Caray, Caray!

Yes, children, Love is dangerous. Especially in this telenovela. Jeronimo's getting a chill-inducing lesson from Jacqui's ex on how dangerous love can be. And we see where it's led Rolu into all sorts of physical injuries. And today, we're about to see poor Beto, Mauricio and Monita all sacrificed on the altar of love. And the High Priestess, Constanza? she's still riding high. Guess we have a bunch of episodes to go before she'll be a chastened and redeemed, a sadder but wiser gal. But we must hold out hope for the witch, if only to support our dear Carlos who is still in her corner. (You are still in her corner, aren't you querido?)

So...here's what happened today. Well, first of all what happened is I lost half my notes. Hit something odd on my laptop and presto!, gone. But here's what I remember (and please don't forget I just had my 70th birthday). Connie's papa Marco is explaining what happened to Jacqui's subsequent husbands. The mountain climber fell off a precipice, the next guyhad another kind of accident...burned up, maybe? the third one died of poisoning (bad smoked oysters), the French yachtsman drowned. It's all a bit murky, but you get the picture. Marrying Jacqui is fatal...and not just to your checkbook. Jero's looking like he's having a hot flash. He's so aghast he doesn't even flinch when Dad leaves him to pay the tab. Adios.

Mientras tanto, Beto is confronting Connie about her assumed affair with Pedro or Juan Legrado. Jacqui arrives and there are a lot of mother daughter glares and sneers exchanged back and forth while Jacqui explains that Beto is a little vocab-deficient, among other things, and doesn't know that a "legrado" is a curretage,( or D& C in this case, after a miscarriage.) Connie refuses to clarify but manages to temporarily convince Beto that 1) she doesn't know any Legrado and 2) oh yes, she does but it's the assistant of the lawyer handling her divorce case. Beto wonders if she was shagging the assistant to get a better deal on the divorce costs but this is hotly denied. He shuffles off, in search of better food no doubt, but first confides that he and mom are about to get kicked out of the vecindad. No problem, says Connie. I'll take care of it. After he leaves, more mama-daughter wrangling ensues. Why didn't you keep out of it? I'll keep opening my mouth as long as you keep hiding the truth, daughter of mine. With that, Constanza and Katja flounce off to meet Dad for dinner. I love you too, dear, snipes Jacqui as Connie leaves without a word. Cold. Very cold.

Okay now, speaking of hiding the truth...let's look at Xime and Rolu. He's pretending to be crippled; she's pretending to believe him. Arnoldo is about to get the 411. Here's how it goes. Xime's getting ready for yoga class. Cute lime-green velours pants suit. Nice lipstick magenta dot in middle of forehead in order to look truly Hindu. Rolu tries to persuade her to stay home. Nopis. But Arnoldo is here to keep you company. She starts to give him a little kiss. He grabs her and they launch into a big bed-rollin' smooch. Arnoldo looks on aghast. Xime skips out, reminding her cuñis to take good care of Rolu since he has a tummy ache. No wonder, with all the bacteria festering around here, yelps Arnie.

Once our sprite is out the door, Rolu send Arnie off to get something. Then leaps off bed to get the remote control. Arnie comes back. Catches him. Aghast again. How can you do this? You lied to Xime. You lied to me. It's the only way to keep me here, pleads Rolu. I've fallen in love with her. That's how love is. It sneaks up on you. (see, told you it was dangerous) Please don't let Xime know I can walk.

She already knows, sniffs Arnoldo. She said you wouldn't leave here until she was ready for you to leave. She's a lot smarter than people realize. (Amen) Let me compress the various scenes. Arnie thinks our two lovers should go see a psychiatrist. She kidnapped him and held him captive. He deliberately injured himself and is pretending to be paralyzed in order to hang around. Get help! Get medication! Get something.

Sorry, hermano. Rolu's going to plan B. If Ximen really knows he can walk, then she must be up to something. What is it? He wants Arnoldo to cozy up to Lalu (But I'm not gay, squeaks Arnie) so he can find out what's going on with Xime. Do this for me, por favor.

Okay. Not sure if I can work in "por casualidad" but mientras tanto, Xime is ostensibly trying the child's pose in yoga class. In truth, she's checking out the shapely butt of the yoga instructor. And having a heart to heart chat with Lalu. (In a real yoga class, your instructor would never put up with this chit-chat. Trust me.) But here's what you need to know. Xime really does want to unload Rolu now. But she can't break his heart the way Connie would by just dumping the guy. She has to finegle it so he falls out of love with her and goes willingly. Man, this is complicated. Guess she wasn't as forgiving of that little nurse incident as we thought. It's over for her. Now she needs for it to be over for him. Stay tuned.

So what's happening elsewhere? The barrio folks are all gathered to hear the good news from our boring little M&M. In truth, Grupo Sermeño is the mystery new owner. And Mauricio wants to give the deed to Monita. But she says no, give it to everybody. So that's the plan. Each one will be the landlord of his own little piece of the barrio. Lots of cheering, led by the generous bottomed Nieves, who wraps herself around Mauricio. Tere also thanks him, from a respectful distance. Estrella hesitates, then launches herself, climbs up his pelvis, and thanks him in her own special way. Paula attempts to follow in her footsteps by Christian wisely restrains her. Chiquitibum bimbomban and so forth. Yikes...can anvils be far behind?

Back to the apartment where a wildly laughing Xime and Lalu are back, glowing in orange (Lalu) and citrus green (Xime). They do a little twin number "Corto corto, largo, largo, otra mano para detener la corona ." Whatever. Rolu greets them by saying that Arnoldo has been all atwitter wondering where Lalu is. Lalu ecstatic. Arnie, aghast. Lots of teasing and rebuttals. (Did I just say that?) I'm not gay. I have a great pair of skin-tight jeans. I'd love to have you help me put them on. Or take them off! Wild giggling. But I'm not gay! (I'll just let you figure out who said what.) Rolu maintains that Arnie is in the closet, but no matter. Big bro' accepts him just as he is. Arnoldo aghast. More to follow. Somehow it works out that Lalu and Arnie have a date for dinner. Lalu will pick him up. Arnie hastily orders him a taxi (waving his latex-gloved hands in air) and Lalu departs. But he'll be baaaaaackk. There was some joke there about Yolanda. Was Yolanda the name of the female impersonator Lalu played at the party? Help! Final quip: Lalu says he knows Arni's closet has seven padlocks but Lalu has the key to every one of them. Stay tuned.

Now, on to our spectacular dining spot of Papa with his two darlings. There are beautiful "jets d'eau" in the background. This has to be a classy joint. But the girls are sulking like kindergartners. First Dad gushes over Katja and how she's grown while Connie sulls in the background. Then after Connie whines, he gushes over her while Katja grinds her teeth. The sniping and griping continue until Papa loses patiences. The upshot. Katja lets dad know that Connie has something on the side. It wasn't just Mauricio who was at fault in the marriage. Stop it now, let's just spend a pleasant evening together.

Dun de dun dun. In stalks Beto. Cancel that pleasant evening. He's there in all his manly stench to confront the presumed lover of Connie. So this is the old woodworm you're cheating on me with, gasps Beto. Look at those pair of legs, dude.. Those legs are mine. I kill her with pleasure. You can only get it up with those little blue pills! C'mon! That does it. We have one more aghast human being. Papa can't believe that Connie would be pregnant by this caveman.

And Beto, ever nimble, upon learning this is actually Constanza's padre, leaps into his arms, give him a stench-filled hug and calls him suegrito. I love it. But Dad didn't. Beto rubs his shoulder....

And we change scenes and see Monita rubbing Mau's shoulder. Okay. Some boring and pointless talk about how early tomorrow, after the hearing, Mau will be free and life will be happily ever after. We know that won't happen. A few lip-smacking kisses and he's off.

The sun rises. Light streams behind the clouds. A heavenly picture. But more hell to follow.

The kids are in the judge's office testifying as to what a great dad Mauricio is and what an icky stepmother Connie is. Our Constanza manages to look wounded and victimized while Mauricio only looks smug. Dang.

But wait. In walks Beto. Will he save the day? Alas, his testimony is going to be put in doubt. Nevertheless, he's about to regale everybody in the office with his and Connie's affair. You're men, you understand, right? Her husband wasn't taking care of her in THAT way, and we were hot to trot. And now she's having my baby and we're going to get married and be a family.

Connie stiffly proclaims that everything "this man" says is a lie. And the proof? Well, for one thing, she's not pregnant. In comes the gynecologist who whips out his report to show just that. And what's more, she has proof that Mauricio did not honor the pre-nuptial agreement. Roll the cameras, show the tender love chat between Monita in her postage stamp skirt, and Mauricio in his Furia Enmascarada outfit, gloating about how they put one over on la bruja Momia and soon they'll be free to live their grand amor.

Oh my. It looks bad. The judge has seen more than enough.


Outside the courtroom, a broken Beto has collapsed into Monita's arms. Connie lied to him. There's no little Betito on the way. Lies, all lies.

Inside the courtroom, an outraged judge grants our triumphant Connie all of Mauricio's worldly goods. Yesss, adds Connie, and that includes what he just recently acquired--the barrio where Miss Valentina Lopez lives. Oh no. Oh yes. Oh crap. And I'm aghast. How about you?

Previews:

Monita wants to "take it outside". Well, inside actually. She wants to fight Constanza in the ring. Whoever wins gets the barrio.

And Oscar and Constanza's papa are negotiating Marco's percentage of the shares in Sermeño Group. Forty-five percent!? This can't be good.

Vocabulary:
enchuecar = to bend, to warp, to become twisted
suerte en el juzgado = good luck in the hearing
mugre vieja = rotten bitch (sorry, sounds a bit harsh but that's pretty much what it means)
no me veas la cara = don't put on over on me, don't mess with me
no la muelas = don't screw this up
naco inculto =uneducated lowlife, dumb doofus
enchilarse = get mad, get all riled up
atrabacando = rash, reckless
pocilga = pigsty
ostiones ahumados = smoked oysters...which poisoned one of Jacqui's husbands
mantenerse al margen = to stay out of it (what Connie wishes her mother would do)
que se la pasen increible = have a really great time
traerse algo entre manos = to be up to something
el alma en un hilo = to be anguished, really worried
una porra = a cheer
candado - padlock
queveres, dando vuelo a la hilacha = some of the colorful ways Beto described how he and Constanza got it on

Dicho of the Day:

La cosa ya no tiene remedio = The fat is in the fire. Sure looks like it. But wait! here's another dicho....

Nunca está más oscuro que cuando va a amanecer. = It's always darkest before the dawn.

So okay, be a little aghast, but keep hoping too.

Labels: gancho