Caray, Caray!

Labels: fea

Well we begin with Gavi telling her mother how she lost the baby. I learned a new word ATROPELLO…meaning run over, as in I was….I like this word cause for some reason I think of airplane and yes Gavi certainly flew thru the air. She tells Clara how she was in a benefactor hospital, but the baby couldn’t be saved. She also explains how she ended up in a whore house in Paris, made her great escape, received help, made it to London…saw Rod, crossed the street and well as they say the rest is history.

Ma is muy impacted. Gavi tells her Ma that she is gonna have to basically harvest enough Agave in the next few days to cause cirrhosis to most of the Livers in the known world, so they can round up some serious dinero.
Isadora (TWB) comes out and gets the SUV from Hilario, who is washing it with one lame bucket of soapy water, TWB, takes off in the SUV and Hilario is left staring after her. SanJuana, or SanWanna all the timea, comes up and ask if he thinks the Senora is guapa? Hilario says she has the face of an Angel, wow I never even saw him look at her face.

Well TWB cruises to Tequila and proceeds to try and buy some Lobsters & shrimp, but all the locals are selling is Pescado (local fish). Here at the fish stand TWB hooks up with some middle age gossip monger, who is probably trying to put on the pretense of a higher social class. She is quite impressed when she finds out TWB is the heiress (should her uterus not be barren), to the Tequila fortune & wife of local hottie Rod. TWB touches the woman’s hand and the woman promises to hook her up with some lobster. Now the woman looks like she will never wash that hand again, geez you woulda thought she was touched by "Juan Soler" or something.

Back at the shanty house, Gavi tells her Ma good nite, then says her little prayers. Up at the main house, Rod is tossing and turning on a sofa, TWB is watching from the bed thru slitted eyes. Rod tosses this way, then that way, finally he is up looking out the window at the stars. If he was a Cat, I dub him Tom right now.

Morning has broken, TWB opens her eyes, Rod is already up and dressed and ready to face the day. Rod goes down for coffee with Roman; they are discussing that Gavi is already jimadoring again, when TWB comes down…Quick change subject, she is all mi amor, he offers her coffee, but no. She offers to go with him. To the fields? he queries. No No he tells her stay up here you would only get bored. He takes off and she has a conversation with Roman’s wife; she finds out that Rod is just like his dad Don Felipe and Gramps Don Amador..to make a long story short, Rod comes from a long line of boring dudes.

Rod is in hot pursuit of humiliating the worker folk, he stops off to grill Clara on why she let her daughter became a whore. Whoa there Dr. Phil, I think lil Gavi was over 18 and maybe if you would have left oh let’s say, a phone number or e-mail…anyway I digress. Clara lets Rod have it. She tells him Gavi was pregnant with his child, at first he scoffs, but she continues with how Gavi searched for him and saw him and then boom ATROPELLO-ed, well Rod looks a little skeptical then, he has his flashback to broken chick on the pavement…yep Dude it was Gavi, OMG, the tears do flow…he is just saying my child blah blah blah over and over, and at the same time he is thought bubbling AssHat, AssHat, AssHat or Sombero del culo, Sombero del culo, Sombero del culo. Personally I am back as a Rod’s Rangerette right now cause he sees his error and feels bad.

Meanwhile back at the big house TWB has once again taken off for Tequila (the town not the drink), there is something kinda scary tranny about her, she is wearing a very short skirt and some "Thigh High don’t you make me ask twice boots". SanIwannawannawanna is making up the bedroom. She does the whole perfume thing again, one squirt for the kisses, one for the hugs and one for the flies? I thought it said mosca? Correct me if I am wrong. Anyway that one was deep into her cleavage. I gotta say this SanIWannaWannaWanna is quite the piece of work, somehow I think if she was living in Amercia, she’d be collecting welfare on Junior while Jose, Juan & Pedro would all be giving her cash so she didn’t rat them out to immigration.

Now TWB is hooked up again with the head of the "Tequila’s Ladies Auxiliary", she has directed TWB to some awesome lobsters & shrimp, "Well thank Gawd" (said thru clenched teeth for that Martha’s Vinyard WASP accent), I swear if I had to eat anymore tacquitos I would simply retch. Yes TWB, bring some civilization to the uncivilized. It happens that our princess and her social climbing professional ass kisser happen by Ye Ole Studio of Scanty Clad Babes, it seems it is for rent.
Now PAK tells TWB a lil gossip about the Rodman, it seems he was seen a year ago all hot and bothered in the local Cantinas with a Jimadora….TWB asks PAK to find out the name. If she finds out the name TWB will touch her other hand.

Now when they were talking about the name…."GAVIOTA" is screamed out by Rod who is searching the fields for Gavi, wow it takes me a few seconds to recover from the HannaBarBara Anvil that just crushed my skull. Okay I can go on now, Rod is all running all over yelling Gaviota…Gaviota…the workers are just staring at him like he "jest lost his damn mind", Gavi who is like one Agave away is all like "Oh no you DI'INT". Now I gotta say this was my favorite part of the episode, cause I have had many a mundane job, where something like this would be Emmy winning entertainment…he is chasing her and she is running away, the workers are like still swinging their tools, but really they are hanging on every word. Rod is saying all how he knows about the baby, how she is the only woman for him, she is spewing back, you married, blah blah blah, he is like there is nothing between my wife and me…Oh do tell..I gotta wonder, do you think Tom Jefferson chased Sally Hemings around like that or they kept it up to the main house?

During this hormonal tempers are rising scene, TWB arrives back at the big house, she commands Hilario to unload the SUV, while she queries Roman about Rod’s wareabouts, Roman answers, "Oh down at the fields, why?" but ole Roman knows why and he takes off running for the fields, TWB jumps back in the saddle of the SUV and she is off.

Now Rod had grabbed Gavi and laid a mucho hawt beso on her, she rears back and smacks the crap outta him. Well deserved I must say (but the kiss was hawt, but she needs to smack him a little now), he goes to grab her again and Roman and a field guy jump in between. Roman is all Paul Revere and the British are coming, "Your wife is in hot pursuit"…

TWB had stopped the truck and taken off down a dirt furrow in her dominatrix boots, yeh strangely enough those stiletto heels don’t sink six inches down in the dirt. She catches up with Rod who by now is separate from Gavi, he is flustered that TWB has appeared, but recovers…yeah dude you married her. Gavi watches from between plants as the the two of them walk off, her arm slipped thru his. Gavi says that he is false and a liar, which I can’t fault her here, once again he is asking for it.

Meanwhile SanWannaWannaWanna is wanting it again and Hilario can’t resist her perfumed charms, so there is once again some barn action.

Now TWB, is happily dropping lobsters into boiling hot water, ewwww watch out Gavi, TWB is trying to prepare a feast for her non responsive husband. Roman’s wife is there and when SanIWanna walks by she picks up the odor of the perfume, she really doesn’t like the little skank and I doubt very much she wants the tramp with Hilario. Which leads to the next observation, Romas picks up the perfume odor on Hilario and he is all thrilled that Hilario is nailin that. Hello Roman, you know what they call parents like you? Grandparents!

Rod is back at the Tequila mill swiggin them down with James, he is between a rock (TWB) and soft Gavi, what is a rich stupid landowner to do? James tells him the answer is in his own hands.

Gavi is working really late and comes home, she is mad that Ma told Rod the truth, but Ma says Rod seems sincere, Gavi can only spew vile things about Rod and Mrs. Rod, and I gotta say, yeah I see her point, he did put the sombrero on again.

Rod slips into the bedroom of dead Grandfathers, it is romantically lit with candle lite, TWB, has pulled out all the culinary stops, yes her cowboy likes the champagne, the lobster…Rod is amicable enough….but TWB makes a fatal error, she questions him about the Jimadora…He says he isn’t hungry and bolts….

Gavi is having a sex dream…but it is about TWB & Rod…thunder claps…Gavi awakes, it is gonna be a long night.

Labels: Destilando

The episode begins right where Friday’s left off……Esmeralda and Almudena are talking about Esme’s pregnancy while Mariangel/Mangle listens outside the room. She’s very impactada and enojada. Esme and Dena talk about some pretty incriminating things…freeing Esme’s mother and Esme taking off to places unknown once her mother’s free. Esme tells Dena that she plans on sending word to Diego once she’s escaped. She’ll tell him then that she’s pregnant and she’ll tell him where she’s at so he can join her. This makes Mangle even angrier (más enojada).

Meanwhile, at Callao Prison, Montero and Fernando are in the midst of a deep discussion and unbeknownst to them, Zorro is literally hanging outside their window listening to their conversation. Monty tells FS that he is not willing to destroy his career to help Fernando. FS wants to know what is Monty’s price---is it money, power? What it is? Monty acts all righteous and says that he is offended. Fernando pulls out all the stops and tells Monty that he’ll tell him the truth about Sara Kali/Mercedes in exchange for Monty to not sell him out to the Viceroy (VCR). FS says he’ll even tell why the Crown wants to find her. FS says that Sara Kali is really Mercedes. She’s not a gypsy woman, she is Spanish. She is the daughter of a woman who disappeared years before. Mercedes is related to royalty and that there is a great reward to find her. This intrigues Monty. He asks about the mask? FS says don’t worry, it is paper mache and actually very light for her to tote around on her head. Monty says that the mouth flap looks ridiculous and FS says the whole idea behind the mask was, well, he really doesn’t say. OK, in reality all he could say about the mask was that it was a drastic measure (I’ll say, paper mache or not, hiding her face is just plain mean---but the mask isn't as drastic as say, THROWING your wife in PRISON!!!). FS tells Monty that Mercedes/SK is the heiress to a lot of money and there are people who are willing to prevent her from getting her hands on her inheritance. Monty asks about VCR, why is he after SK? FS says he’s looking for her because he wants to kill her. FS goes on to say that there is a pretty powerful noble behind the effort to locate SK, he can’t say who, but he’s VERY powerful. As an incentive to not tell VCR about SK in the prison, FS goes on to warn Monty that people who know about SK end up dead. At first I thought this was he’s way of saying that the VCR will use Monty to find SK and then have Monty killed once he knows SK’s exact location, but then FS reminds Monty about the VCR’s inspector. Since it was FS who killed that guy, I can only think that FS was giving Monty a not so thinly veiled threat, or maybe it was a mix of both---kinda like "if he doesn't get you, I will". Monty chooses this time to make his exit and Fernando stands at the window, muttering to himself (much better than inner dialogue because that way Zorro can hear it). He says that there is no way that Monty will get any of Mercedes’ money. He calls Monty an imbecile. I loved it.

Mangle has returned to the party, still angry. She grabs for a drink and here’s hoping this is the start of an alcoholism arch to the story….I can just see it now, it starts out as a way to numb the pain because she’s in a loveless marriage and sooner than you can say martini, she’ll start drinking before noon. She’ll become totally depended on the sauce to help her get through the day and all she wants to do is feel no emotion. Her only real friend is found in a bottle. And because she is such a hateful character, nobody cares enough to set up an intervention……well a girl can dream can’t she. OK, so she has one drink (it has to start somewhere, all I’m saying). She runs into Dena, and offers up a toast to their joint wedding. She finds Dolores and wants to know if she’s seen Diego anywhere. Dolores says no and Mangle orders her to find him (I actually think that's the last we see of Dolores, except for her tending to guests in the background, so she obviously doesn't give a fink what Mangle tells her to do).

Olmos finds Esme in the crowd at the reception. He tells her that SK was hidden from VCR and Esme’s glad to hear this. Olmos ends their tete a tete by telling Esme that if she does what he says, soon they will have SK free from prison.

Tobias and Catalina arrive at the party with the Maestro in tow. Esme sees the Maestro and wonders who he could be. Tobi tries to pass the Maestro off as his uncle and wants no one to know that the Maestro is a fencing instructor. Meanwhile the Maestro is like any good wedding crasher, he’s taking advantage of the free eats---stuffing his face with whatever he finds. Tobi is concerned and warns him to not over indulge, he’ll explode. Then with some wonderful onomonopiea he tells him his stomach will go boomba, boomba, boomba.

Olmos, who knows that Tobi had sent away for the Maestro, gets Mangle aside and tells her that soon he’ll be able to fulfill a promise he made to her. Mangle wants to know what promise (he's apparently made a few to her, I guess) and Olmos tells her that she’ll soon know Zorro’s true identity. He fills Mangle in on the Maestro’s background. Mangle tells Olmos to not let them catch Zorro. She orders Olmos to buy their (Tobi and Maestro) silence. She insinuates that Olmos will get a piece of her if he is a very good boy. She caresses her bosom with a rosebud to make her point.

Outside Callao Prison, VCR is in his carriage, ready to leave when we are treated to a wonderful gymnastic display from Zorro. He’s doing back flips and vaulting off of the carriage. It is very impressive (the Columbian Judge gives him a 10, but the Russian Judge only a 9.8, and the French Judge, well, he only gives a 9.0). Zorro takes the opportunity to put the tip of his sword to the VCR’s neck and orders that the soldiers stand down. Zorro wants a little bling and has the VCR hand over his gold chain (cadena de oro---at first I thought he said leon de oro and I thought wait a minute, that's from La Fea). VCR takes the time to get to know Zorro better, he asks him “so what do you do?” (good interpersonal conversation technique to get someone to talk about themselves---it really opens up conversation). Zorro says that his job is to protect the weak of Los Angeles from the injustices done by Commander Montero and Governor Sanchez. VCR asks if Zorro is responsible for the murder of his inspector. Zorro says no he’s not, but he knows who is. He points at Montero (more Monty than FS, but both were in the same general direction). We are then treated to a little rock ‘em sock ‘em robot action between Zorro and the soldiers. I would like to take this time to ask why none of these soldiers seem to be carrying a pistol or any other firearm? Anyway, Zorro pulls out some nifty stuff from his bag of tricks, he’s got smoke bombs (which look a lot like the picture of the bombs on the Stratego game pieces---now there’s a game I haven’t played in ages). He throws them down and in the confusion of the smoke, he makes it up to the rooftop (we don’t get to see any more gymnastic routines-bummer). With a wave to the soldiers he’s off.

OK now it is opening credits….a lot happened in that first segment.

At the nunnery, Sister Supplicios/Psycho Sister/ Nutty Nun is in line to get food. She causes quite the stir when she asks for a full plate of food. She’s not getting her usual order of broth. Then she tells the other nuns she’s going to eat in her room. Now, this seems like some classic bulimic tell tale signs, but we’re back in Spanish Los Angeles and they haven’t seen the afterschool special about this, so it causes nothing but a "how strange" from the other nuns. In fact, the thing they are most shocked about is that Nutty wasn’t grouchy with them. Back in her room, Camba (?) is still in the towel, hiding under Nutty’s bed. She gives him the food and he just digs right into it. She talks about how pure Camba looks----I think his eyes are kinda like a puppy. Nutty starts a little soliloquy about how God hasn’t listened to her, how she’s a bad person who sought refuge in the convent and all she wants is to find help. She cries on Camba’s shoulder.

Over in the rectory, Padre Tomas and the Cardinal are having a little chat about Maria Pia while PT whittles away on a pretty elaborate crucifix. They rehash what has gone on with MP taking a break from the sisterhood. TC asks if PT thinks MP is in love with Fernando. PT says he thinks she’s in love with the memory. TC, thinking only about how this might impact him, asks who will be mother superior if they lose MP. PT says give her time. TC but if she doesn’t come back around he’s got some ideas on what traits the new MS candidate will have to have. Surprisingly, he doesn’t start his list with - she most not still be in love with a man who she was going to marry years before. Instead he says the new MS will have to be firm with the nuns and some other unimportant (to me) traits. For some reason, which I wasn’t able to figure out, this segment ends with PT having a very concerned look on his face. Perhaps he doesn’t like TC giving up on Maria Pia so quickly, I don’t know.

Zorro/Diego returns to the Bat Cave. He meets Bernardo and fills him in on what’s happened—the VCR is trouble and he (Diego) needs to talk to Esme. We are only given a brief rehash, I can only assume that he’ll be rehashing in greater detail later. Diego tells Bernie that he knows his father has been wondering where he disappeared to, but he really needs to talk to Esme. Diego tells Bernie to go get Esme and bring her up to his room and to also find some compresses (Did he get injured while he was performing his acrobatic feats!!! No puede ser!!).

After commercial break, we see Diego in his bed (fully clothed, bummer) with a compress on his head. Alejandro enters with Bernie and Diego fakes being sick. He asks Diego what’s wrong. Diego tells him that he aches to his bones, his head hurts and he believes he has a fever. Just like parents throughout time have been able to detect, Al isn’t falling for this fake illness. He tells Diego that Mangle has been looking for him. Diego tells him to have Dolores take Mangle to the room that was prepared for both of them, Diego will remain here in his old room. Al asks if Diego if he’ll be sleeping with Mangle. Not tonight, Diego answers. Al decides that now is the time to give Diego the birds and the bees lecture, but with an unique twist. Al tells Diego that he has certain obligations as a husband and that if he doesn’t sleep with Mangle, she’s going to be hurt. He goes on to say that he knows Diego married her to keep up the de la Vega name and honor, but he has to take care of the ladies (that's right, Al knows all about takin' care of the ladies). Diego listens, but then asks Al not to send Mangle to take care of him. Al agrees and leaves and Diego sends Bernie to get Esme. After Bernie leaves, Diego says he’s going to make Mangle regret that she married him (he didn’t say this meanly, just matter of fact).

Downstairs, Maria Pia and Dena review the recent events in MP’s life. MP tells Dena she’s decided to get her life back, the time she lost with Fernando because she “mistakenly” accused him of something he didn’t do. So she’s decided to give FS another chance. Dena says, look I know he’s my brother but are you sure you know what you are doing? MP says that Fernando wants to change, she knows he has a dark past, but he’s willing to change and she’s willing to give him a chance. I just think that if it is his own sister warning you, perhaps that should be a red flag, just a thought (and I like Fernando).

The VCR is scolding Fernando and Monty about being robbed by Zorro right in front of them. He is disgusted that all of those soldiers were unable to do anything to stop Zorro and they let Zorro get away---cut them some slack, he had smoke bombs for Pete’s sake!! The VCR whines about his stolen necklace and then rehashes that Zorro indicated that Monty and Fernando were the one’s responsible for the inspector’s death. The VCR is so angry, he tells Monty that he’s decided to stay and run Callao Prison (talk about micromanaging). He’s going to have his secretary review the prison accounts and records. He asks to speak to Monty alone. He tries to get Monty to crack and repeats his offer of power and prestige in exchange for SK. Monty tells him that there is no woman in Callao. VCR tells him he knows he’s lying. Oh yeah, VCR says, your men best find Zorro ASAP, because if my men find him first I’m going to appoint him to be the new military commander. This does not make Monty happy….and in Los Angeles, if Monty isn’t happy then no one is happy.

The soldier that Olmos paid off (can't remember his name, but he has curly hair--if that helps) sends a lot of food into SK’s sewer (gross, just even typing the sentence makes me want to hurl). He tells her that’s going to have to keep her and Hermes for awhile, they need to keep her hidden longer, so make the food last. He starts to mortar up the sewer opening.

Mangle and Cat are talking about nothing, pretty much nonsense. Mangle sees Bernie get Esme’s attention and her leave. Mangle walks away from Cat, because they weren’t saying anything of importance and starts to follow Esme. Dena stops her. The two women rehash some about the Mangle-Diego-Esme triangle. Dena tells Mangle to stop playing the role of victim, they both know she worked it so Diego was forced to marry her. Mangle whines some about Esme and how Diego refuses to forget her. Mangle makes some rude comment about Esme and Dena tells her enough. Mangle is angry that she doesn’t even get the support of her own family (you get what you give, sister).

Bernie leads Esme to Diego’s room. She enters and Diego has eyes just for her. Bernie has to knock on the door several times to get Diego’s attention. They agree that Bernie will stand as lookout and he’ll knock on the door three times for a warning. Bernie leaves and closes the door and Esme and Diego end up in a passionate kiss (YIPPEE!!!! this and Fernando and Lety on La Fea in one night, I’m a happy camper). The couple exchange loving words and then Diego tells Esme about what he heard outside the window. He says that SK is related by blood to the Spanish Crown. Esme can’t believe it. Diego says that he has no idea if FS was telling Monty the truth, but he thinks it all makes sense. He warns Esme not to do anything dangerous.

Down in the now enclosed sewer, Hermes and Sara Kali have a little fire going, where they got the wood and matches is anyone’s guess. Besides, a fire in an enclosed space doesn’t seem to be the safest thing, but I digress. Hermes has found a nail and he’s going to pick the lock on SK’s mask. I don’t think he’ll have too much difficulty because I’m sure the lock is also made of paper mache.

Back upstairs, the VCR is gone and Pizarro fills Monty and Fernando in on what they’ve done to keep SK hidden. Fernando tells the men that as long as they take care of Mercedes, they’ll be taken care of (but we know differently, don’t we).

At casa de los de la Vega, Al and Maria Pia are having a brother/sister chat. Al is happy to see that MP is happy. She’s happy because her life is on a new course. Al questions if her new path is due to love? Dena interrupts to tell Al that it appears that Monty is coming. She pulls Al aside and tells him that Diego and Esme are meeting upstairs. Al tells her to go warn the couple and he’ll hold off Monty. Dena heads to Diego’s room and passes on the warning. Diego and Esme linger a bit with their goodbyes. Dena tells Esme she’s got to be careful with Monty and suggests that Diego remain upstairs to avoid running into the man. Diego tells her that he’s capable of being a gentleman.

Esme and Dena go downstairs. Al tells them Monty hasn’t arrived yet. Al and Esme exchange some complimentary words---it’s a mutual admiration society meeting. Esme asks Al to take care of Dena and Al tells Esme that she’ll always be part of their family (if he only knew the full extent).

Mangle runs out to meet Monty’s carriage, Fernando’s with him. Monty tells his soldiers to stand guard and Fernando leaves to go into the hacienda. Pizarro follows him inside. He (Piza) runs into Tobi right away and Tobi introduces him to the Maestro. Pizarro is shocked that this man is the illustrious Maestro. At this precise moment, the Maestro has developed some digestional problems and needs to leave.

Outside, Monty and Mangle are alone. They share a passionate kiss. Monty wants to take things further because he wants the thrill of having Mangle first on her wedding day, before Diego gets a chance (funny thing about that Monty, Diego will never lay a finger on her, so there is no rush). Mangle gets Monty to stop. She tells him she’s got some news regarding his wife that will either wreck his night or make him very happy—it depends on him. CUE MUSIC/ CREDITS

Labels: Zorro

In the barn Soledad is doing some ugly crying, blaming herself for Elias getting shot. I agree, Soledad, it is totally your fault. If you didn’t keep recapturing YOURSELF until they got smart enough to lock your escape hatch this wouldn’t have happened. She roams around the barn yelling and screaming about it. Whatever. It’s her own fault, I feel no pity.

Rosita tells Alina that she (Rosita) has a problem too. In typical woman fashion (sorry ladies but as best I can tell, this is a total woman move) Rosita says he has a problem and in the next breath tries to say “never mind, don’t worry about it, no big deal.” It usually goes like this – Woman: “Siiiiggghhh.” Poor unsuspecting man: “Something wrong?” Woman: “No, nothing, never mind.” Man: “Oh, ok.” Woman: kills man for not seeing through her little scheme and begging to know what’s wrong. The end. Anyway, Rosita tries to pull this on Alina, but Alina falls for it and pushes to get some info. Rosita 1, Alina 0. Alina fell right into her little pity party snare. Rosita says Santos is off doing something else, she’ll handle whatever it is herself. She tells Alina to have faith, Alina ponders the nature of faith.

Oh we’ve been waiting for this! Don Loco is making out with Alfonsina and sees a vision of Soledad over her shoulder. I had to rewind, yes it’s true, Alfonsina was sliding down to get on her knees when Don Loco sees Ghost Soledad. That’s a bit racy for this show, huh? Is he about to feel some guilt? Wouldn’t that be something! Ghost Soledad just gives him a dirty look, shakes her head, and disappears again. Don Loco pulls Alfonsina back up to her feet, she is confused. I can understand why, it’s probably the first time in history a man has stopped a woman from doing THAT. I would think it would take like a hurricane, earthquake, something more than a guilty vision of Soledad. Who are we to understand the ways of Don Loco.

Coral is talking to some old guy, she says she’s dancing in some place and she wants him to come see her. He says his health isn’t good so who knows. But he has a question, will she marry him? After him saying he’s not healthy enough to go see her dance, I would expect the answer to be no. Coral squinches up her face as if to say, “WTF?”

Mexico City – Mariana is grunting. Dr. Love enters and Malena asks when she’ll get better. Dr. Love says soon, Mariana is strong, etc etc. Malena accepts this as the word of God and says, “You hear? You’re going to recover! You have to!” Mariana just makes noises and bugs her eyes out. Maybe she is thinking “This asshole lied to me about Marianita’s chances of recovery, don’t you think he might be painting an extra rosy picture here too?” Malena, of course, believes that Dr. Love knows all and is all. Something about Mariana and her new bugeyes remind me of Rachel Dratch of Saturday Night Live:

That’s what Mariana looks like now, right? Anyway, she doesn’t seem to be buying Dr. Love’s statement.

The guy with Coral is named Celso, but I still don’t know who he is. She thinks she didn’t hear him right, he says yes, he wants to marry her. He gives her some story about coming here every day and finally one day he saw her, what he was looking for. Also, he’s dying. She says everyone dies, he says no, he’s dying, like right now he is actually in the process of dying. How is this supposed to make her want to marry him? No idea.

Rosita’s father gives Santos’s hottie mom a cup of coffee and does a great job of not staring at her chest. Hottie mom is wearing a shirt with (for her) a high neckline, first time I’ve seen that. Rosita comes in and Braulio leaves the women alone to talk. Rosita tells hottie mom that she can relax, she told Santos they won’t get married. Hottie mom says she was wrong before, she came her to tell Rosita that she wants Rosita and Santos to get married, they love each other, hottie mom had no right to interfere. How many times is this wedding going to be on/off? Let’s see – Santos demands to marry immediately, Rosita says no. So that’s an off, without ever having been on officially I think. Santos finally comes back after the rape and it’s on again. Then Rosita told him it was off. Now it’s about to be on again. Cripes. Rosita may be thinking what I’m thinking, she doesn’t look like she wants to go right back to Santos and say “Uh, about what I said like five minutes ago, never mind. Heh heh.”

Old guy Celso keeps going on and on about dying and marrying Coral. She tries to let him down easy, but he cuts her off and says she can answer later.

Angel coughs. Surprisingly, I have had to wait for a long time to write that again. What a great name for a book, show, movie, whatever. Angel coughs. He is looking at the church, Emilioooo asks him if he wants to go get something to eat, Angel says no. He wants to go pray for his own health, newly pious Emiliooo is of course all about praying now so he agrees.

Vera tells Alina that it will all work out. Careful Alina, that’s what people say when they don’t really believe it. Thelma busts in and kicks Vera out of the room, telling Alina “You and I are now alone.”

Angel and Emiliooo pray. You can guess what about, same old stuff. Health and Alina.

Thelma teases Alina about how all her protectors have left the house. She says that Emiliooo told her before he left that he didn’t want to be with Alina anymore. “That’s what he told you too, right?” Alina tries to ignore her but Thelma grabs her and says she has to look her in the eye when she’s talking. Alina says don’t worry, she’s getting out of here anyway. Thelma says where are you going, back to the cave? Maybe the whorehouse? Maybe to have an aventure with a caporal, like your mother? Alina slaps her pretty good and hard across the face, Thelma calls her estupida, so Alina smacks her again. Wow that was pretty cool. Alina the mouse actually let something out. I rewound it to watch again, Alina hit her first with a left, then with a right. Awesome. It’s about time. Well, I’m sure in five minutes she’ll be whining and crying again, telling herself that she has to forget Emilioooo and how Angel is such a great guy but she doesn’t like him ‘that way.’ After smacking Thelma around, she tells her “You better watch what you say.” Thelma actually looks a little scared. I expected her to look at Alina with unbridled rage, then whip out a bat and go DeNiro on her, but she actually looked scared. I guess she was expecting Alina the mouse as well.

Commercial – I have never watched ‘Asi es la Vida’; my wife says it’s just week after week of stories of people cheating on each other, so I’m not interested in that. However – I LOVE the commercials. Every one is full of bikini/underwear babes. Every single one. Today’s commercial even had a 4-5 woman swimsuit car wash thing. These commercials are great. Then later the same break, there is a commercial for a phone number to call and pay per minute to hear celebrity gossip. What? All 250 gossip rags won’t satisfy some people? You have to pay .99 a minute (or whatever it costs) just to hear random gossip about random people?

Alina tells Thelma that she told her before not to diss her mama, well she backed that up. Good for her. I won’t call her stupid for the rest of this recap in honor of her smacking up Thelma. Thelma tells her that she’s going to pay dearly. In fact, Alina won’t leave, she will stay and work off what she owes Thelma (how do you calculate how much work equals two awesome smacks in the face?). Thelma swears, over and over, that Alina will be sorry.

Rosita is sweeping and sees something in the shadows, she freaks out and wants to know who it is. It’s Santos, he apologizes for scaring her. He still wants to marry her, she tells him that he’s so good with her, but she won’t cave in and just say yes. Santos has to resort to begging, she finally says yes and they start kissing. Just then Max rides up, looking extra evil with a smoke in his mouth, and says “Ah, how sweet you look, too bad it’s for such a short time.” Santos and Rosita are impactados. Has anyone else noticed how Rosita has a permanent furrow in her brow like she’s worried? Even when she’s smiling, she has half a worried face going on.

Gasca/New Hugo is now the one making out with Alfonsina. Do you think this actress sees some of the younger, hunkier guys on the show and then realizes that the ones she gets to make out with are Don Loco and Gasca? Do you think she fired her agent over that? It would be like (to make it relevant I’ll use a good example for you ladies) Guy Ecker being on this show and only getting love scenes with the crazy Singing Aunt and Adela. Alfonsina tells Gasca that Don Loco is sick and can’t forget about Soledad. Gasca starts talking about how she can take a little bit of the massive amounts of money Don Loco has, Alfonsina says to just leave it to her.

Santos tells Max that he and Rosita are getting married, Max can’t do anything about it. Max says be careful, you might have an accident! Rosita tells Max she remembers what he did to her, and mentions how she left a cut on his chest. Max says she should keep her mouth closed. I see now how the truth can come out. It will take months, but it will come out.

Alina talks to Donkey, she wants him to stay with her tonight, she’s scared of Thelma. Oh jeez here we go again. “I have to stay here for my mom.” These two women have not escaped a total of 23948 times because they ‘have to stay for mom/Alina.’ I said I wouldn’t call Alina stupid today but does she have to test me like this? In the next breath, she says she needs to get far away. So are you going to go or not?

Luba and Gaspar are walking, she is ragging on him about everything, they find Elias laying apparently dead by the path. Carmel, good one yesterday saying that Luba could fix him right up, well here she is! How fortunate! Gaspar tries to touch him and Luba smacks his hand away. Is she trying to preserve the crime scene until Horatio gets here to dramatically take off his shades and say, “Looks like he took…a SHOT.”

Rosita’s dad is glad that Santos and Rosita are getting married, the couple looks at each other with googly eyes. The couple is going to leave this place, her father is going to stay here. Rosita then tells Santos that with everyone gone, now is their chance to help Alina escape.

Gaspar starts yelling that Elias is dead. Luba says he’s moving, he’s alive, Gaspar picks him up to carry him back to the cave.

Alina talks to Donkey some more. She says she needs to escape on her own, not wait for someone else. How sensible! She makes plans for about 2 seconds, then gives up because she doesn’t have any help or money. Someone turns the doorknob, Alina looks back but we don’t see who it is.

Don Loco has a drink and talks to himself. Blah blah Soledad blah blah. He throws his glass down on the floor and shatters it.

Thelma rants to her singing aunt about Alina. Thelma vows to humiliate Alina. SA tells her to be careful, because Emiliooo… Thelma screams at her that Emilioooo isn’t here! I get the feeling that Thelma said something stronger than that she was going to humiliate Alina but I’m not sure what exactly.

Emiliooo stands and watches Ifgenia (-a? that’s what the captions have) load their stuff into a taxi. They had to come this far to catch a cab. If the haciendas are so remote and there are no decent roads, how did those houses get built? Ifgenia finishes loading the car and asks Emiliooo how long he will be gone, Emilioooo says it could be weeks or months. Emilioooo dramatically takes out he heart necklace and looks at it, and says “Goodbye Alina.”

Donkey is barking his head off at Orlando, who apologizes for not knocking. He says Emiliooo left him in charge of Alina, she can count on him for whatever she may need. Stup- argh Ican’t call her that today--- Alina is still falling for his nice guy act. She tells him she doesn’t need anything, he’s being really pushy. She says no, nothing, I’m fine, leave me alone already, but thanks for the attention. He reminds her again, for some reason, that he’s there to help her with whatever she needs. He wants to be friends. He leaves. Stu-DAMMIT WHY MUST SHE TEST ME--- Alina thought bubbles “Will he REALLY help me with anything I need?”

Rosita, Santos, and Vera are begging Mexican Larry for help in setting Alina free. He is worried about what will happen when Emilioooo returns. Even Vera tells him that they can’t leave Alina here with Thelma. Mexican Larry finally says ok and asks about their plans. They seem to have worked out the plan between Rosita’s house and here, they are going to do it all tonight, and Soledad will get sprung free too.

Mariana Dratch bugeyes and twitches. Dr. Love has a ball in her hand, or is it a new red clown nose? He says on the count of three, squeeze. He counts to three and nothing happens, he closes her hand around the ball himself. Mariana thought bubbles about how she can’t move anything, she’s pissed off about everything. Well, I can understand that, but she only has herself to blame for the paralysis part. She asks herself, “Where is Jose?” How very nice of both Malena and Dr. Love to not tell her that Jose was here!

Some guy named Lucas says Celso is loco, but she should marry him anyway, for the money. Maybe change her name to Anna Nicole then too?

Gasca is tired of taking care of what isn’t his. He looks at a big portrait of Don Loco on the wall and says nasty things to him. Why is there a big picture of Don Loco on the wall? What the hell? Gasca issues all sorts of threats to the air, then we hear, “Talking to yourself, Hugo?” Don Loco was standing there in the room right behind him!

Two highway guys are at Elias’s house, trying to figure out where he is.

Alina skulks around the house looking for help to escape. How about the front door? Vera finds her and takes her to her room to talk.

Don Loco sweats Gasca a bit. DL says he heard Gasca send him a blessing, thanks for that. Gasca thinks he got away with it and says Don Loco has been more than just a boss to him, so of course. He tries to make small talk, Don Loco looks constipated as usual. DL starts talking about how awesome his romps with Alfonsina are, Gasca sweats and twitches. DL goes on and on and on, she would drive a man crazy, no? He really lays it on, Gasca tries to keep himself together.

The doctor is in the cave, he pulls out the bullet from Elias’s shoulder and Luba covers the wound. The doctor says Luba’s herbs are enough to heal him, he has seen them work before. He just wonders who shot him. Gaspar says there are bad people around here, Luba says she knows that whoever shot him was from the house of Montellano. The doctor needlessly warns her against messing with those people. Luba tells Gaspar that her worry is that Soledad is still in the hands of Don Loco. She goes to find out more, leaving Gaspar in charge of Elias. Luba goes and touches the mysterious box before leaving. She is barely out the door when Gaspar runs over to look at the box, he says now he’s going to see what’s in there.

Vera tells Alina that everything is ready to get her out of there. She asks, what about my mom? Vera says not yet, they’ll get Alina out first, then figure something out for Soledad. Alina accepts that, but of course later on, when she’s finally free, she’ll change her mind and come back to jail, “I can’t leave my mom there.” Alina tries to asks about details, Vera tells her she has it under control.

Soledad pouts and feels sorry for herself. She whines that if she died it would be ok, but not Elias. Well, dumbass, it’s your fault, pray all you want.

Gaspar makes to open the box. Suddenly he stops, realizing that his mother would kill him if he opened it He puts it back. Sometimes ol’ Gaspar thinks better than he realizes.

Adela is riled up, she is talking to who I assume is the new Nora. I miss the old Nora, this one isn’t as pretty. Oh well. Adela gets herself all fired up to go sic the cops on Sergio, but Sergio himself shows up just in time to stop her from leaving. She claims that she just needs to go out for some air. Sergio doesn’t believe her (duh). He threatens Adela, Nora pulls her free and the women leave the room. Sergio grumbles to the empty room about what he has gotten himself into.

Thelma is in the stable, she finds a nice riding crop, I expect that she’s going to try and whip Alina with it. Wait, there is a bunkbed there, is this a servant’s quarters or something? Whatever, Thelma starts practicing, whipping the hell out of the bed with the crop. Castulo, conveniently shirtless, happens to wander by and grabs her to stop her. She smacks him to get free but he doesn’t let her go. She makes threats about something, then we hear a voice calling for Castulo. Castulo says it’s Don Max. He puts his hand over Thelma’s mouth to keep her quiet, he says he’ll take care of it. I’m confused. It’s not like he kidnapped Thelma and brought her here or anything, what’s with the mystery?

Sergio is riding his horse, he stops and ties it to a tree. He takes a shovel and walks over to where he left Elias, but of course there’s nothing there. He freaks out. Where did the rug go? Did some wild animals drag it off to decorate their cave?

Ah, this must be Castulo’s room, it looks different than what I remember. Thelma is hiding behind a door while Castulo acts casual outside. Now I understand why Castulo didn’t want Max to know she was here. Max asks the obvious question, why don’t you have a shirt on? Castulo says it’s hot. Max tells him to put on a shirt, then do some other stuff, yada yada, Castulo stands up and shows off his nice fingernail scratch scars, right across his chest. Don Max is impactado, he stares at Castulo’s chest and thought bubbles what Rosita told him earlier about leaving a cut on her attacker. Castulo, on the other hand, might be thinking “Why is he looking at me that way? AH! THAT’S why never got married!” They continue to stand there like a couple of pendejos as we go to commercial.

Don Max asks him how he got cut on the chest. Castulo says something about a horse, Max grabs him by the neck and accuses him of being the rapist. Castulo says nothing, behind the door Thelma is getting an earful. She doesn’t look quite as impactada as I would have imagined, perhaps the fact that she had sex with Gaspar, tried to kill Angel (more than once), and is planning to horsewhip Alina keeps her from being shocked by this sort of thing.

Luba visits Soledad, talking to her through a window of the barn. Soledad tells Luba that Sergio shot Elias, Luba says Sergio is the dirty rotten scoundrel who did this? Soledad is confused, she doesn’t know how Luba knows anything about it. Also – this window has crossbars made of balsa wood. Elias couldn’t have attached THAT with his mighty +1 pickaxe of excellent escaping? No, he has to go after the one part of the barn made of steel. Soledad herself could just kick out this window and be on her way. Oh wait, I forgot – she doesn’t want to escape, she has SESID. Luba tells Soledad that Elias is still alive and is in the cave. Soledad begs her to save him. Luba says she will.

Don Max beats up Castulo. Max hits and kicks him, yelling that he knew that Rosita was the girl he liked and then he did that. Maybe that is our motive – Castulo wanted to stick it to Don Max, so he raped the girl he liked. Castulo tries to say he didn’t do it, but Max tells him to leave and never come back. Max leaves. Thelma slaps the crop against Castulo’s neck and says that now she has something on him, so he can forget the jewels. I guess she was going to pay him blackmail, now she doesn’t have to. She tells him to leave, adding “me das asco.”

Emiliooo and Angel are back in their own house in Puebla. Angel says he wants to go to bed so he can call the doctor early to see if he can get an appointment. He wants to get better as fast as possible so he can go back to La Rinconada and ask Alina to marry him. Snoooorrrre. This part of the story has gotten way lame. Let’s get back to the lying and blackmail, that was much more interesting. If you can’t tell, I hate the show much less today, at least until we get 30 seconds of people moping about Alina, then I hate it fully once again. I appreciated the break though. Anyway, after Angel said that, Emiliooo huffs that he’s going to put away the luggage. Angel says you look so serious, what’s the deal? HELLO you idiot you keep going on about marrying Alina, even though all the men in SE get hot in the pants at the mention of her name. Haven’t you figured that out yet? Well, this is the same guy who doesn’t seem to figure out that his sexy nurse comes to work every day one step away from naked just for him. He’s an idiot. Emiliooo comes back into the room like he’s going to answer Angel’s question, but he doesn’t, he just stands there with the same look he always has.

Don Max grumbles about Castulo. Mexican Larry walks up leading a horse, he claims to be taking out the trash. Max says the women do that, ML says Vera’s back hurts. He talks way too much, a sure sign of lying. Max looks suspicious but leaves Mexican Larry to take care of his business. Max grumbles that everyone is useless. After he leaves, Donkey starts barking from the wagon behind the horse (I guess he’s the garbage) and ML whispers for him to be quiet.

Thelma, still with the riding crop, is back in her room scheming with Singing Aunt. She’s going to move Alina back to slave quarters. SA doesn’t want to be part of it, but Thelma tells her to come.

Mexican Larry walks the horse and wagon down the path in the dark. He calls for Santos, who tells Alina they are finally leaving. When there is light on the wagon again, we see Alina and Santos riding in the wagon too, all smiles.

Thelma enters Alina’s room, which is empty. She still has the riding crop, ready for some whipping. She whips the empty bed out of frustration since Alina isn’t there.

Angel asks Emilioooo again what his problem is, Emilioooo tells him that he doesn’t want to talk about Alina, so eat your dinner and go to sleep. After Emiliooo leaves Angel says he hopes that Emilioooo and Alina forget about each other. If he hadn’t apparently grown up so sheltered, he’d realize how stupid that sounds.

Thelma whines and worries about the fact that Alina escaped. She screams for the servants and demands to know where Alina is. They play innocent, she doesn’t buy it. Orlando manages to show up too. Thelma tells Vera to get everyone together, Vera runs off to comply. Thelma tells Orlando that if anyone helped Alina escape, they will be sorry.

We finally get to see Coral in action a little bit. Only about 3 seconds, but still. After she dances, she tells Viejo Celso that she will marry him. Is she really in it for the money? I don’t remember hearing about when this story started, I don’t know what’s going on. Celso says that after this he can go in peace. Does he feel bad? No, he says he feels fine. This guy is morbid.

Everyone is together in the living room trying to figure out how Alina escaped. Max says that he was by the door a long time, the only person he saw was Mexican Larry taking out the trash. None of these fools puts two and two together. Orlando says, “where can she be?”

The escapees find a campsite where they will leave Alina. She’s worried that she won’t be safe there, but Santos will stay with her. Here we go – she starts going on about trying to find her mom. I told you all, I told you.

Soledad prays for Elias’s life, Sergio busts into the barn and says he just wants to know if Elias came to see her.

Gaspar gives Elias something to drink, Elias has a fever. Elias starts mumbling something about Soledad and Elias.

Mexican Larry and Santos convince Alina to stay in the cave, even she is starting all her crap about going back for her mother again. Santos goes outside to stand guard.

Sergio demands the truth. Soledad says how can he ask that, Elias is dead, by him! Sergio says he was mistaken, he didn’t kill him. Soledad asks what? Sergio says never mind, whatever, but if Elias is around when Don Loco returns, DL will kill him.

Don Loco smokes after a romp with Alfonsina. She compliments him on being such a tiger. He questions her about being with other men, she denies it. He asks her if she wants to come back to SE with him. The doorknob of their room rattles a bit. Don Loco asks her if there is someone else in the house. Who else has keys, who would be here this late? Alfonsina gets a little impactado.

Monday – Don Loco shoots somebody. I’m sure we’re supposed to think it is Gasca/New Hugo, but we’ll see.

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