Caray, Caray!

Welcome amigos to Club Gancho in the first day of our new time slot. I hope you all remembered to reset your alarms and were able to find your ways here without too much difficulty. Before we get started, allow me a moment to share with you what I've learned about the motive behind the schedule shift. It seems that Univision has studied the demographics closely and discovered that the average age of viewers of un Gancho al Corazón here in Gringolandia is... well... senorish. So, believe it or not, this time change was inaugurated for our behalf. That's right, mis amigos, sort of a videographical early-bird special. Interestingly, it was our slavish use and obsession with the closed captions that first tipped them off. They coupled that with the fact that an inordinate amount of hot herbal tea is consumed by a number of us (you know who you are) and these details led them to the discovery that the average bedtime for our merry little band is 9:00pm. Thus for our convenience... well, you already know. I was told that when Univision was deluged with Emails whining about the time change, there was consternation among the network execs. Finally they all agreed on the fact that no matter what you do for the elderly, the old folks are never happy or satisfied.

Please don't be angry with me, I only gather and report the news. Now, turn up your hearing aids, go potty if you need to, adjust your lap blankets, and let's see what these young whippersnappers at un Gancho al Corazón are up to today.

As you recall, on Friday, Hombre (that mysterious man), took us deep into the recesses of Oily, Odious Oscar's mind. Not a pretty place to take old folks, Hombre. Tonight let's keep a safe distance. Even so, I hope you are all current on your inoculations.

Oscar is joined at a pleasant sidewalk cafe by an aching, lonely, pining young wild bull named Aldo, whose stock (with me anyway) is, at the moment, in freefall. I won't revisit the details of those lugubrious, distasteful facts that led us here, as they were painful enough the first time around. Let's just say that our favorite cougarette has received a harsh lesson in the downside to frolicking with a Clearasil client. And that said client has learned first hand the wisdom of that wartime admonition, "Loose lips sink ships!" The pain emanating from his shattered heart, has led him to Uncle Oscar for some illicit balm for his freshly throbbing wounds. Oscar has just returned from doing some garden work, but is never too busy to spread joy wherever he can. He has a special interest in the well-being and emotional health of Mauricio's pubescent son. An especially nefarious appearing Oscar pushes a ziplock bag containing whites and blues toward our anguished little puppy, who looks at it as though it were a tiny rattlesnake, he reluctantly yet decisively clutches it in his paw. Aldo, Aldo, Aldo. What are you thinking my son. At least Chubi's nepenthe was natural and organic. Next!

This is much better. We're at home with a somewhat more rested appearing Estrella, who is wearing an attractive perky little black dress with a halter top, (smokin'!) which I think must be the feminine equivalent of khakis and navy blazer. She's certainly looking a bit better than the last time we saw her. There's a knock on the door which she opens to my least favorite character (and that includes Oscar who is spell-binding to watch and the two thugs that attacked Estrella, whom I categorize as animal performers) it's Tano. Someone nudge me if I doze off. This man is borrrrring. Downright soporific. Somniferous. Almost comatic. I know, I know, he has his fans here. Maybe if he did something courageous or even outrageous, I could warm up to him, but when I look at him, all I see is a self-righteous prig. She cordially welcomes him in. Hihowyabeen kinda talk ensues. "I was in the neighborhood with Mao and I thought I'd drop by and bump the little cars with you." Not translated exactly word for word but what he was thinking.He twitches and fidgets, "Mao tells me your having problems with Aldo." He actually did say this, the jerk. Appropriate? I sure don't think so. Certainly not right off the bat. She wonders if he's not just feeling her out. He is. She bravely smiles and even responds to his boorish questions though even if not exactly answering them. He denies interest in resuming a relationship. They agree on friendship, yet he presses on with an unctuous, rodential smile, "You've, ended it with Aldo, but I imagine that you still love him, verdad?" He really asks this. Let's see a show of hands of those who think this might be in the least effective. I thought so. Sorry Judy, looks like you're the only one. She looks wistful, tells him that she's dealt with all the applicable dichos, "Love is blind(ciego)"; "She who beds little boys, wakes up wet(mojada)" but "Lo que no mata, se hace fuerta (What doesn't kill, makes one stronger.)," is the one that applies now. She's treating him with respect, oozing grace all the while. Move along, she's not for you.Next!

Gabi is looking very appealing with her hair pulled severely back. She looks great like that. Let me admit, I'm a sucker for starkly contrasting black and white outfits for women. Especially those with geometricity. There's such a clean crisp look about such women's clothing. She is in the outer office on the telephone. She is trying to contact Sal who is in Venezuela on business. Now we know that Sal's travel plans have altered somewhat because the last time we saw him he was on a gurney in the back of a gypsy ambulance under the care of Dr. Oscar. Now you would think that Groupo Sermeño would have better medical benefits, wouldn't you? Gabi is a little peckish with the person she is talking with on the phone and after hanging up, with a curious, sympathetic Pau. Sal has his cell phone off (apagado) and no one can locate him. She can find out zero, zip, nada. Pau offers that "malas noticias son los primeros que lleguen. (bad news is the first to arrive)." "Yeah, well, neither good nor bad news has arrived." As they she what looks to be chocolate cookies Gabi confides that Sal entrusted her with keys (llaves) to his place so she could look after his little plants. When she went in she noticed...here Pau jumps in with a guess to finish Gabi's sentence."...and all his clothes were missing?! Anyone here like having friends who do that for you? Thought not. Neither does Gabi but she politely waits for Paula to finish then continues, "No," but the strangest thing was in el baño she found that all his wrinkle cremes, anti-aging stuff, masques, todos were all neatly arranged and still there, but the worst thing, that which worries her the most is..." here she points to her scalp but this goes over Pau's scalp, "Is what?" so she continues, "His peluquin de repuesto (spare wig), I can't imagine him going anywhere without it." Pau can't believe it either, "Sí, está raro (that's strange)." Strange indeed.

Mao and Moni are sitting on Moni's bed sharing a typically ho hum M&M exchange. She's excited about Furia's upcoming bout. He teases about her loving the Bug, he's jealous, would like to break Furia's face. Moni's in love with both, yadda, yadda, yadda, a kiss, "How's the divorce coming?" "Fine." He does say that after this bout, Furia Enmascarada will take a leave of absence and lay low. (Judy, it seems like lie low would be the proper usage, but lay low is how I've always heard it... Help!) and... Next!

Seated in their usual restaurant, Coni is looking very tasty. She has on a perky black and white checked sun dress. Qué the heck is she stirring in that orange juice? Looked like a packet of Sweet'n Low. What? Am I missing something here? and she smiles broadly when Beto walks up behind covering her eye's (yes THOSE eyes that turn my heart to goo) with his sleeve saying in a falsetto, "¿Qien soy?(Guess who?)" "Mi Bizcocho," she beams. (I'm not sure we've discussed this endearment which means biscuit.) He observes that she must have been tipped off by his manly aroma. Then, Coni's not prepared for this, he has a surprise behind his back. She is eager to see it, so he produces a tiny Fantasma Vengador mask created for Fantasmatita Junior, the now difuntito little Betito. He uses it as a hand puppet along side of a grown-up Fantasma mask made for Coni. He teases Coni, trying to get her to try her's on. She resists telling him to save it for a more intimate time. He gives a voice to the little Fantasmatita. This is heart-breaking. This has certainly gotten to me so no doubt it has an impact on Coni. She recoils reflexively as if she's spotted a ghost, and in effect, indeed she has. She summons inner strength, smiles weakly, and feigns delight.He tries He tells her that pregnancy has made her even more beautiful than ever, he leans over, places his head against her belly and calls out to Betito. Stop it Beto! Mercifully, the conversation turns to tonight's wrestling debut of the team of Fantasma Vengador and Furia Enmascarada. I guess the reports of the demise of Señor Bug were greatly exaggerated. She wants to see our beneficial bug exposed as Mauricio, but it's more important for Beto that they are successful and perform well. At lot is at stake for the future of their familia. For he and Coni and (sniff) little Betito. Coni wants to go, he wants her there for support, and it looks like my luck is holding up. I get to cover the fight!They kiss. Even their little obligatory "love you too" kisses sizzle.

Though the fight is not for some time yet, the crowd is starting to arrive early. Among the early arrivals is our little estrogenic contingent from the vecinidario. It's Nieves, Alicia, Monita, Estrella, Paula, and Teresa who is now one of them ha joined with them and is fitting right in from the looks of things. Monita, who is in a dazzling cocktail dress calls for a huddle to share a secret. We're excluded from this conference but the enthusiasm they express for the Masked Fury leaves little doubt that now they all know Meester Bug's true identity. Teri sets the tone by shouting,"¡Arriba Furia Enmascarrada!" Nieves wearing that same shiny pink top already described by Hombre, amends the cheer adding, "¡...y'l Fantasma Vengador!" All chime in. I think that we have a good idea which camp these fans are in. As they head for their seats Tano (what a coincidence) cuts Estrella from the herd. OK, There's Cristian and Ivan so I suppose maybe those three guys accompanied the ladies, but for just a friend he is awfully attentive to Estre. He tells her that her high heels are going to cause her to fall. Good line, Tano. Aren't you the clever wordsmith? Have you ever considered recapping? Just as he's making his pitch who should walk up but... Aldo! (no doubt another coincidence). With one coincidence after another it may be a good time to go over the Spanish expression por casualidad, which is easy and fun to say and makes people think,"Hey! He really does speak Spanish!" and of course, coincidentally means by coincidence. Try it out. Por casualidad, Aldo pops up to thwart Tano's feeble effort. He's not delighted to see Tano with Estre and needs to talk to Estrella... now. The alert, astute Monita, looking ever so pretty drags Tano off, leaving Master June and Miss September alone to seek out a place to talk. She pulls him to the entrance, faces off hands on hips (Oww! Could the body language be any less promising?) and snaps, "¿Qué quiere (waddaya want)?" If they were any more icy, the words would have frozen in midair before reaching those tender ears. I'm starting to soften, feeling a smidgen of sympathy welling up, directed toward Aldo. Well, here's a newsflash, Aldo's confused. Imagine that. You could knock me over with a feather. He sounds so young. There's no way he can stay away from her what with her being pregnant and all. Well chew on this cowboy, "¡No estoy embarrazada!" She walks away. Moni asks Estre "What happened?" "Nothing. I told him, 'I'm not pregnant." Moni asks, "Why? A few days ago, we did the test. Estás embarrazada, expecting Aldo's baby."

Power Rangers are suiting up for action. Just kidding. Checking to see if you guys are awake. Nah, better'n Power Rangers, it's Superbug and Super Slug, ¡Ay! sorry again. Testing! Testing! ¡Uno! ¡Dos!¡Tres! It's Roberto Ochoa and Mauricio Sermeño, Fantasma Vengador y Furia Enmascarada, girding their loins for battle. Mauricio is sanguine, "We're going to win.", Beto is nervous and frisky. Beto is worried because both Moni and Coni will be in attendance. Of course they will win the match, the press will be there, Beto will announce his real father. Mao counsels caution here. Beto, excited, will at last meet his dad. "Frente a frente. (face to face)."

We're in the dressing room of their opponents. Remember when we started today? The shots thing? Well those of you not current with vaccinations may want to stand back here. These guys look rough. They are discussing the impending battle when the room is invaded by an apparition of hermosura (extreme beauty). It's our Coni (OK,OK, my Coni) who is still looking gorgeous in that sundress.She bats those bewitching eyes, "Hola. ¿Se puede pasar?" She's here to make a deal. (Who remembers the scene in I Claudius, where Livia had gone into the bowels of the Colosseum to encourage her gladiators?) She makes her straight forward pitch. Regardless of win or lose she wants the bug's mask. Simple as that. She opens an elegant aluminum brief case to show them the money. She coyly fiddles with her hair. They negotiate. They agree. For the second time tonight the phrase pan comida is invoked. Piece of cake! Coni snorts, "Eso espero (I hope so.)" Trato hecho (deal made). She takes the brief case, places it in the locker, holds up the key, they grasp for it, she withdraws it. Not so fast. She slips the key down her cleavage, "Show me your muscles." They flex for her. "May I touch?" She feels them up... well, checks their musculature. gives a flirtatious glance and, poof! Gone. Our hefty Luchadors high ten, "Yes!"

The boys are bonding as they stretch. Beto observes that it's a funny (chistoso) world. Mao, a well-groomed, well-dressed executive sitting behind his desk doing nothing all day (Beto has a surprisingly accurate concept of the business world.) and now a luchador. "Monita changed my life and made it more interesting..." This grippingly profound exchange is interrupted by Don Cesar, looking particularly dapper in his orange UT (take your pick) suit, pink shirt, open at the collar, sleeves turned back over jacket sleeves, white shoes, impeccably styled hair, and this stylish look is punctuated by those omnipresent designer shades and gold chain. He could have stepped of the cover of GQ. Her tells them to stop talking about whatever they were discussing(Beto says they were philosophying over the life ephemeral and love. "In other words... women(viejas)," deduces Cesar.) He admonishes them to concentrate on the fight(lucha). He asks how they feel. Both are fine, thank you. Mao brings up their concern that Beto brought Coni. This disturbs Cesar. "If it's not the one it's the other." Beto tries to mollify them by offering that Coni promised to behave. Well, there you have it, I know that I certainly feel better.

Moni and Pau are double-teaming Estrella, scolding her for withholding the truth from Aldo and especially from abuelito futura, Mao. "And what about when you start showing?" Pau queries? All worked out. She plans to go and stay with Alicia, just like Texas girls who used to go stay with a rural aunt. Problem solved. She concedes that Mao will eventually have to know. Moni excuses herself to go check on the boys. Aldo skulks.

But not for long. He confronts Tano. Tano says,"Let's go talk."

Alicia expresses to Nieves her sympathy for Aldo. Nieves thanks Alicia. "¿Para qué?" "For what you're doing for Estrella." They reminisce on the days that they were that age, but Nieves abruptly reminds her that they are there to see a fight and hopes up and begins leading the crowd in cheers for our favorite luchadors, Furia E. and Fantasma V.

Conveniently our least favorite luchadors are discussing their chore for Coni as we find that Aldo is not the only skulker. Moni overhears every word and scurries off. Phew!

Cesar isn't done with his prefight exhortation of his gladiators. However his little speech is interrupted by a breathless Monita. "What is it Monita?" asks Mao, obviously annoyed by her intrusion upon Don Cresar's inspiring words. "¡La Momia!" gasps a clearly agitated Moni. For those of you new here, la Momia (the Mummy) is the affectionate nickname given to Coni by Mauricio's charges who are currently her legal wards. This was quickly picked up by her many friends. She relates that she has bribed their opponents(contrincantes, a pretty word that rolls off the tongue, worth remembering... you're welcome.) to unmask Mr. Bug. Beto reacts with negativity.

In front of the ticket office, Aldo and Tano work on their differences. A little game, guess who says what. "Estrella is mine!" "We're just good friends." "You think I swallow that?!" "You need to grow up." "So now you talk to me like I were a child?!" "You need to learn to accept when a relationship is over." "I love Estrella and she loves me!" Next!

Coni has caught her breath. They should call off the fight. Surprisingly Cesar agree."The important thing is to protect the identity of Furia Enmascarada. Don Cesar may look weird, but the man is a mensch. Mao says it's all gonna be OK. Moni and Cesar exit, Cesar turns and gives one last instruction,¡Concentren!". Mao turns to Beto and complains, "You see? Coni always has a plan." Yes, but Roberto Beto Ochoa, ¡Huiya! is your Fantasma Vengador, ¡Huiya!" ¡Me pusó piel de gallina! (I've got gooseflesh.) Mao seems less convinced.

We see Tano rushing to take his seat. Up in the ring the ring announcer is announcing the combatants for tonight's wrestling spectacle. Wanna listen in?

"Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's main event, what you've waited for, the premier of a new pair of ring combatants, the idol of the ladies, Fantasma Vengadorrrr! Next, his partner el téchnico revelacíon, Furia Enmascaradaaaa! Next, their opponents, Mascara Divinaaaa! And his partner, Super Primeeee! Here entering the ring is the referee, Pierooo!" OK gang, does anyone else detect an homoerotic subtext to this Lucha Libre stuff? perhaps we can discuss this later in our post fight analysis. For now, LET'S GET READY to RUMBLE!

For a moment we relax a bit and join Gabriella in her apartment fretting over the whereabouts and safety of Sal. Don't forget, he forgot his spare wig. Doorbell rings. She opens the door. It's our favorite future aceptee into a suite in Hell, Oscar. He has brought wine. How thoughtful.

The fight has started. Now gang, I love announcing Moni's boxing matches, and though professional wrestling from the City Auditorium in Houston was the first thing I ever saw on TV as a child (our next door neighbors the Spencers, rich folks, had the first TV in the 'hood, and they would invite the gentuza of the neighborhood to watch Houston Wrestling produced by Morris Siegal and announced by Paul Bosche, himself a wrestling veteran.)
Sadly, Paul Bosche died. I'm not sure What he would have thought of Lucha Libre, but my gut feeling is that he would have loved it. After all, back in the 70s he posed for I W Marks' Jewelry Store ads with a diamond stud ensconced in his cauliflower ear. Stunning! So Carlos will give you his concise wrestling analysis:

This is like Cirque du Soleil on crystal meth. So well choreographed. Costumed masked combatants flying all over the ring in precise movements that would make the Radio City Rockettes proud. As they strut their stuff we see the fans in attendance... enthralled. Magic.

Commercials. Hey, I subscribe to Vanidades. Not bad. Written in eighth grade Spanish, a treat for Spanish students. Something for everybody. Thumbs up.

More excellent wrestling action, a recappers dream. What precision! Oops! All four end up on the floor outside the ring.

We've rejoined Gariela and Satan. She is so cool. He opens the wine. She protests,"You know that I'm with Salvador, remember? I'm promised to him and we're going to marry." Yes, the Count remembers. But hey! When you can't be with the one you love... well, you know. "Have you forgotten how you trembled in my arms? Every corner of this apartment was a witness to our passion." Not bad, Oscar. Decidedly better than Tano. He clinks her glass. "¡Salud! For old times." He sips, she raises her glass to her lips, then tosses it in his face. She sets up! She shoots! She scores! YESSS! She calmly finishes off the glass. "Your wine is riquisimo, no?" I have a new heroine. He dabs at his eyes.

Awww. We join my new favorite granny and her adoring brood. It's Jaqui, Katia, and the Fem sibs. Dani shouts. Granny cringes, "Couldya tone it down?" Party last night, remember? Doorbell rings. Katia goes. It's Primo Jerónimo toting plastic sacks of food. Yeah! he's brought along Rolu, in his silla de ruedas(wheelchair), Ximena (we're blest) and even germ-boy, Arnoldo. Jaqui bemoans the absence of Teri.

In the arena, things have gone sour. Furia E is at the mercy of Masca D and Super P. He's kneeling, They're stripping his mask. Monita's beside herself and Coni is channeling Madam Defarge sans knitting.

And this mis viejos concludes tonight's presentation.

Judy... sigue.

Carlos

Labels: gancho