco married Octopus. Right about this moment, Lala and Nancy appear. They are talking about the robbers in the hood. Nancy is scared. Fidiota sends Lala up to check on the baby. More discussions about the robberies and how she wants a gun in every room. She'll have to tell Emili-Oh to get her some. Now maybe I'm the only one, but I'm betting she's safe since Pancho is probably involved some how. I doubt he'd want to rob from his wife who lives there. Pancho smirks, knowingly.

Sandy is still giving Peyote a pep talk about Pancho. Peyote is young and pretty (we hear this expression a lot on telenovelas) and doesn't deserve a pendejo such as Pancho. Peyote tries to blame Caramel, but Sandy says Caramel is a victim as well. She then starts in with the PSA about drug usage and how Sandy is afraid Peyote is going to come to a bad end. The Orchestra of Doom strikes a single chord.

Perfumes 'R Us. Dimwit is flashing back to the kiss between Camila and Maxi-Moron. Emili-Oh enters to advise Dimwit that Fidiota just asked him to buy 6 guns, because there were some assaults in the 'hood. Fidiota wants a gun in each bedroom so they can defend themselves. Little Doormat (who just entered the office) isn't happy with the idea, but instead of us getting to listen to a PSA about gun safety, Dimwit sends Emili-Oh off to by guns. If Fidiota wants to stockpile weapons of mass destruction, then by all means do what our drunken warbler wants! Emil-Oh leaves and Gaby voices her objections. "Don't worry," says Dimwit. "Nothing is going to happen."

Andres and Marfil appear at Isabel's house. They fill her in about Debora's demise. Tia is skeptical, since Debora seems to be immortal. "No one is immortal!" states Marfil happily. Tia is concerned about Doc Evil's reaction. Andres' isn't worried now that Andres and Marfil have united. When Doc Evil finds Debora's ashes, Doc Evil will be quaking in his boots. Tia smiles. Commercial.

Isabel, Andres, and Marfil are sitting around having a spot of tea. Marfil is waxing poetic about her life with Max before Debora ruined everything. Apparently Bruno's name has been moved to the top of Marfil's hit list. Isabel thinks to herself that Marfil has no idea Bruno is her mom. Suspenseful music plays in the background.

Perfumes 'R Us. Dimwit is in her office when the phone rings. It's the Big Doormat, but Max wants to speak with her. Diana tries to make an excuse, but Maxi-Moron gets on the phone and does this verbal tap dance. He suspects Diana saw Camila kissing him. Diana tries to deny it, but Max reminds her Yolanda saw what happened. Max then starts groveling about how much he needs her, only she can keep him calm in his devastating condition. . .their love theme starts playing. Dimwit agrees to come see him again.

Caramel is walking through the parking lot in her low-slung pink micro mini, with the Blouse of Virtue covering her halter (or possibly her bra) underneath. She is walking by a Dodge Neon that has a bumper sticker that reads "Jesus is the Reason for the Season." Who should she run into but Pancho. "What are you doing here?" He's come to lay into Dimwit for visiting Max in the hospital and making a joke out of Diablo. Caramel sticks up for Dimwit. The more agitated Pancho gets, the more Caramel starts flirting with him. Finally she grabs him and they start kissing. The camera pans back from this happy reunion, only to show Peyote standing there impactada! Pobre de Peyote! "Got drugs?"

Credits roll!

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