Caray, Caray!

I watch the opening credits of this train wreck I call FELS Hell, and I ponder; how could so many things go wrong with a show that from the outside had so much going for it? The answer: the writers put pen to paper.

What seemed to be the musical auditions for Barney & Friends ended up being the welcome-home ceremony for the newly-united family. So the deal is each girl gets paired up with an orphan kid; sort of like BigBros. Big Sis., except no urban rejects. Everyone is happy in a 70’s/backwoods sort of way; Sofia wore her hair just like she did for her fourth-grade class photo, Juan thought we were going golfing, and Eva decided that pulling back one’s hair really does limit the functions of the brain, so she let it down. Juan made special party favors with baked-from-the-heart treats so everyone would always remember this auspicious event. Most importantly, this scene shows that white Mexicans eat speck food just like all the other “campesinos,” and there’s certainly nothin’ wrong with drinking from a jar and a dipper. It touched my hear when the Reyes bros. delivered their rendition of “Fuego en la sangre” accompanied with the random mariachi group that was also celebrating. You just can’t get good lip-syncing anymore… Sarita got to show her worth, too, and sung her meaningless, repetitive, and wholly reflective ballad of her and Franco’s tumultuous and juvenile relationship. [I thank God for all the singing and dancing because I don’t recap this DisneyWorld-SixFlags crap]. My personal favorite was Gramps’s ballad to Santa. Imagine Carol Channing as a bass—not pretty either way. Volver fans: notice that Raimunda sang “Volver” and Gramps sings “Vivir.” Happenstance? Would the writers be that talented? I think not.

Some receding-hairline woman comes up to Oscar, Franco, and their respective women counterparts and comments on their lovely relationships. Everyone kisses and coos, but when the woman leaves, so do the terms of endearment and physical engagements. Seems that nothing is what it seems…

In the meantime, and it’s all meantime around this joint, Pablito is, yet again, rejected (story of my life), Gramps tells Santa that he is happier than ever to be a great-granddaddy, and Santa is happy to rekindle the pilot light that was scandalously ignited so many years ago. Nothing like waiting-out your withered marriage until your wife dies in a staged car crash and years later finding the one you’ve always preferred.

When your name’s Coyote you have lunch for two at a table for eight. To Gabi, El Coyote is the embodiment of a gentleman; to me he’s the epitome of a creepy troll, but whatever trips your trigger. Anyhow, Gabi yearns to learn more about this strapping bald eagle, and what’s more, the mystery is killing her and only serves to fuel the passionate flame of lust and intrigue burning in the innermost regions of her cold, shriveled body. How’d I do?

I don’t want to tell people what to do, but just know that it is never a good excuse to remain in a marriage or relationship “for the kids’s sake.” Case in point; everyone on this show. Sofia sort of understands this, but Juan still wants to pretend to be happily married, or whatever they are, in front of everyone. Apparently, there are truths that kill. Whatever that bull shit means… Might I add; when you have a party and no one ate any of your food, that means that it sucked and they hated it. Maybe Juan will think once about baking for his next blow-out occasion.

The only one who ever could eat Juan’s baking was Special-ed. Sofia. (She mainly ate it for the roughage.) As you all know, she has an innate ability to smell Juan’s bakery and then make him appear before our very eyes. When he does, he confesses that, as always, he doesn’t know what to do. As always, she smiles coyly and Vicente Fernandez sings that damn song which I hate. There’s no holding back, Sofia tells Juan that she loves him, but she can’t stand by him if he keeps thinking about this silly idea of her beloved, innocent father killing that little tramp sister of his. It just isn’t true, and that’s why you must leave forever. But don’t worry; I don’t hold any animosity against you. See, that shows that she really loves him if she can admit it and then send him packing in the same breath. She gives him the engagement ring as a symbol of her determination to resist all carnal temptations. He kisses her forehead and she remains strong, but eventually breaks down to the fetal position and starts to cry. What else can she do?

El Coyote is thought-bubbling to himself; bit by bit I’m winning you over, Gabi, bit by bit until I get you where I want you and you fall apart. Gabi is thinking about El Coyote and wonders why he’s so mysterious; can that be good? Can all that box merlot be good for your heart condition?

Uh oh. Gabi is threatening the picture of Fernie again… We have to get that woman back on her meds. and off that alcohol. She tells the picture that if it doesn’t get its ass back here soon, she’s going to have to leave it behind for El Coyote.

So the girls are doing their domestic chores in ol’ sis Sofia’s room when an urgent letter arrives from the big city. It seems that Sofia is going to have to specify which of the bastard orphans she actually popped out that stormy, confusing night many moons ago. If she doesn’t do it, she’ll lose the inheritance to Gabi’s able hands. I guess now she’ll have to be a little nicer to her “mother” seeing that she’s certainly not willing to submit her “children” to DNA testing not only because she doesn’t know what that is, but also because there is a risk that her favorite “daughter” might not be her bio. daughter. No, Sofia, we do not get to pick our children, but then again, how could anyone be so lucky to have me as a son?

It’s a grave, heart-shattering morning over at the Reyes household. Juan lost his girl, Oscar has to move out of the one-bedroom house, and there is no way that Juan can possibly sleep without Oscar. But, you see, Oscar and Jimena must live together for, dare I say it, the children’s sake. No one wants to do it, and the kids will surely suffer, but the Probate courts always know best, especially when Gabi is paying them hand over fist.

As I supposed, Sofia will not submit her children to the DNA testing because she “loves them all equally.” It’s a nice sentiment, but get real puhleeze. Gabi, who at least has the courage to speak the truth, tells her three daughters that you never really want to invest much in your kids because it’s usually worthless, and many times comes back to bite you in the butt. (How true.) But how do you know, Mom?, asks Sarita. “I’ve freakin’ lived it!” Oh, that’s classic.

What do the girl’s do when they can’t get their way? They run to Gramps, who, in all his wheel-chair majesty, has the ability to turn that frown upside down. Mommy wants us to leave the mansion, and we don’t want to. She also wants Sofia to do a DNA testy thingy and nobody knows what that is, so will you stop her? OMG, all those urban youths on the Maury Show love DNA tests; with 99.9999999999% accurate tests, who wouldn’t? Notice it’s always the daddy’s fault? Moving on, Gramps tells Sofia to sue her mom, but Sofia doesn’t have the balls to sue her “family member.” Well then, why don’t you just do the DNA test? I will not subject my daughters to that evil, forward-thinkin’ machine that ruins family values and raises reality-television ratings. I just won’t.

PETA Watch! PETA Watch! Oscar is prying some poor creature with a goad so that it will pull a plow. The animals just won’t budge, and that makes Oscar prod them even harder. Juan, a concerned, ethical naturalist, makes Oscar stop his unruly behavior and take a peek around that bush over there. It’s a tractor! Woohoo! Then he tells Juan that the Elizondo girls have been kicked out to the curb, and it takes them five minutes of arguing to propose putting them up in the Reyes mansion. No, that wouldn’t work. Of course not, you only sleep with them, adopt kids with them, and pretend to be married. Anything else would be out of the question. Then again, they would probably make all three Elizondo girls sleep on cots in the same room, wearing nothing but their undies.

Gramps reproaches Gabi for giving the boot to the girls, but I have to agree with Gabi on this one; the girls are in their thirties and its time for them to move on to bigger and greener pastures. Gabi calls Gramps crazy and Santa walks in saying that he’s only crazy in a healthy, sexual way, unlike you, bitch. Gramps threatens to sell his half of the hacienda, and Santa is now allowed to chew out Gabi because she and Gramps are getting married. Gabi’s pissed because the hacienda has always been in the family, and that’s why she wants to write Gramps a check then and there. No, you either let the girls live here, or I sell my share to some stranger.

Tomorrow; some chickadees are throwing a big party, it’s probably just like the one today, and they aren’t going to let Juan escape without grinding on his body, kissing him, or combing his hair with their self-manicured fingers. Sofia finds out that Juan’s at this “dance” and is deeply troubled because it’s one of those dances where people’s bodies touch and hug. God save Sofia! You will probably like this episode, mama, since you love Cesar Evora nekkid and other things of that nature… ;-)

Labels: Fuego