Caray, Caray!

Wouldn't you have thought that by now Moni and Mom (not to be confused with M&M) would have hashed out their differences? Didn't this scene begin last Wednesday? Whatever happened to the wham bam, problem solved in two episodes aspect of our delightful little show? Heck, Mauricio's coma lasted a shorter time than this. OK, Carlos, get a grip, get a shot of Tequila, and get on with it.

Ximena is going to help Lalo out in his quest to win Arnie's heart, "We'll call on all the super powerful muses and write the best love letter ever!" No doubt with the aid of strawberry daquis. Cheered up, Lalo beams.

Borrowing shamelessly from the wonderful recap of our Hombre from Friday:

"Coni’s in shock from the pictures of Sal. She rushes into her closet, where are my shoes, they’re gone! The phone rings, and it’s Oscar, calling from his Castle of Doom, Sal sitting motionless in the wheelchair in front of him, Lorenza fawning over him. What’s the meaning of these pictures? Coni shrieks. Oscar calmly tells her it’s because she didn’t pay the money she owed. Then is this extortion? Not only that, replies Oscar, it’s also meant to teach you a lesson, Jerry will explain. We see a stuffed ram, a stuffed mountain lion, and Jerry’s head is framed between two giant tusks.

What is this, a cruel game? demands Coni. Apparently it is, as Jerry tells Coni there are 6 more envelopes with the pictures, and each one has a clue (pista) leading to the next one, until it’s just too late, dear Coni. Oscar grabs the phone back. You have very little time, Coni. The envelopes have already been sent out, and if they fall into the wrong hands, such as Mauricio’s, you’re going to jail for murder!

Hissabel has apparently had a good night’s sleep, probably molted or shed her skin or something, as she looks all refreshed in a brown outfit, showing no effects from that bottle of vino the night before. She opens the door to the apartment, and look who’s sleeping on the floor – poor little Monita..."

The impassive Lizard Lady can't decide whether to step over our devastated little monkey curled up outside her door or wait for building security to haul her away. Fearing complaints from the neighbors for cluttering the hallway with trash, she awakens her with a nudge of the foot."You're still here?" "I told you that I wouldn't move from this doorway until you opened it for me." She invites her distraught daughter in, "Sit down. I imagine you have a lot of questions. Soon you will know every thing." She offers her a glass of water, "After crying all night, you must be dehydrated." It's not exactly mother's milk, but it's a start. She begins their little chat by congratulating Moni on recapturing her boxing title, she has followed her career. "Felicidades." "Does it really matter?" Moni cooly replies.

Meanwhile our Coni has abandoned her usual icy-calm composure for a more fitting near panic as she shouts at Oscar, who for the moment seems to hold all the trumps. As you recall, he and his imbecilic pupil Jerónimo have sent incriminating photos of a very dead appearing, bloodied Sal as well as items of her clothing, bloodied as well. Our fiel pastor alemán, Jero, has once again switched loyalties and is straining to hear Coni's desperate and futile protestations to his current master and trainer, our odious but ever so dapper, Oscar. Oscar is savoring the moment. He reminds her that this is a race against time. This is not just retribution and revenge, it is a lesson, much needed, in response to her arrogant sense of superiority (prepotencia primor). He clearly is reveling in his dominance of the moment. He emphasizes that she is now in a race against time, "Tic toc, tic toc." She snatches the photos from her purse, places them in a shallow, silver dish, spritzes them with cologne, probably White Witch from Jamaica, and ignites them with a lighter. Hey, she doesn't smoke, does she? Might be a time to start.

More Moni and Mom, I've a feeling that we're just getting started. Isabel asks her if she remembers the fight in which she was knocked down, almost beaten, hanging on to the ropes unable to get up. Moni finishes the story, smiling, "And you approached the ring shouting for me to get up. Remember. You supported me." "We are both women who are not easily beaten. Look, when I left you, you overcame it an thrived, and I lived without you." Moni says that she never quit needing Isabel. Smiling Moni asks, "Did you miss me?" Isabel refills Moni's water glass, I was right, we're going to be here awhile.

Coni is looking even more desperate, she reads the instructions, "Tres cosas. Una. Seems human, but is not. Dos. Has a head but doesn't use it. Y la tercera, I already forgot" Inspiration, "¡Ximena! Ximena has the next envelope!" She picks up her purse and hurriedly prepares to leave. We rejoice. Ximena! Yes! Just what the doctor ordered (and was wishing for). She run out leaving the pictures smoldering in the silver platter.

We join Mao and Gabi in Moni's apartment. She is telling him about her visit to the the looney lodge and her less than fruitful effort to apprise Lorenza os Sal's tragic demise. Although Loriloca is clearly just that, the things she said about Sal being alive and Oscar's involvement with poisoning Sal., well, it feeds her suspicions that the facts surrounding Sal's departure may not be quite what they appear to be. She asks Mao to accompany her to the warehouse for the woefully witless to visit Lorenza and hear what she has to say. "Sal was your best friend. He was like a father to you." Mao, who has still not quite mastered the art of walking while chewing gum, complains that his head is fully occupied with the mystery of Moni's sudden strange disappearance. She pleads, appealing to his sense of loyalty She reminds him of the investigator Araujo's disappearance. She reported it to the police. "Don't leave me alone in this." Who could resist those beautiful, soulful, imploring brown eyes? Not Mauricio; he yields. We would rejoice, but our pigeons have already flown the coop.

Por casualidad (remember?) we join said pair, settled in as guests in Oscar's branch of the Bate's Motel. She is tastefully dressed in black pants and an adherent beigeish knit turtleneck, topped with matching cardigan, which serves to show off her tangible assets to good effect. Sal, who is still impeccably groomed, wig in position, nary a misplaced hair, freshly shaved, starched white shirt, coffee-colored suede jacket but with an expression (or lack thereof) on his face that evoke memories of my patients in the Jeannie Sealy Hospital for the Wacky Wealthy after a brisk and bracing morning round of electroshock treatment. (I was just a student at the time.) Apparently it strikes Lorenza the same way, for she moves in very close to his face and asks him, "Do you see something?" Bre'r Sal, he don' say nuthin'. She tells him, "Isn't it funny that Gabriella and gata both begin with G and end with A?" Uh... yeah. Since he is clearly catatonic, she decides to feed him. She proffers a beautiful magenta slice of fruit (papaya?), coaxing him with baby-talk and pressing it to his lips until it drops from the fork onto his heretofore immaculate white shirt. Ooops! Will All be able to expunge that pesky stain? She dabs at it dutifully though futilely. A knock at the door. She excuses herself to go answer it. He keeps his gaze steadily fixed on the musarañas.

Time for that Tequila. Monita demands to know what's going on. "Don't shout," an emotionless Isabel offers to to answer all of Moni's questions. She understands how difficult all this has been for Moni , who deserves none of it. Right now Monita wants to know one thing, "¿Me quieres? (Do you love me?)

The cavalry has arrived! Actually, it's Aldo who has arrived at Castle Creep to see Oscar, but perhaps the lad can be of some use in springing Sal from this nightmare. Gazing up at the imposing evil edifice he shouts for "¡Oscar!" He is instead greeted by Lori, "Oscar no está aquí." He recognizes her. Now, invite him inside, you lovely but crazy old bat.

Kneeling in front of her stony, hembral parental unit, once again Moni hopefully questions, "¿Me quieres?" Sourpuss, who looks like she'd rather be anywhere but here, answers, "You're my daughter. You existed inside me." Moni rests her head in Isabel's lap. She mechanically strokes her daughter's hair. "Te quiero, te adoro." She rolls her eyes. Did you see that! I quietly tell myself it can only damage a valuable appliance if I hurl my snifter at the big screen. Serenity now.

Valentina darlin', she said it. Now, let's get the heck outta here. You, I, the rest these caring folks from Club Gancho, let's head over to Beto's cantina and crack open a bottle or two of that Tequila Sinaloense with the red horsey on the label to celebrate. This place is really chilly and I'm guessing that it can only head downhill from here. ¿Porfis?

Lorenza and Aldo are catching up on old times. She seems almost menacing the way she toys with the fork spearing another slice of fruit (this time watermelon?). "I'm Aldo, Mauricio's son." Lori squints, the little hamster is running at full throttle. "¿Mauricio ya tuvó un hijo?" Aldo senses that he needs to help her out. "Mauricio adopted my sisters and me." From the look on her face, we can tell she is milking her synapses for all all they're worth, yet... She thinks it might have helped their marriage had she and Salvador adopted a child. She invites him in. Once more he asks about Oscar and she gently reminds him that, "Oscar no está aquí." She's here with Sal. He politely reminds her of Sal's death. She is understandably a bit put out and impatient with this, "SALVADOR IS ALIVE AND LIVES WITH ME!" Then once again, quietly,she invites him in. This lady is giving Cynthia Klitbo a run for her money as my favorite Latina loca.

Oh Crap. Sal's nurse helps him out of his chair and escorts him to another room to change his shirt. Drat! Where's the inattentive help when they could actually do some good? Meintras tanto, Lori is directing Aldo inside. "I'll wait for you out here." He looks around his forbidding, grotesque, yet almost ludicrous surroundings. Heck! Missed him by this much!

Seated on the sofa, Isabel is stiffly embracing a clingy Monita, in much the fashion of the funeral home attendants in the black suits consoling loved ones of the deceased. Moni eye's have welled with tears and Moni has started sniveling and snuffling, Calling this reptile mommy and asking discomforting questions and I've started casting about for Sylvia's sharp stick. Calmate, Carlos, how long could this possibly go on? All the while, said iguana is rolling her eyes and wishing that she were under a warm, comfy rock. Moni wants to know why she deceived her. She came back into her life , dying, but wouldn't tell her that she was sick. It was so wonderful being held in her arms. Isabel reminds her that she didn't ask for a thing. "If you think I just came back so you could donate bone marrow for me... you're wrong. I was prepared to die." Moni complains that Issy wouldn't open the door for her. She wanted to embrace her like this. Be with her. "You should never have come. You shouldn't have seen me."

Aldo wanders back out of Oscar's museum of murdered mammals looking befuddled. Lorenza understands his concern, Sal's still in serious shape but at times he's better. "Now, you know what I want? ¡QUE TE VAYAS! ¡LARGATE (GET OUT)! !SALVADOR ESTÁ VIVA!" Aldo hurriedly climbs into his waiting cab and flees." Oh well... seeds of doubt?

It's about time. Coni bursts into Ximy's and the girl is in a hurry. "WHERE IS IT?!" as she starts ransacking the place. But first let's take a little sip of this fine Tequila while we have a fashion update.

Coni is clad in a becoming black dress, very short, empire waist, muted geometric pattern of blue and gray across the bodice with matching gray trim. She has on dangerously, given her mission, high-heeled red shoes. Silver circles dangle from her ears and she's wearing a long interesting silver necklace of hearts and stars and such around that stately, arched alabaster neck (good, the Tequila is starting to envelope me in it's loving arms).

Ximena is casually clothed in skin-tight blue jeans and a sleeveless navy pullover blouse with a buttonless purple vest. Of course, obligatory stilted heels with sandaled toes. Her radiant straight dark hair obscures her earrings. She elevates a pedestrian couture to an understated elegance.

Lalo actually could use a little fashion guidance from some of his foppish friends. His perky plaid jacket is sabotaged by a rather busy T shirt. A nice bold solid-color T shirt would make all the difference. His jeans arefineandwhocareswhatkindofshoeshehason? Let's move along.

Connie is a woman possessed. She looks here. She searches there. Ximena is bemused. "Could I ask you not to rearrange everything, Coni? It drives Arnie nuts." Lalo is speechless. She spies Ximy's spiral notebook. She stops. She reads. Aloud. "What kind of clue is this?" Ximena explains, "It's a love letter I'm writing to mi cuñi." Coni says,"You call me promiscuous and you're flirting with your brother-in-law," but she doesn't really care, and she and we have no time for this. She interrogates Ximy. Turns out, "¿Por casualidad (remember?), tú estás buscando una sobre roja (by coincidence, are you hunting a red envelope)?" Coni is almost beside herself. Ximena is coy. Yes, her brother brought it by this morning and asked her to hide it. She has hidden it where Coni will never find it.

Be brave Carlos, steady boy, the entire populous of Club Gancho is depending on you. Aguantate. Moni and Mom. Once more. Hey, what time is it getting to be? Why don't we all go out for brunch? Valentina? Isabel? This time they are seated in chairs across the room from each other. A now dry-eyed Moni asks, "Why did you let me think that you had died? ¿Por qué mamá?" Just great. Isabel has decided to answer. "To protect you." Say what? When she woke up from surgery and the Dr. told her that she had a chance to live, she had to get away. This old biddy is not making a lot of sense now. We know for a fact that she had this planned and she talked Mauricio into abetting her. Moni pleads, "But why?" "Because you never should have come looking for me. You shouldn't know that I'm alive. Your the greatest thing that ever happened to me and if anything ever happened to you I could never forgive myself." This lady is almost as crazy as our Loriloca, but Lori is a lot more fun. She tells Moni that she should leave and not look for her. Moni looks sad and confused. We quietly fume.

Coni is annoyed with Ximena who seems to be enjoying Coni's desperate search. Once again she tells her that it is well hidden and that she will never find it. As she says this, however, her eyes focus on an spot across the room. Astutely Coni heads directly for Ximy's purse. "¡Ay! ¿How did you find out?" Oh well, we knew Ximy is not a good poker player. She and Lalo look on curiously as Coni removes the contents of the red envelope and reads the clue, "The masked heroes hide in their lair (guarida) so they don't reveal their true identities...obviously the envelope is in Mauricio's warehouse (bodega)." sigh, "No puede ser." She's off once again, "Adios, Ximensa."

Moni and Isabel are now standing. Moni implores her not to leave her again as she clutches her closely and tightly. "Standing before you is like a dream from which I don't want to awaken." Issy rolls her eyes some more looking uncomfortably bored, even as she apologizes for all the damage that she has done to Moni. When Moni is looking at her face she appears genuinely repentant, earnest and sincere. Moni pleads, "Don't make me leave." Isabel replies, "Por favor, don't pressure me, Hija." Does this woman have any true maternal instincts at all?

Let's get a little fresh air in the park with Arnie and Rolu. Rolu has returned from his little jog with the two babes and wants to introduce them to Arnie. Arnie, scandalized, scolds him for flirting with them. I see several heads nodding in agreement... One of the jogging chicks realizes that this must be a gay couple and the two excuse themselves and sprint away. Arnie shouts after them, "¡No, yo no soy gay!" Rolu cracks up. Arnie fusses. Rolu tells him that he was just getting some exercise tips. Then he gets serious... he asks Arnie to come with him for a cup of coffee and to pen another letter for him, the he pushes Arnie into the wheelchair and gaily (no, just happy gaily) pushes him down the jogging trail.

Now mother and daughter are seated directly across the table from each other. I'm sure there is strong symbolism in the positioning of the principals in the sequence of these scenes. I'll leave the in depth discussion of this to the more analytical of you, but in this scene, it does seem as though they've arrived at the negotiating table (or not). Isabel, looking very sincere tells her that though leaving her as just a little girl was the most difficult thing she ever did (what a load of horse hockey), leaving her with Nieves was the best thing she could have done for her (this I agree with). Look how good she turned out."I'm so proud of you., but you will never understand the danger of us being together." Moni stands up. If there's anything she's good at it's dealing with danger. Isabel implores, "No one must know that I'm living here. Absolutely no one!"

In the Barrio, Iván is talking with Edith Bunker. No, of course it's Granny Teri, but there is a resemblance, especially when she has that anxious pained expression, which is most of the time. She suggests that he hunt up Luisa and chat with her. A brilliant suggestion. Why didn't he think of it himself? He's off to the school.

At school however, Luisa has found someone else to chat with... Andres. Flashing white teeth. Greasy black hair. Sparkling eyes. Winning smile. All directed toward the conquest of the nubile but innocent Luisa. She is upset that Katia has left, leaving her in the house with la momia. He offers to fill in. He'll come by every day (you would, you little bastard). The mummy likes him. They'll study together, go for a walk, go for coffee, ice cream. "It's not the same," Luisa seems confused... He is not. He moves in for a kiss but she shakes him off,"No Andres." She runs away as he watches, but only for a moment. He sighs, shrugging his shoulders. Nice try, cowboy.

Perhaps Mao is supplementing his currently meager income by offering guided tours of the secret bat cave. The latest tourist is Gabi. Mao drives up with her in his nifty car which apparently Coni didn't get and so far, it hasn't been repossessed yet. They get out of the car. Oh, she's not here for the tour after all. Moni has a key and he's stopping by to leave a note for her. He asks her to wait here while he dashes in. As he opens the door he sees that someone has slipped something under the door. Well, jeez, I guess even Jerónimo knows Furia's address. It's another red envelope.

Is this waterboarding almost over? Moni is standing. Isabel tells her that she's beautiful; she has a bright future; she doesn't want to jepardize it; yada yada. Moni tells her that Coni knows she's alive, she brought Moni here. "She just wanted to hurt you."wants to know what Isabel is doing in this apartment. "I needed a place to hide. As soon as you go through that door, I'm going to leave."

As Gabi waits on the sidewalk, who should show up but Coni? What took you so long sweetie? We've been expecting you. Mao found the red envelope already. Better hurry. Wait! Gabi wants a word. "Hey, hey," she grabs Coni's arm, "Why don't you leave Mauricio in peace? Haven't you done enough?" Coni insults her by telling her that Sal was her last train and now that he's dead, well... "Coni, I'm alive. You're dead in life and don't even know it... A zombie." Coni finds this amusing. She makes a mock startled face. Gabi continues her insult telling her that she is rotting and smells like human waste. Coni offers advice,"Stop reading cheap novels. The zombie will give you a scare and make you shrivel up (adelgazar, actually get slimmer)." Now Gabi is amused. "So evil is dietetic?"

"Mauricio is leaving a Postit note for Moni. He has the red envelope in his hand, as yet unopened. He sits on the sofa and starts to open it. Coni comes racing around the corner and down the entrance hall, "¡No lo hagas (don't do it)!" He looks up surprised to see her. She stands there panting. I thought that she's been training. She seems pretty breathless for a trained boxer.

Now Moni is begging her mom not to go far away. "¿Por qué? Why are you abandoning me?" She wants her to stay close to her and Mauricio. Issy reminds her that she promised to be silent, tell no one. "Mauricio already suspects that you're still alive." "No Valentina, Mauricio doesn't suspect that I'm still alive. Mauricio knows. He helped me fake my death."

Mao wonders why this envelope was slipped under his door. Coni says that it was by mistake. It was meant for her. He wants to know how she knows so much about it. "Because I'm psychic (adivina)" and snatches it from his hand and starts running away. Not so fast My Pretty, Mao catches up with her, grabbing her arm. "¡Suelteme!" "What are you plotting? Moni didn't sleep in the neighborhood last night." "Have you checked the zoo?" "Stop with the jokes.
Beto is missing, too." "¿Roberto disappeared?" Now she's interested but time's awastin', He asks, Do you know where they are?" "I haven't the slightest idea." She bolts away and is gone.

Moni's ruminating. "Now I understand..."She's got most of the pieces and now she's quietly putting them together. She murmurs aloud but to no one in particular. Isabel looks on. Isabel feels obligated to explain,"He must feel terrible guilt. Don't blame him and don't get angry with him. He loves you very much and you are very fortunate to have him." OK, I'm confused. Maybe we have her all wrong. Or not.

Ximena helps Rolu get situated in bed. He's heavy. He wonders what he'd do without her. She asks about his trip to the Dr. Very depressing. He's stuck in the wheelchair for the rest of his life, but it doesn't matter as long as she's with him. She stays upbeat. Her care and pampering(apapachos) he will soon be recovering. She offers to massage his legs "todos los dias o sea every day, beginning now." she squeezes his legs and is impressed. His legs are very firm. He offers that it lots (chorros) and all those races. She looks at him smugly and accusatively, "Let's see how much feeling you have left."

Moni tells her that Mauricio and she will help her. She can hide in Mao's warehouse which is secret and well hidden. Not with those daily tours he's giving, Sweetheart. Even Jero knows about it. Whatever the problem, whatever she's running from, together they can overcome it. Isabel says she dreams of being able to hold her in her arms but it's too dangerous. Smiling, Moni insists,"Come wit me Mamá." Isabel looks exasperated.

Ximena tickles Rolu's feet saying, "Quiti, quiti, quiti." He remembers. He has another letter. "¡Oh Rolu!" He tells her to read it out loud. She takes it and begins to read,

"Bonita, as the days pass, all the marvels that are locked inside the beautiful human being that is you, never cease to surprise me. (she interrupts her reading and says,"I'm that human being, yopi?") I want to be infected with with all that you are, see life as you see it, live life as you do, and enjoy every moment of your companionship. I'm frightened by everything you make me feel because it's new to me. Help me shed this fear and allow me to be part of you because I'm beginning to see things with the tint of Ximena, with the aroma of Ximena, even my dreams become images of Ximena and nothing would please me more than for your life also to be filled with me."

Whoa! Nice work Arnie! She is extremely affected, turns and looks sadly at Rolu, then briskly walks out.

Since we're doing love letters, we join Arnie and Lalo downstairs where Arnie is reading Lalo's (authored by Ximy) latest letter. This is a bit steamy (strawberry daquis?) and Arnie is having trouble getting through it. Lalo listens expectantly and as Arnie concludes, he positions himself and puckers up for the appropriate reward.

Oscar and Jero are loitering in a parking lot awaiting the arrival of Coni. Oscar is certain that the clues will lead her here. Jero is not so sure. What if Mao ends up with the pictures? She is a woman after all. Coni approaches them from behind. She is fed up with their little game. "Where is the next envelope? Hand it over." "Impossible. They're already part of destiny." Oscar directs her attention across the parking lot." Look in patrol car number 012." Coni is livid. "Are you crazy? If the police find it, I'm done for."

Lalo is now chasing Arnie, bent on collecting a kiss. "Come into my arms, cherub." "I'm afraid." "Kiss me. Don't be afraid. Dare to discover love through my lips." "You probably haven't even brushed your teeth." " I rinsed my mouth (hicé buches) three times with orange-flavored mouthwash (enjuage bucal)." Hey so does Arnie. Lalo says, "That makes our lips medias naranjas." Arnie, "Help me!" Lalo, "Take me. I'm completely yours. I'm not asking for the moon, just a kiss." Arnie tumbles over the couch. Lalo stalks his prey. We crack up.

Back in the parking lot, Oscar is pointing out Cristian, who is about to cross the street with Paula. She's doing all the talking. She is worried about Moni. They enter the parking lot, walk to his patrol car, he gallantly opens her door, closing it behind her, once see is seated. As he enters the driver's side, He spots... you guessed it... a red envelope. "Qué es esto?" I just told you Sherlock, it's a red envelope.

Ximena intrudes on Lalo's and Arnie's game of chase. Both have paused to catch their breaths. Ximena thinks they're breathless from passionate kissing. Both deny and complain. Lalo is trying vainly to proclaim his feelings, "Mi corazón es tuyo, take it." Arnie on the other hand accuses him of stalking. Briefly, Arnie takes refuge behind Ximy, but after a short breather, the pursuit resumes.

Now Mao has invited Gabi into his inner sanctum. Lorenza had already left the hospital. We could have told them that. They both think it's strange. She is certain that this is Oscar's doing. "Do you think she was dismissed because of her sanity (cuerda)?" He tells her this is not a horror movie. She is certain that she is now in the clutches of a psychopathic killer... Oscar. Mao is worried about Moni. He calls Estrella on his cellular phone. Still no word of Moni. Gabriela thinks that if they are to find Moni, they must first find Oscar.

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. (My mom, que en paz descanse, used to say that in situations like this.) It's Moni. She grabs him and hugs him. He tells her that he's been worried. She smiles,"I know everything my love. Thanks for helping my mamá." And heeere's mamá! "Hola Mauricio."

Carlos

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