Caray, Caray!

This was a real blockbuster of a Casserole tonight, readers. André struggles with the news that he's HIV positive and lashes out at everyone. Fedra, herself an equal opportunity lasher, tries to kill Chema, goes to Plan B ( Gerardo,the helicopter assassin) when Lorenzo fails; convinces the latter he's committed incest by dallying with Kristel (way to ruin the moment, Fedra!) ; while Netty, an equal opportunity eyelash flutterer is batting those orbs at both Emiliano and Chema. Delicia gets a beautiful new bridal gown but Axel barges in once more to see her, thereby angering the Telenovela Destiny Gods who promise disaster for any groom who sees the bride before the wedding. And Kristel comes up empty once again. Her fallback position as a model for a lipstick commercial tanks when she refuses to kiss HIV-positive André.

And oh yeah....Ilitia really is pregnant.

We began with some pre-audition canoodling. Lorenzo is hoping to lure Kristel back in the sack before she finds out he really has no status or clout at the agency any more. Things are looking good as the smooches get hot and heavy and Kristel wraps her shapely leg around his backside.

Our more innocent lovers, Axel and De, are lamenting the desecrated gown. Until De decides that even if she has to marry Axel in her servant's garb, the wedding is the thing. No no no rumbles Emiliano, peeking in the door. We're going to buy you the most beautiful wedding gown ever.

Enter Ms. WetBlanket to chastise Kristel and Lorenzo and to threaten to call security if he doesn't vamoose and pronto. Kristel wheedles Vicky and Jorrible to keep her on (after all, Vicky owes her something after that dumped at the altar fiasco) and Jorge pleads Kristel's case.

Mientras tanto, Brandon wants to station Oliver outside Mauricio's room given his recent oxygen deprivation and long list of enemies. Trouble is, when they enter the room it's empty. Mau-Mau has escaped once again. Parents, lock up your maidens 'cause Rapey Snake's on the loose once more.

Back at the mansion, Fedra is lining up a gynecologist bribe to provide proof that Ilitia is pregnant. Tú te pones guapo y yo me ponga guapa” (you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours) and the deal is set. But she can't resist a little ragging on Ilitia for failing to seduce her own husband. So our Top Model explains about the rape the day of the wedding. Fedra actually seems deeply sympathetic, while ferreting out just who knows and who doesn't (Ammunition for later? You betcha.)

And at the agency, André broods and bristles as Doris tries to help. Kristel bounds in, plops on his lap, ready to seduce another available guapo male when Jackie arrives to label him a HIV carrier. Kristel is off the lap and spraying hair lacquer as an anti-viral agent faster than you can say Complete Idiot. And we sense that we have a long and prolonged PSA coming up.

Lorenzo packs up his office gear, yells at his secretary who informs him she no longer works for him and slaps him a good one. We see other secretaries giggling in the background. I'm guessing this scene gets deleted.(Actually no!) But it was fun to see a subaltern strike back.

PSA in the agency dressing room. Jorge is okay with firing André (this happened to a student of mine who was HIV-positive because his employer didn't want to pay the health care costs he was sure would be needed.) Vicky insists on keeping him, pronouncing that “What kills is not the disease but the rejection.” (I think we need to give the disease a little bit of credit after all, but whatever...) “No way am I working with this guy,” snaps Kristel. “Then YOU can quit. André can work here as long as he likes.”

So back to our innocents. Axel and De are at Netty's house now planning the bestest boda evah. Netty's fluttering, Emiliano is rumbling delightedly and the gals are soon off to pick out a new dress.

Oh my. The wardrobe folks have outdone themselves. Fedra's in some kind of Foreign Intrigue Slut Outfit. Slouch hat, plunging neckline showing not only the top but also the underside of her breasts (How much lower can we go until we're completely nude? Dark coat and those ubiquitous tights. A Killing in the Woods outfit, complete with assault weapon (don't ask me what kind) in a gun bag (funda). She's got Lorenzo in her sights which gives him pause. But no, it's only to check the damn thing's working before she hands it over to him. To kill Chema. The reason? “He's the man who raped Ilitia,” announces our fibby Fedra.

More PSA. Doris comforts. André rejects. Jaqui gloats when Jorrible announces that no model from any agency will work with André because the word is out he's HIV-positive. Doris volunteers to be the model since she KNOWS that the virus can't be transmitted through a kiss.

More drama at the hospital clinic. Eman is tired of waiting. Wants to go to another place. No way. Ilitia's not putting up her feet in the stirrups and spreading her top model legs for some strange man. Only her very own lifelong gynecologist (bribed by Fedra) will do. A woman doctor then. And guess what!? A wonderful woman doctor has just had a cancellation. Picking a protesting Ilitia up in his arms, Eman hauls her off to the exam. Very macho. We're on pins and needles. So is Ilitia.

More information sharing. Gretel has come to Vicky's office to tell her the mysterious José Maria Seville is part of Fedra's past and may be Emanuel's father. What's more, he could prove who Fedra really is! They don't need her father Luis Felipe's papers.

Back to Fedra's fun and games. Chema has arrived in the piney woods and is suspicious about the remote meeting place. Fedra chides him for always being so suspicious and paranoid (Genio y figura hasta la sepultura) and wildly flaps her Foreign Intrigue hat around as a signal for Lorenzo to shoot. Which he would gladly do, but faithful Bernardo tackles him first.

Jorge, chewing gum...yuck...is filming the long-lasting lipstick commercial with Doris and André dutifully smooching. Kristel, “en super buena onda” is pointing out it will be a big failure. Some third rate make-up artist and an HIV-positive model! D'ya think your clients will like learning that's who you did the ad with!?

The only one more disgusting at this point is André himself who dismisses Doris as an amateur, not worthy of his shabby talent. His life is over if he has to film with the likes of her. Doris calls him an oxygen-waster and boy is she right! I fail to see this guy's charm, bod or no bod.

Dreadful foreshadowing at the boarding house. Delicia descends the stairs in a lovely gown. Enraptured sighs by Netty and Emiliano. More sighs from Axel who's barged in and can't take his eyes off his bride-to-be. Netty tries to shield her while Emiliano and Axel chuckle about these silly female superstitions. You just KNOW Disaster is headed down the pike on this one.

And Disaster has already hit in the hospital clinic. Instant results. Ilitia nervous. Emanuel anxious. Reads the printout. He's stunned. She's stunned. "What!?" she shrieks in English. Tears of joy. And a little anxious eye-rolling. Did Brandon and I really use protection? All the time? Baaabeee, we're having a niño! Hugs. And more eye-rolling. And tears.

Some eye-rolling on my part too. Hope they cut this next scene out. Doris is still trying to comfort André and makes the mistake of saying she knows just how he feels. No she doesn't! She's just a hack makeup artist for corpses. She doesn't even belong in an agency with the likes of him and his crew. She begs him to keep working and start treatment. He snarls that he's not about to stick around and let people watch him fade bit by bit. He's a man who lives by his image!

Back to some other shallow people. Lorenzo Menso (Stoopid Lorenzo. Fedra's nickname) wants to know who Chema is really. Clearly he's not Ilitia's rapist. Fedra stalls.

And Kristel wails. Nereida brings her tea and the offer to be her Best Best Forever now that Ilitia has decamped. No way does Kristel wants the friendship of a “vil chirussa” (wretched maid) like her. But wah wah wah, she has nothing! No career. No Lorenzo. No best friend from birth. And now Ilitia's pregnant while she'll never have kids. This is “zero cool”. But wait. It gets better. Her cellphone rings and it's Mauricio with the news he's out of the hospital and ready to wreak vengeance on her.

Brief (thank God!) scene between Emanuel and Vicky. He tells her Ilitia is really pregnant. She tells him André needs his support. No, she can't say why. That's André's tale to tell.

But so.....expecting a baby! Boy or girl? Oh well. Too soon to decide but you'll be a marvelous daddy. Yes, but I won't give you up, insists Eman. “A marvelous dad is one who stays by his wife and child” sighs Vicky. And keeps the family together. We're over. I must forget you. (How many times have we heard that one?)

Back at the mansion, Fedra is incensed to find Chema lurking around the grounds. Heraus! * Chema still wants an explanation for the ambush in the woods. Was Juana Felipa Perez hoping to become his widow? Lorenzo, crouching in the bushes, overhears and gloats that he's got more dirt on Fedra. And Bernardo overhears our innocents planning their wedding and gloats that he can deep-six their happy dreams. Another Oh my, Oh dear, Oh crap moments for our young folks.

And on we go to the next chapter in our casserole. Fedra smirks to Chema that finally “se caer el veinte” (you finally figured out) Yes, she wants him out of the picture. He reminds her that when he found her she was selling her body for scraps of garbage and he turned her from a starving animal into a Woman. Right but now she's turned HERSELF into a Society Woman, thank you very much, so Heraus! with you. (I love how Fedra, who hardly copes with the Spanish language, throws in Italian and German whenever she feels like it.)

Ilitia visits Mom with the proof that she's pregnant and rubs a little salt in the wound concerning Muñeca's doubts about her veracity. Muñeca returns the favor by asking her if she's SURE nothing happened with Brandon in Acapulco.

And our sweet innocents De and Axel bicker over how many kids they're going to have. She says two. He says five. She has a presentiment something BAD is going to happen. So do we. And not with family planning.

So back to our Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Lorenzo gloats over the knowledge that Fedra was a hooker. She reminds him he was a kept man by Muñeca for many years....so what's the diff? He proposes a deal. Nope. Not money. He wants another opportunity at Kristel. He's willing to fight the whole world for her precious love and Fedra's going to hand her over to him on a silver platter.

Or is she?

Doris consoles Vicky when she learns Ilitia really is pregnant. Emanual moans about his mistakes with André until finally realizing his friend has a worse problem that he does. He echoes the sentiment that André needs to get medical help and also realize he can have long full life with proper treatment. André, still a jerk, just a jerk with a serious disease, blows him off and says he doesn't want his pity.

Back to our scoundrels. They are now having a marvelous bitch session over who loved whom more. Love!? No way. I helped you relax. I relieved the boredom of Emiliano. You NEVER loved me. If you had, you would have given me money, no questions asked, when I begged you, chuckles Lorenzo. Bernardo's more important to you than I am.

Fedra swears by “lo más sagrado”, whatever that may be, that she loved him just as much as she hated him. In Her Way. But yes, more than any other man I have ever cared for. But your fling with Kristel is an aberration. Think back to when we became lovers. Right after I returned from my honeymoon with Emiliano. OVER TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO. Did you think there were never any consequences to our dalliances? she intones. For the good of OUR DAUGHTER, you have to give up this sick relationship.

Lorenzo, stunned and nauseated, accuses her of lying. Look in my eyes, she commands. You can't touch her. You can't even look at her! She's your daughter.

Why now!? he wails. I tried to stop you before, she sniffs. Lorenzo wants proof. Fine. You have all my secrets in your hands. And if you want proof, sure. Get DNA testing. But don't let Kristel know. He agrees.

Ugh. Back to Vicky and Jorge. Same restaurant. But with dessert. He's chirping that now that Muñeca has asked him to manage her stock in the agency, he's sold his own agency in Spain. And will invest the profits in Fedra's planned holiday retreat. Cool huh? Just like Vicky suggested. I thought it was your idea, murmurs our boring heroine. Well whatever. I now own 30 percent and we'll get your dad's inheritance for you back. Snore. Dreary followup. She shares the news about Ilitia's pregnancy. He pretends to be sad. She claims she'll tear Emanual out of her heart. He pretends to believe her.

More fun with Fedra. Gawd she's a clever scoundrel. Ilitia's waving the positive pregnancy test in her face. Eman shoots real bullets alright. One tumble in the hay and she's pregnant. Fedra's not so sure it isn't a little cop offspring and if that Brandon shows up at the house....well, there'll be trouble. Cappici? More eye-rolling worries by Top Model. Did we use one every time? Did it slip? Did it break? Quick prayers to Diosito.. (Hardly the person to consult, but still....) Fedra grabs Ilitia's hairbrush and exits. DNA test problem solved!

Downstairs, grandfather Lorenzo is also chatting with God. Please Dios, don't let Kristel be my daughter. Fedra arrives with a hairbrush full of DNA samples and happily sends Lorenzo off to the lab, knowing he'll get a match. But promise me you'll always protect Kristel from knowing the dreadful truth, she fake pleads. And he agrees. Lorenzo Menso indeed!

Netty, in a red dress that leaves little to the imagination, is singing her heart out in La Buena Vida, while Chema respectfully listens. And at La Mala Noche (please take note of heavy-handed symbolism) Fedra, somewhat more covered up....in black.... is doing her usual leg swings and butt pats while the helicopter killer looks on with lustful delight. In case we still don't get it, Chema notes that Netty sings like an “angel”. Okay. Point taken.

Chema invites himself over to Emanual's table, says he wants to take him up on his job offer (Fidel agrees that they need an "encargado" at the new restaurant) and also requests that Eman “tutear” him, even though he's OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS FATHER. (Okay, did you get that?) Chema believes his life is starting over. Emanuel moans that he feels like his is ending. He's going to be a father. But he doesn't love his wife. Love for a woman begins and ends, opines the Capitán. But the love for a child is forever. And Chema would give anything not to have lost the child he was expecting with a woman long long ago. And who would that woman be? Because you knew MY mother many years ago, right, queries Emanuel.

Meanwhile, Mommy Dearest is working out another Chema assassination deal with Helicopter Boy. If you get this “stone out of my shoe” you'll be well compensated, promises Fedra. But if you don't manage to kill him dead, I'll pursue you to the very gates of Hell.

Emanuel is still gently grilling Chema. He knows so little about his mother. What was there between you? Well, the mother of my child was very different from your mother, hedges Chema. But you dig my mom, right? Well.....she is very pretty. But Destiny decreed that Fedra was not for me. And really, let's talk about the present, not the past. The past is very dark. And there are some rooms in the past that are better left alone. In fact, better yet, let's toast to the future, conclude José Maria.

That works for Emanuel. “Me caes bien” (I like you) and he thinks he and Chema can be good friends. And there we end. Another two-for-one casserole. Whew. What a mouthful.

Previews:
Eman tells Vicky they're meant to be together no matter what and plants a big kiss on her.
Fedra finds Vicky stress eating in the kitchen. Proof positive she's really just a thinner Marianela. Puts a knife to her throat and demands that she confess.

Vocabulary:
*heraus! = out! be gone!

encargado = manager
volver al redil = come back into the fold
cappici = Italian? for unnerstan', ya get it?
la vida es una rueda de fortuna = Life is a wheel of fortune (Lorenzo to Fedra)
amarrado a la pata de su cama = tied to the foot of her bed (Doris, saying what Ilitia wants for Eman)
la funda= dustjacket, sleeve, pillowcase, or cover (for a weapon)
te ves guapo en close-up = Fedra, to Lorenzo, as she gets him in her gun sights

Dicho of the Day
Fedra said it. Genio y figura hasta la sepultura. A leopard can't change his spots. Or simply, people never change.

Labels: llena