Caray, Caray!

Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
How in the hell can Juan remember anything?
Sofie only wears Black
Hello...the absence of water-colored memories.

Disclaimer: in holding an on-going trend of reader beware, I am in no way responsible for any reader who maybe off their medication (goin rogue), therefore please consult any or all of the voices in your head before proceeding. Proceed with caution as I can guaran-damn-tee you there will be fanity, I am trying to be more positive and how better than to be pro as in profanity?

Before we begin, Nickster’s post last night left me to ponder a query. Hmmmm how would we be able to know which munchkin was the Spawn of Sofie and Juan? Must we wait a decade before the bad fashion gene dominates? Should we wait fifteen years to view young Juanita sweating over pan with unshaven armpits?
No…I have come up with a fool proof method.
Once on Animal Planet I saw these tests to see how smart your dog is. Okay granted these are kids & the comparison is dogs, but it’s way easier than giving the three typewriters & bananas and waiting for two of them to type Hamlet. The true heir would never type Hamlet; her name would be a stretch.
So here is my Acme plan. Take something away from the kid, a toy, a cookie…it doesn’t matter, something that would make the kid throw a red faced howling tantrum. Then place said object under a blanket on the floor with the kid watching and put the kid on the floor. The two non Reyes kids would no doubt crawl over to the blanket, pull it off and retrieve their heart’s desire, while the Reyes child would instead turn, crawl out the door and head for the deadly waterfall as fast as her little chubby legs could crawl. This should only be done with complete adult supervision, meaning real adults not the AssHat parents. A true Reyes is drawn to the churning frothing waters like a normal person is drawn to better television. Thus six months of wan, lip licking Sofie time can be eliminated.

Let the games begin.

We begin with the totally awkward dinner where Damien announces that he has been invited to ride his horse around some poor native pulling a wheeled cart….HOWEVER he may not go as it all depends on Sofie, he wants to spend his life taking care of her. Everyone stares, especially Gabi who is literally licking her lips over the handsome, suave Damien. Sofie looks pale, wan & nervous or just like every other day.
Sofie leaves the table. Damien invites the whole clan over the next day for eats.

Gabi turns the screws on Sofie, Damien is wonderful, educated, he has good blood. He’d be great fun in the sack. Gabi is working up to a pretend heart attack.

The next day (I think it is the next day..who the hell can tell cause damn Sofie looks the same every freeking day), Gabi starts in again on Sofie, finally Sofie agrees to go to the meal with Damien.

Juan is at home with the boyz in the kitchen, actually the baking area. He is all obsessed with the fact that the mortgage is paid.
What an ass…is he not aware that there are millions of people wishing someone would pay their mortgage. Oooops sorry I forgot that Juan is not aware of much of anything. Also they have received an invite from Damien. However…being that Damien wants to boink Sofie (egads and with the blessing of the church), the boyz won’t be attending.

Juan goes to see the mortgage guy. The one Damien paid. Juan goes on with the old doesn’t want to be beholden to anybody speech. Jeez these people are so nineteenth century.
Mortgage guy says he is sworn to silence.

Meanwhile, the Gabi family has arrived at the hacienda de Damien. Damien is all prancing around in his leather capris. Okay I know they are really Guachos, but I prefer to think of them as capris. Dude is wearing capris. Leather capris. I must say kudos to Sofie for her cape addition to her black dress, yes the cape too is black, but is it? Can that be a bit of colored embroidery stitching about the edge. Oh Sofie, your heart is reawakening.

At some point BSC Gramps leaves his little FEMA cabana, to move back into the hacienda so he can protect his lovely grand daughters. This falls into the category of “I don’t give a damn”.

Back to yet another awkward dinner. Gabi and the girls are sitting around the table with Damien & his synchronized swimming instructor. Sorry make that synchronized bull slaying instructor. Damien starts in about how he wants to marry Sofie. This is just so squirm worthy, are we to believe there are arranged marriages (not counting the whole Sofie-Fer fiasco). Sofie just sits there looking pale. Gabi starts goading her to answer Damien. I’m thinking Gabi is gonna go all riding crop on Sofie’s Ass. Fortunately or not fortunately Juan comes riding Capricho into the muddy arena..that Damien calls a yard. Juan takes in the situation, we are left to ponder if any of it registers. Damien walks out to talk with Juan. Juan declines lunch. I thank Gawd as the whole silverware scene would have been awful. Juan tells Damien that he knows Damien paid the mortgage. Damien looks surprised. Juan thanks him and does his best Jed Clampett not beholden speech.
---So I guess the mortgage guy dimed Damien out. Yeah that is a surprise, ten minutes with Juan and I’d be making crap up just so he’d STFU & leave---

Juan pulls out a big yellow envelope and gives Damien the money. Damien tries to get Juan to take it back. This saves Damien the time of looking for another charity for poor child men with limited intelligence. Alas Juan ain’t gonna be beholden. Damien returns to the ladiiiiiiies and Juan (this was really bad editing) stands like three foot away from the horse and attempts to mount. Camera cuts away and then back..Oh Okay somehow Juan is now on the horse. Juan rides off. Sofie excuses herself from the table and runs after the rider. SHHHHHHHHHANE, Come Back SHHHHHHHHANE. Juan pauses, He is rather rude to Sofie, good for you Juan. He says he knows what is going on and he always knows that Sofie loves him (him being Juan). Juan rides off. Sofie looks pale.

Oh yeah this is a birthday party for Damien and so we carry on with the normal birthday celebrations, we get to see Damien’s version of pin the tale, only there is no donkey poster it is a live bull. Damien is a picadores.
He is the guy that rides a horse and sticks those lances in the bull. Okay so this is the guy’s profession. Like he scored really high in Bull Lancing on the high school career guidance test? Well my parents weren’t thrilled when I excelled at Smart-AssedNess, and I beg to differ Dad, some people do like a smart ass. Anyway enough about me. I was very distressed when they were lancing the Bull, couldn’t Gabi have satisfied the blood lust by smacking Sofie around? Really Bullfighting is mostly in the tourist areas and in Mexico City, manly ranch men much prefer the old bullriding. It just isn’t good form to taunt and kill the bull. Like when rich English people hunt Foxes, seriously this is sport? Or when governors shoot wolves outta helicopters or when Vice President’s shoot groveling cronies in the face. See the wealthy really are different.

Juan riding away is all pissy about Sofie using cutlery with Damien or at least he would be if he knew what cutlery was. He is riding Capricho kinda hard and Capricho rears up. This causes a semi expression of fleeting neutron action to cross Juan’s face. He jumps down, rants & raves hugging Capricho…Ah Juan has had a recollection of Capricho rearing up. Memories thru the corners of my mind. Oh no he dinndit...her little sewn border has sparked the water colored memories of the way they were.

Now the clan dismisses themselves from the table to be shown about the ranch. This is a very thinly veiled trumped up excuse to leave the younguns alone. Damien once again tells Sofie how he wants to devote his entire life to her. What a freeeking Tool. Sofie just can’t respond…yadda yadda yadda. She has to find her kid & if the truth be known and it is..she still sadly loves Juan. Okay so Damien in a fit of sexual frustration decides to go off and kill bulls while Sofie makes her mind up. Damien you think you are frustrated now? Sofie unaware that there is a thriving industry that begs to differ, only believes you can only have sex with someone you love. Anyway I think the kids maybe going steady as Damien gives her his La Macarena, no not his cassette of that bad 90’s dance, but his La Macarena, Our Lady of Hope, bullfighting emblem thing. If at all possible Damien will return to her. This maybe an Anvil of future goring.

On the ride home Gabi tells Sofie what a loser she is for not nailin that once in a lifetime Prince of Hotness. Jeez Gabi was just screamin unmotherly lusting for Damien.

Later Gabi is trying to sort out the screwed up hacienda records that Fer has been covering up. The maid comes in and tells Gabi there is someone to see her.
She enters the room and we see a female with her back to Gabi (she is wearing leather), there is a face in a mirror and she whirls around to face Gabi, the camera replays the whirl four times in a row, so we know this is muy importante. I dunno how many of you watch HBO's true blood, but that four time head swirl reminds me of when vampires move really fast. It is the allusive ROOT URIBE..She is wearing very tight jeans, a leather bra and leather coat, she makes Ros in her most revealing outfit look like a girlscout. This chica just exudes sexual tension. She & Gabi argue about how the Uribe land was lost. Gabi says it’s not her fault that Ricardo had no papers. Root says she knows Gabi is somehow mixed up in it. Ricardo is on his way back. Gabi gives Root a room. Root leaves to go get her stuff from the hotel. Gabi is all upset, what if Eva discovers Root? Why is Ricardo coming back? Why is the sky blue? Why is Sofie such a loser? Why won’t Damien play hide the salami?

The three twits are sitting upstairs talking about Sofie’s big proposal. Sofie says that Damien is nice but she loves Juan and even though they are not together, she is a fall in love one time kind of gal. Yes Sofie we realize you get on a kick and can not deviate. See wardrobe. The girls want to know if Juan finds the missing now forty two year old kid, will Sofie take Juan back? Huh willya willya willya huh.

These same endless lines are starting to really annoy me.

Gramps comes wheeling in the room with a sheet over his head. He is supposed to be a ghost..ha ha what with the recent deaths this is quite a joke. He is there to protect the girls from Fer & Gabi.

Meanwhile Juan is telling Oscar how he borrowed money to pay the mortgage back to Damien. Like myself, Oscar can’t believe Juan did that. Then Juan in his best limited intelligence, meth tweeking, gap-toothed, cuzin boinking, white-trash mode, starts disjointed sentences about Damien and Sofie, how he knows Sofie loves him. He wonders if Sofie will take him back if he finds the kid. He is doing his frenzied pacing. He wants to go and talk to Sofie. Oscar tells him to calm down first.

Poor Oscar, you get the feeling that while he is glad Juan is alive, he would have been equally thrilled had the news come in a letter saying Juan was living illegally in LA working at a Pan factory.

Tomorrow we see ROOT slithering around the house. Juan kisses Sofie.