Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Fuego, Wed., Jan. 07: Now you understand why they needed a bailout.
FELS was BIG in Cozumel, Mexico. So big, in fact, that local food stores and markets took advantage of the baking talents of a Mr. Juan Reyes, and offered his delicious "Sofia breads," among other delicacies in their bakeries.
*Yes, even abroad, FELS is always on my mind. More of a curse than anything…
So Pablito is all like Donny Osmond with his mammy in the living room. Apparently there is something special in those treasure chests which somebody stole, but little Donny won’t show his mammy anything because she speaks in tongues that he doesn’t understand. Then, when he does open up, it’s a bunch of crap like fifty-day old flowers and pictures of much older, but similarly BradyBunch-esque looking girls. “Think it,” says mammy, “Who would want this crap?”
Oscar is major trippin’ on the floor of his bedroom—couldn’t quite make it to the bed. Some curious needles are circulating and people are groping his legs. Seems to me that his groans are reminiscent of a long trip…
Aw, it’s like twins on earth! Whatever Mother Gabi wears, Imaginary Daughter Root reinvents in a much more skanky and free-flowing design. However, we all know that Sofia has been the real trend-setter, and that’s why most of Gabi’s attention goes to her. This makes Root sad because she loves her pretend mommy so much that she even wears leather gloves to hide her wrist wounds and other signs of border-line/obsessive behavior. Sofia happens to watch as Gabi and Root embrace solemnly, only leading to more envy between the bizarre daughters of Gabi who are united by the wondrous bonds of insanity. Root cries until she sees Sofia coming, then she chuckles inside. Sofia chews her out for pretending to love her fake mother and role model in evil. “But I love her.” “Then why are you getting it on with her husband?” Not even the quickest tongue of a viper can retort the clever remarks of Sofia…
Oscar can’t take anymore. The speed has eaten away whatever was left of his brain and innards. He is irritable and apathetic, yet stubbornly resistant. His rage is indicative of a drug-rehabilitation patient. It’s only a matter of time until his personal demons can escape the dangerous bonds of recreational drugs. Juan reproaches him after having knocked his woman out of the way. “Hitting family members is not good. Who else will love you?” Oscar tears, but his mental faculties do not allow him to fully understand the repercussions of his actions. I don’t see why he’s so pissed; I mean, he can still probably drive that tractor and drink tequila…
I swear Coyote and Raquel are stuck in some time warp. He’s been taking styling tips from Sammy Davis Jr. and Gene Simmons, while she is still convinced that anything off the “vintage” rack at Goodwill is good enough for primetime TV. Honey, medallions are so 90’s…
The much younger and exposed twin is all like, Daddy Uribe, you must hate Mama Gaby because she made you a killer. Then Daddy Uribe twists her wrists, which were fragile enough to begin with, and is like, you can’t hate Gaby because she is your mother—not your sister, even though everyone would think so because you have the same tastes in clothing and men… This news is pretty much a god send, but Root has never, ever been able to aptly handle her emotions or psychological states, so she runs outside to confront her problems with the only psychologist she knows; the bartender. In fact, she is so full of rage and mixed feelings, that while she started running, she ultimately decided to steal a horse from a humble field hand so that she could make it in time for the more economical happy-hour specials.
Gabi is having her own mid-day crisis and on top of that she’s driving down a dirt path; normally I’d say this is easy, but considering the amounts of booze she consumes, I’m sure it’s all she can do to not see “spirits.” Anyway, she goes to break (I have no earthly idea why because she’s going like 20 on an open “path”), and it doesn’t work probably because Fernie cut the breaks like in every other show he’s ever been in. Anyway, her pleasantly-intoxicated state makes her lose even more control when she decides that frantically turning the wheel will stop the car. This only leads to doom when she bangs her head on the fiberglass steering wheel. But what is this? Two horses come galloping along at random. It’s Juan! It’s Root! Single-handedly, they are going to stop this runaway full-size SUV, which, by the bye, is probably illegal to make… In the nickster of time Juan yanks Gabi’s arm and pulls her size-6 body out of the window! Thank God nobody in rural Mexico uses air conditioning, right? Seconds later the SUV collides with a tree at 25 miles per hour and creates an explosion that makes Nagasaki seem like a fire cracker… There’s nothing more sobering that a near-fatal car crash provoked by a nearly-fatal, crazy drunk, who is also your mother/idol...
Oscar’s condition has left him with little but the bitter memories of the life he once knew, which wasn’t much, but at least it was something…
More importantly, Juan didn’t leave his bitchy mother-in-law for dead and caringly brought her home to her fake daughter and dangerously-murderous husband. Oh! The irony…
Just because PadTad is 50 and looks 60, doesn’t mean he can call everyone who looks under 60 “mi hijo.” Anyway, he goes off on some rant to the guy who waters the flowers about, in the words of Cher, loving one another, father and mother, love one another, yeah… Said flower-waterer guy is deeply moved and presents crazy PadTad with a flower. He contemplates the meaning of this gesture, the meaning of flowers, the meaning of procreation, the meaning of his pathetic life, and ends up shoving the flower in some random pot and hates his life.
Mammy Quinti, on the other hand, appreciates her bachelorette status, and especially likes being the live-in slave for the Reyes boys. Maybe she’ll have a kid… But no way is she going to get married. This turns into a song and dance and then a waltz with Keebler the friendly, but fashionably-confused elf. Next stop: What Not to Wear: South of Civilization. Notice the bread that is also pictured above. I think this is a case of life imitating art…
On the bright side, this isn’t the first time Gabi has been in a drunken state, and it’s certainly not the first time she tried to kill herself/someone tried to kill her. Thank God everyone else in the house has the detox. routine down pat. Throw her on the bed, and let her sleep it off. Here, throw the blanket on her. But, I want to put it on her. No, I will; I’m her daughter. Rejected again, Root wishes Sofia only knew that she, Root Uribe, is the legitimate daughter—the one whom Gabi loves… she thinks… This lovely scene is only capitalized by Root tryin’ to steal Sofia’s man. “Girl, don’t make me snap my Z.” Sofia marks her territory by kissing Juan in Root’s very face. First her bio. mom, then the man of all her sexual fantasies… Root seems to be holding up on the outside, though I know she’s being strong for her beloved mother as she crumbles on the inside.
Over at the Historical Society, Coyote is telling Raquel about Ricky’s mysterious limp, and how he is a bad, bad man. Raquel gets all scared and nervous and then Coyote makes a move. He asks Raquel how Gabi and Ricky are united. By blood, says Raquel. Who, remember, probably doesn’t even know her own name half of the time, so…
Poor Jimena is learning what is means to be the enabling spouse of a medication-dependent, irate husband. She will never understand, though, that it isn’t her, but the drugs. Sarita tries to console, but if she had her way she’d rip his balls off, and then how would Oscar and Jimena have real, non-wards-of-state kids? However, it’s worth pointing out the Sarita has taken a somewhat-personal interest in Jimena’s case because Franco’s performance in the bedroom has not been up to par ever since Oscar started treating everyone like shit. Maybe now the girls can unite their limited knowledge about men and relationships and save everybody’s fake marriage thingys.
Oscar was basically doomed from birth, and sadly he realizes that while he desperately clings to the box spring for leverage. Getting himself into that damn chair was a week’s amount of work. What do you do when you have fallen and can’t get up? You call LifeAlert. “All senior citizens [drug abusers] must have LifeAlert,” says the lady in the sky-blue night gown who even more desperately needs a bra. Hey, but life isn’t that bad. Look at Gramps. He scored in a wheel chair, with Alzheimer’s, and being an octogenarian…! Now that’s the upside! Notice the producers have de-sexualized Oscar by making him wear boxer briefs instead of bikini briefs. I guess there’s nothing sexy about being bitchy and in a wheel chair. Though everyone has their own tastes…like Root…
To avoid confusion: I didn’t recap the Fernie-Juan fight because we’ve seen it on every other episode, I didn’t recap the Juan-PadTad conversation because we’ve seen it on every other episode, and I didn’t recap the Ricky-Gabi-Rooty make-up scene because…you get the idea…
Tomorrow: Root and Gabi can finally be together! As a matter of fact, Gabi loves Root more than all her other questionable daughters, and she simply never loved Sofia. What a shame that Sofia had to hear all this. Then there’s Fernie, who’s pissed that Root is going around saving everyone he tries to kill. Win some lose some…
All in all, nothing has changed. Juan is the same confused prick, PadTad is still the spooky philosophe/martyr/saint, and Sofia is still just as Mennonite as usual. How I love this show…
Labels: Fuego
I haven't read your recrap, FELS hasn't aired in my time zone yet, but I can't wait to hear the stories that go along with your photo.
Saludos,
"Creemelo"
Your recap was fun all the way through, very cleverly written. Best quote (hard to pick only one) was: "I swear Coyote and Raquel are stuck in some time warp. He’s been taking styling tips from Sammy Davis Jr. and Gene Simmons, while she is still convinced that anything off the “vintage” rack at Goodwill is good enough for primetime TV. Honey, medallions are so 90’s…"
I thought Ricky would unmask Feo as the sniveling little weasal he is. I'm surprised that not only isn't Feo cowering and begging for mercy, but is actually holding his own. I think Feo's present excessive rage is part and parcel of his descent into madness, courtesy of Rosario. It will be interesting to see exactly who will be the more formidable villan. Diana in MA.
I think I'm going to use your I didn't recap the (fill in the blank) because you've heard it all before for Tontas. We've already got a lot of repetitions in the Candy/Santiago scenes and it's early days yet!
Welcome back to the land of milk and honey. We missed you.
After Oscar's umpteenth "..no puedo.." enter the Bull into the china shop. Make that Juan enters Oscar's room and gives Oscar Hell. My hero. He's not going to be undone by little Oscar.
In the kitchen Tio Vicente stands and converses with Juan who has to sit down otherwise we'd have a curious scene of The Giant and the mini-man.
Good morning.
Did Slofia look like she was ready for a safari or was it just me? I can't even watch the Juan/Snofia scenes any more. It just grosses me out.
Poor Feo...he's lost his murder mojo.
Maggarita
:-)
Also, just in case this isn't common knowledge: your regular brakes require brake fluid, but your emergency (parking) brake does not. (I didn't notice if she tried that, nor if Feo cut that cable as well as the brake fluid line.)
In any case, it's damn funny that the car exploded when it hit the tree. Is the gas tank in the front?
(Note to self: Next time, buy tinfoil beanies from reputable sellers only, not some guy in a van in the abandoned Zayre parking lot.)
El Jefe + Pedro's mom = Pedro
Pedro's mom dies.
Soledad is pregnant with Coyote by Darth Uribe.
El Jefe marries Soledad so child will have a name.
Pedro and Coyote are half-brothers
Or--Maybe Soledad is Pedro's mom and never died but Pedro was told she was dead.
Ok--put the beanies back on. It's just too early.
Sylvia, whining in California and wishing she were eating big buns at the supermercado in Cozumel
Julie, you've been listening to way too much Car Talk, but thanks for the brake info. And Zayre's??? Whoa! I've been away from my roots too long. I forgot about Zayres. But I need a new one of them beanies. It's all way over my head now.
Hey, JudyB, did you have a birthday? If so, Feliz Cumpleanos!
Liena, FL
Actually I need to confess to someone, might as well be you Nickster, that I am again experiencing inappropriate feelings for Padre Tadeo. He may be useless as a padre but the profile shot of him the other night was awesome. What a schnozz! Just sayin'
Nickster, I hope someday you get to recap a show you like. I'm really curious as to how that would affect your style. :-)
ITA - nice buns! Geez...those things look like brains. Eeew. Did you try one and you start swooning and thought-bubbling for Sofiá?
Well I thought the Gabi/brakes/I-Juan-to-rescue-you scene was just so lame. How conveeeenient that she wasn't wearing a seat belt, and leaned toward the window when she passed out. And the then the explosion. LAME. (Gimmeabreak)
So now Root knows she's Gabi's real daughter. Veerrrry interesting.
doris
don't tell me - I'm looking for the beanie now!
Maggarita
:-P
doris
Oh, a litte OT: You guys are not going to believe what I just saw in Youtube. There is this talk soup clip making fun of a Novela called La Madrastra. Fernando is in there as some cross dressing dude named Demetrio and Someone who looks like Padre Tadeo is Bruno with stupid looking makeup on. Constancio from Guapos is there as well as a small glimpse of Don Agustin as a priest. I think it is much more dumber than Fuego.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljd6a7_ldw0
Ibarramedia
How can Jaun pull Gabi through the window of a run away car and not dislocate at least her shoulder? Seriously!
Interesting that the SUV explosion was highly dramatic, but barely given a second of screen time in a throwaway move. Maybe too much other drama going on to give it a chance.
La Paloma
doris
My favorite from La Madrastra was when the super bitch played by Jacqueline Andere jumped from the roof of the house... and who could forget Fernie's character trying to seduce the children on the playground with a "puppet"...
Well, that's great. Just a few days ago I was swearing never to watch another Mejia disaster. Now I'm wishing I could see La Madastra. How long was it? The bad ones are so much more better when they're short.
Did they actually call the pan dulce Sofia's bread. If so, that's hilarious. I couldn't tell if they had the big S inscribed on them. They kind of look like the same pan dulce they've always had down in TJ. Talk about great marketing. ha ha
La Madrasta was common fodder for The Soup a couple of years ago.
Where is the continuity editor on this thing? I noticed last week Tio's hair was getting attractively (to me) salt and pepper gray. Then, couple days ago, it was jet-black. Last night, it was back to gray but later in the same episode it was jet black again. Huh?
"Creemelo"
It only took 35 years for her to find out.
Now will she finally move out and go the live at the Reyes hacienda with her 3 hijas?
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