Caray, Caray!

Back in the 90s, when Melrose Place terrorized the airwaves, there was a recap site called Melrose Space. This was my introduction to the art of snarky recapping, long before I ever suspected that I would someday be involved in such a thing myself.

The recaps made frequent reference to "Melrose Mints," aka TUMS, which were often needed to deal with melodrama-induced queasiness. In this case, however, it's the people of Serdán who'll be needing the mints. And some morphine - lots of it. And maybe some hemlock.

Gabi is nearly peeing herself with excitement over the big ring that Benito put on Sarita's finger. Jimena unenthusiastically offers her right hand to Octavio, who puts his ring on her middle finger. Gabi proudly announces that the wedding will take place within a month, and everybody's invited! The four happy lovers look as though they have each been hit in the head with a baseball bat.

Father Tadeo arrives discreetly, just in time to hear the announcement. It's obvious that both the party and the double-engagement have taken him by surprise, but he crosses himself politely. He asks Eva if she knows where Sofía and Juan are. Before she can answer, Raquel rushes over to greet him. She says she thought he was out of town since he wasn't there.

Embarrassed, Gabi bustles over to apologize and explain that her head was so full of things, she forgot to invite him. Tadeo doesn't even blink at this blatant lie. Raquel ushers him to her table, telling him she wants him to perform the ceremony. Gabi graciously offers him her seat.

In the pueblo, Oscar helps Quintina (wearing a costume of her own - bomber jacket, helmet, and goggles) load bread onto Hortensia's truck so that she and Grandpa can make some deliveries. (How do the Reyes usually deliver their bread?) Moments after she peels out of there, Franco arrives. Oscar reports Jimena's bafflingly bad reaction to his offer of the ring. Franco then reports Rosario's unexpected disappearance, so soon after asking for his help.

"I don't understand women," Franco says. Oscar says it's hormone-induced caprice, and says hopefully Juan will be happy.

Juan and Sofía are eating at what looks to be very out-of-the-way picnic lunch stand. Juan asks their hostess if there's a place they can stay; she says there's nothing like that around there.

Rosario is reunited with Luis at the hotel in Cuetzalán. He nods and grins when she asks if he's okay. Feo asks where Petra (his crazy caretaker) is. The boy says she left. Feo reminds Rosario that he did what he said he would - let her be with her son - and says someone will bring them something to eat and not to leave the room. Rosario says it doesn't matter if she's locked up, as long as she can be with her child. Feo leaves, and Rosario tells Luis she hopes they can escape to some place where no one ever finds them.

(It occurs to me that Feo might not even realize the boy's his.)

Back at the party, Tadeo takes Gabi aside and asks, "when are you going to learn that unions should be given for love? You can't marry your daughters with whomever you want unless they are in agreement. Do you want to repeat Sofía's experience?" Gabi replies that Sofía is unhappy because of love, and she blames Tadeo for encouraging her defiance.

Tadeo says "it seems you still have no fear of God." She says he's the last person who should judge her actions since he hasn't done anything to convince her father to come back to the hacienda, like he's so content to be living with those bricklayers. And if anything bad happens to her father (she interrupts herself to slap on a big fake smile and a giggle and wave at some people), she'll hold Tadeo responsible for that too.

Phew. Is anybody reaching for their "mints" yet? Pace yourselves.

Grandpa and Quintina pull up in front of a picnic lunch stand (not the one that Sofía and Juan were at) and Quintina gives them a basket of of bread. Not too far away, Feo, who seems to have encountered them by pure chance, gloats to himself about the lucky opportunity fate has presented him.

Eva finally gets back to Tadeo and says Gabi thinks Sofi is out with Feo, but Eva's pretty sure she's with Juan. The padre says it's a touchy situation and the only reason he's not too worried is because Sofi's out of danger while he's still trying to get her that annulment from Fernando. (He practically growls the name.)

Quintina and Grandpa have stopped at the convent; the truck is empty. I guess they've been invited inside for tea. Feo loosens the one of the tires and cuts the brake line, then takes off to the hacienda, where the engagement party is still in progress.

Gabi chides him gently for being late and asks where he and Sofía were. "Sofía? She wasn't with me." Does Gabriela worry? No, she guesses that she's making mischief with Grandpa. Feo thought-bubbles that she's not with Grandpa unless she's at the convent.

"Poor Don Agustín," Feo continues thought-bubbling to himself with a sardonic grin, "I'm sure he's already in a better place."

Not yet. Grandpa's commenting to Quintina how on glad the nuns at the convent were for the bread they brought them. Quintina remarks that the road is awful, full of curves/bumps/something (I can't find a road-related translation for "bancadas"). Grandpa says she's a good driver, but be careful anyway just in case of a bad curve. Quintina suddenly realizes she can't slow down - the brake's not working. As the car begins to swerve uncontrollably on the wobbly tire, only now does she realize they're not wearing their seatbelts. (Since a car crash killed his wife and cost him the use of his legs, I find it hard to believe that Grandpa would forget to buckle up.)

Suddenly, the truck flips - I'm not sure how. It turns all the way over, bouncing off the flawlessly paved road, and comes to rest right-side up. Grandpa is banged-up, bleeding, and not entirely conscious, but at least he's breathing. Quintina is in better shape, and tells him to hang in there while she goes for help.

Night falls. Ah-ooooooooo! It's a full moon! Juan and Sofía are camped out near the waterfall; she assures him she's okay with sleeping on the ground, as long as she's with him. Then, suddenly, she gets a bad feeling - she thinks something has happened. (Sure it did, but it must have been at least an hour ago since the sun was still up.) Juan is sure nothing happened, and the feeling was just that - a feeling. They need to go to sleep so they can leave early tomorrow. She doesn't seem so sure, but he holds her, and she says she loves him more than anything else in the world.

Oscar meets with Fr. Tadeo, still upset that Jimena didn't explain why she dumped him. He wants to confront her. Tadeo asks if he's willing to confront her mother. Oscar says he respects mothers, then babbles the blessedness of motherhood, and somehow gets on the subject of Mary Magdalene (I think this has something to do with his conversation with Franco about Rosario a few weeks ago).

Tadeo loses his temper and asks what does any of this have to do with the subject at hand?! "It's unbelievable, all the nonsense I have to listen to! Where'd you get the idea that Mary Magdalene had children? Be careful when discussing sacred religious matters that deserve respect! If you don't know what you're talking about, better not talk!" Oscar apologizes.

The party's still happening. Octavio and Jimena have slipped away for a hot makeout session... she has reversed his gayness! Eh - no, actually he's just told her that he's no more interested in marrying her than she is in marrying him. He says she'd be the woman of any man's dreams, but not his. This is a huge relief to Jimena. Her relief is a big relief to him! He suggests they make a pact: they'll pretend to go along with the relationship, but when nobody's watching they can do whatever they want.

Sarita and Benito have also slipped away for some hot non-makeout. Sarita says she doesn't love him. "I don't love you either," Benito says casually. "I like you, but I don't love you." He gave her the ring for the same reason she took it - his aunt and her mother made them do it. He asks if she's ever been in love. She says yes, but it went very badly; so badly she doesn't believe in love. He says he does believe in love - love he has for a woman who isn't Sarita. She chuckles reassuringly.

In the Reyes kitchen, Franco and Oscar are wearing pretty aprons and cooking dinner. Franco sings that he doesn't care if someone doesn't love him. Oscar scowls and tells him to shut up; he's like the dog with two sandwiches. (Also known as the dog with the bone who saw his reflection in the water and thought it was another dog with a bone; he opened his mouth to take the other bone, dropped his own into the lake, and was left with nothing.) Franco teases Oscar about being without his love and her money. Then Quintina staggers in, crying about the accident and says they need to go back there right away.

At the party, Feo tells Crabi he's going to go looking for Sofía - he thinks she might have gone back to the convent. Before he can leave, however, Raquel demands that he dance with her. She hands Gabi her wine glass and whisks Feo away. Gabi stares at them, miffed, holding a wine glass in each hand. Feo looks at her helplessly. (It's not often that we get to see his flair for comedy!)

Juan and Sofía haven't gone to sleep yet. He's telling her he's going to work really hard so that he can give her all the amenities she's used to. She says those things don't matter to her - what good are they if she's not happy? Living in a golden cage? He's already given her back her will to live and made her feel true love. "I'm yours forever." Then they catch full moon fever.

Fr. Tadeo has returned to the party. (I think the scene between him and Oscar was edited out of sequence; Oscar was even wearing a different shirt.) He wants to know why Jimena isn't marrying Oscar. She says she found out in time that he's a bad man, and she deserves someone better. Tadeo asks, what did Oscar do to her? She says he showed her who he really is - "someone very different than you and I think."

A mariachi band begins to play. Jimena marches right up to them and begins to sing somewhat off-key. Mortified, Gabi protests; Raquel says "aw, let her sing, Gabriela! Don't you see how happy she is about her engagement?" Feo agrees. Crabi pats his hand, gives him a gooey look, and says "only because you ask." She sits down with much too big of a grin; but the grin fades quickly as Jimena goes on singing about being really drunk.

Grandpa, Quintina, Dimples (Oscar), and Fuzzy (Franco) are at the dispensario. The good doctor is there; Grandpa's somewhat delirious and keeps saying "Gomez no, Gomez no." Quintina tries to reassure him. The good doctor says his name is Mondragón. Dimples tells Quintina he's going to recover. She's crying and saying she was driving well, very calmly, and she doesn't understand what happened to the truck; the brakes failed. Fuzzy says the truck was very old and that's why it gave out.

Oscar tells Franco they need to inform the family. Quintina begs Grandpa to get better. Hortensia shows up and is glad to see Quintina safe and sound. Quintina points out that Grandpa's not doing as well, and "worst of all," Hortensia's truck is totalled.

Still not asleep yet, Sofía worries to Juan that it might be difficult for them to go back someday. Juan assures her that it will happen. She doesn't think her mother will forgive her. Juan says, "why think about that? Instead think of how I love you with all my soul."

Jimena has moved on to another song with the mariachis - this one's about making the same mistakes year after year, drinking again with strangers and crying over the same pains. She is finally silenced by the arrival of Dimples and Fuzzy. Gabi FREAKS and screams at them: how dare they interrupt their private party? They tell her that Grandpa had an accident.

Most of the onlookers seem horrified; Gabi merely looks thoughtful. "Is he dead?" Feo asks hopefully. "No, he's alive," Oscar says, giving him a hard look. (Do you think he suspects?) Fr. Tadeo sighs with relief. Feo smiles with angelic relief. (Oscar stares even harder at him.)

Later, at the clinic, Sarita is telling Jimena that the accident is very suspicious - she thinks "they" (the brothers) caused it. "They want to hurt us!" Jimena says Sarita's so obsessed with this idea, she can't see past her own nose; take into account that they're the ones who rescued him. I think Sarita believes that's all part of their cunning plan, but Jimena cuts her off - sure they're a couple of shameless traitors, but that's a far cry from wanting to hurt their grandfather.

"You're going to pay," is all Gabi has to say for herself as she and Feo enter Grandpa's room. "I'm going to sue you all!"

I'm sorry. I have to take a break. I am laughing too hard to go on. How Diana Bracho can play this character without convulsing in laughter with each new ludicrous outburst, I cannot imagine. She must keep a thumbtack in her shoe or something.

Ahem. I'm back. The brothers, Quintina, and Dr. Mondragón just stare at each other, bemused. Oscar says "do whatever you want, ma'am." Enraged, Crabi tells them to get out. "You have no right to be here." The doctor says she can't kick them out if Grandpa wants them there.

"I just knew something was going to happen, but nobody paid me any mind."

Feo, always so interested in others, asks Dimples and Fuzzy where Juan is. "Leave my brother alone and worry about Don Agustín," Franco says. Oscar tells him it's best he not ask questions to which he wouldn't like the answers.

Sofía wakes with a start. She's had a nightmare that something awful happened to her grandfather. Juan urges her to go back to sleep.

Oscar tells Jimena he knows it's not a good time, but he deserves an explanation. She refuses to give any specifics other than to call him a malhecho. "Me? A mal hecho?" He reminds her that she was dancing, singing, hugging that guy and now look, she's wearing an engagement ring! She betrayed him! She played with his feelings!

All she can say to this is that he's the one who played with her feelings. She tells him to leave her in peace. "Fickle chick," he mutters.

Franco tries to make nice with Sarita, saying he's worried about Grandpa. She says she's convinced the brothers are trying to hurt her family. He says they love her grandfather and would never hurt him. She says they came to the hacienda with bad intentions. She's going to prove it! "So you're still upset about Rosario?" Franco unwisely asks. She scoffs, shows Franco her ring, and brags about Benito, "someone of my class." (Where'd I put my Melrose Mints?) Franco says great, if that's what makes you happy, then I'm happy for you. And Rosario's left town, and we don't know when she's coming back.

I'm not sure why he told her that, but it seems to have an effect - for a split-second. Then she tosses her head at him and leaves.

Eva finds Oscar and tells him they need to find Sofía and tell her about Grandpa. If he gets worse, Sofía would never forgive Eva for not letting her know. Oscar says the doctor told them he's going to get well. Eva is relieved, but still thinks Sofía should be informed so that she can decide what to do.

With all the nice people outside, Gabi and Feo are alone with Grandpa. "You deserve it," Gabi is thought-bubbling to him. "You provoked all of this. You deserve what happened to you."

Feo gently holds Grandpa's hand and does his innocent puppydog expression, thought-bubbling "Hopefully you'll die - that would solve all my problems."

Oscar and Franco wonder where Juan is. Oscar says Juan likes the mountain trail; if they went there and stopped to rest, he and Franco can find them before dawn.

I guess that worked. It's the next day and they're all talking. Sofía wants to go back and be at Grandpa's side. Juan says they all love her grandfather, but the doctor said he's going to recover. Oscar agrees, he'll be fine. Juan says if they go back now, it's going to be very difficult to leave again. Oscar suggests that they just let him know where they're going, and he'll keep them informed.

This isn't good enough; Sofía demands to go back. Juan says he wants what she wants, and if going back will make her feel better, they'll go back, and figure out later how to get away again. Sofía says no, they have to accept that fate is against them, it's proof that their love is impossible. They'll NEVER be free to be together; NEVER. The sooner they accept reality, the better. "You're free, Juan. I give back your promise to love me forever. You're free." Finally he lets go of her hand.

(MINTS! I need my damn MINTS!!)

Finally... the long-awaited return of the Padre's donkey! I wonder where he's been all these weeks. Vacation? Retreat? Seminar? Jail? Espionage? Romance? We shall never know, for he is a donkey of deep secrets.

Grandpa is stirring, just in time for Sofía's arrival. "What are you doing here?" he asks. She says she came back for him. "You shouldn't have done that, it's a mistake, put your love first, you have to leave and be happy! You should go back before your mother sees you. Go, there's still time." She says it's too late. He says "It's never too late. Trust in your love. Go. I know what I'm talking about! Please!"

She refuses and insists it's too late. But she's glad he's okay.

She gets home with a "where's my Melrose Mints?" look on her face. She turns back towards the door, and for a moment I think she's going to flee; but instead she closes the doors and bars them.

Feo is glad to see her. "Where were you? Who'd you spend the night with?" She says she's not going to tell him anything, he can think whatever he wants. He shakes her and says he's her husband and she has to answer him. He is about to bitch-slap her all the way to Telemundo when Sarita, Jimena, and Eva show up and pull them apart. He has the nerve to shout that it's his right. "Right to what, kill me?" Sofía challenges.

"That's what I should do - kill you! You're a tramp!" And this time he does hit her, in front of three witnesses. He also shoves Sarita and Eva.

Gabi appears at the top of the stairs. "Enough," she says without a great deal of emotion. "I only want her to tell me where she spent the night!" Gabi sends Sofi to her room. Sofi stares at her, disbelieving. "Now!" Feonando tries to get in her way. Gabi calls him off.

Sofi leaves. Gabi tells him there will be time to talk to her later. He says that if she doesn't tell him where she was, he could...

She cuts him off and shakes her head. He looks at Sarita, Jimena, and Eva, huddled together protectively, and leaves the house.

Now Gabi wants them to tell her where Sofía was. They don't say a word. (The nice thing is that technically, they don't know where she went.)

Grandpa wakes to the sound of jingle-spurs. He tells Juan to kidnap Sofía if necessary, but get her out of there. "Do it." Juan says he can't; it's all over. She'll never have the nerve to leave her family. She'd never leave all this for him; and when that damn cottage is finished, they (the brothers) will leave the hacienda.

Now there's a weird-colored scene of the guys at the cottage. It takes a minute to figure out, but the red edges around the picture signal a montage:

• The brothers return to work.
• Jimena is kissing Grandpa goodbye at the dispensario and ignoring Oscar.
• Sarita looks happy when she hears Franco sneak up behind her, but then gives him the cold shoulder.
• Juan is planing a piece of wood.
• Sofía is looking out the window.
• Grandpa is coming home from the hospital.
• The brothers are painting the cottage red.
• The sisters come out on the balcony; the brothers see them and pause in their work. They stare at one another miserably.

Now we're out of the montage; no idea how much time has passed. Sofía, the woman who once left a broken teacup and spilt tea overnight for the maid, is preparing to sew a button onto a blouse.

Suddenly, she gets very, very queasy. She nearly collapses over her bell collection, but makes it to the bathroom just in time.

Crabi pays our construction workers a visit to gloat that they've finally finished that damn cottage. Juan is just as glad as she is, and proudly offers her a tour. "No, as far as I'm concerned it can fall apart tomorrow. After all, it wasn't made for my tastes, and nobody asked my opinion. Luckily, this will be the last day we see each other."

She should totally apply for a job at Hallmark.

"Don't be so sure," Juan says.

"Everyone of your class is alike," Crabi says. "I remember this girl who came to my house one night to claim something that wasn't hers. Some 'Libia.' God punished her for that."

The brothers take a few steps forward.

Sofía comes out of the bathroom, beaming. She picks up a figurine of an angel holding a baby.

"I'm pregnant! I'm expecting Juan's child!"

In telenovelas, the expectant mother is always the last to know.

Next time:
Gabi takes a swing at Juan. Oh, the irony.

I'm off next week - you'll get a double-dose of Nicolás on Monday and Wednesday.

Labels: Fuego