Caray, Caray!

Guadalajara - It's nighttime and someone's sneaking around with a flashlight. Chava peeks out of his closet and watches. The dark figure grabs Chava and yells "I found you, yaaaaaa!!!", ha ha it's only Candy. It's a game and she's the monster, the tickle monster to be exact.

Patricio admires the Guadalajara jewelry, it incredible and sexy. He says it's all so good he needs help deciding what to export. Blah blah Jalisco is known for Tequila and this town will be known for jewelry.

Santiago rests with his little girl sleeping on his chest. Mama Isabel says she's a good girl and takes after her dad. Santi says she's like her mom. Ma disses his ex, it's one thing to leave a husband but a child? Santi thanks her for coming to Guadalajara with them. Isabel can't lie, she's worried about him, he's alone and his heart is alone and cold. He mentions his girlfriend but Ma says Marissa isn't the woman for him. She's an OK bed partner but not a life partner. Hippie ma tells it like it is. Santi looks thoughtful.

Candy tells Chava that tomorrow he'd better be careful because the monster of hugs and kisses is coming for him. Chava listens to her chest to hear her heart and says the monster's not bad because it has a good heart. They make a big deal about him having to go "pipi". I guess to a kid going pee before bed can be important. OK, yeah it is a big deal because he hasn't wet the bed in two nights. I don't blame ma for giving him a lot of positive reinforcement about going pee BEFORE bed.

After Chava runs off to brush his teeth and go pipi she recalls Pato's romantic words a week before their marriage. She thanked him for waiting for her, it meant a lot because he was her first and she wanted him to be her last. This must be the night that Chava was conceived. Apparently she's got a good memory for details after all these years, maybe because it was her first and only time.

Later Candy is pensive; she sees Tio cheek-flap snoring on the couch and tells him to go to bed. Sitting alone on the couch she calls Lulu. She tells Lulu even though she has her two men (son and uncle) she feels alone and sad.

Jorge's got his suitcase packed and is leaving Soledad because the kid Beto isn't his, it was all a lie and she knew all along. Soledad denies it, says she went out with a guy before she went out with Jorge but she never imagined... (As they say in SNL, Oh Really!) She begs him to stay and at least say goodbye to Beto but he refuses. He's going to California and who knows when he'll be in touch. What a jerk, won't even say goodbye to the kid! As he leaves she continues to weep that she didn't know. Good riddance I say.

Isabel puts a photo of John Lennon on the piano and Rocio asks is it grandpa? (Ouch, do I ever feel old.) Isabel laughs and says he was in the Beatles, one of the most famous groups of her generation. Donato the butler tells Rocio that the Rolling Stones were one of the greatest groups. Isabel says, as she lights candles for the John Lennon piano shrine, in this house they do not accept Rolling Stones fanatics.

Santi and his anesthetist friend Eduardo talk about his niece Lucia while discussing plastic surgery, Santi's afraid, she's just an adolescent, should they use a general or local anesthetic? Local of course, answers Eduardo, he adds Santi is overly concerned because Lucia's parents died in a car accident. Santi says he thinks of her as a daughter, he adopted her and she should be obedient. Ed pours a drink for himself and changes the subject, does Santi want to go see Chivas on Sunday? "Blasphemy, Blasphemy!", Santi says he'll only go see Chivas to see them lose against America. Ed admits that since they've been in Guadalajara Chivas has begun to grow on him. Santi takes the booze, thank you amigo. Ed says he knows the look in Santi's eyes, he's found a new love victim. Candida, says Santi, she's resabrrrrrrosa! Santi brags that there are two women in the world, those who have been in his bed and those who will be. Ed asks, well has she? No, but it won't be long, answers Santiago confidently.

Meeeester Raul is doing a foto shoot and corn cob sis with evil eyes is helping. No wait, he's helping her by letting her do fotos to advertise her novio's practice. He says he's known Santi since they were in school and to him women are only a pasttime. He doesn't want to see his sis get used and thrown in the trash. She pooh poohs her bro with her overly-botoxed upper lip that has no shape. Weird.

I guess Meeeester Raul owns the magazine because Tio Meño is bugging him about publishing his niece's fabulous new column called...called...that thing she always says..."Stupid women don't go to heaven"! Raul is intrigued.

Santi runs into Candy on the street and says he was looking for her. Well she doesn't want to see him. He asks what's the prob, he just wanted to invite her to eat, nothing more. Liar, she shouts, you want me to end up in your bed! He wants to know what's so bad about that and she reminds him of his girlfriend. Ha ha just kidding, he lies. She insists she wants no men in her life! He suggests that she prefers women and they can be friends, heh. He punches her in the arm. She punches him back and knees him in the nuts. Oh these wacky kids!

The mariachis sing and Santi talks really fast. He and Candy trade insults and he refuses to leave until she apologizes. No, HE should apologize and he can sit there all day if he wants, she asks him is he stupid 24 hours a day or does he ever rest? Blah blah blah men only think of the bed. He insists he has a brain. Yeah between your legs, she retorts, that why men only think of one thing! The Mariachis celebrate Candy's verbal victory by playing a refrain "que la chancla que yo tiró no la vuelvo a levantar". (Shoes that I throw away I'll never pick up again.)

Isabel tells her nieta that they're going for a cruise in Granny's old hippie bus, Rocio will see how Granny got around when she was young. Donato the butler has a million reasons why they shouldn't go, the bus is old, hasn't been driven in years, needs work. As if Isabel's going to do what he says! She and the kid take off and Donato mutters "Arriba los Rolling Stones!"

We're at the swanky apartments where Pato and Alicia now live. Alicia's ma shows up (with a suitcase), says she's lonely in the DF and gives Alicia a hard time for marrying Patricio. Al says yeah so what he's my husband and what do you want, money? She pretends to throw money at ma and ma says she's felt very bad ever since dad died. Alicia says it's all Candy's fault that dad died. She tells her ma to beat it and ma says she's off to look for dad's brother Meño, she has his address. Alicia's not interested, Dad didn't care about his brother when he was alive much less now that he's dead. Alicia is super cold so we know she's a money-grubbing, man stealing, parent-hating witch. Still, it's kind of crappy that all of a sudden mean old mom shows up just because she's feeling lonely.

Hippie bus plays yeah-yeah music loudly and drives through the city. Not to be too particular, but yeah-yeah music isn't exactly hippie music. Nevertheless Granny and the kid have a great time driving to the park even though the 50's yeah-yeah music doesn't quite match up with the peace sign.

Candy comes home and sees Tío Meño going through some old things. She finds her favorite hideous big-eyed cat puppet "Merengue" in Tío's donation box. Holy crap that thing scared the hell out of me. I'll probably have nightmares about it tonight. Candy wants Tío to play like they used to do when she was a kid. Tío cries because this box of memories reminds him of his brother and how much he suffered when they lived in the DF; his family treated him like trash and gave him the boot and he was alone. That's why he hates hates hates the DF. Ah well, he shakes it off, Fuera de Dolor!

Some lady, a new character, asks a young man why he wants to look for his father. He insists he'll look for dad, he has a right. This must be Meño's kid. His name is Charly. Lady says his dad doesn't even know his name and she doesn't want to discuss it. Charly's managed to find an old foto that will help with later identification. He begs, why can't I meet him?

Guadalajara (I'm not sure why they tell us Guadalajara. Maybe the prior scene was elsewhere?) - Meester Raul tells his secretary to call Fabian in LA and ask what happened to his exclusive interview with Salma Hayek, then he says some la-dee-dah about La Fea Mas Bella being the most popular telenovela in the U.S. He immerses himself in work but looks at a photo of his dead wife. Another broken heart.

I'm not sure about Granny's common sense. She tells Rocio to enjoy her sandwich alone while she (granny) leaves to go for a walk. Is it safe to leave a little girl alone in the park? Two little scamps, Chava and Beto I think, watch Rocio from behind a tree and want her sandwich. Chava has an idea. They sit next to her on the bench and gross her out with their boy talk. One of them has a cold and he's got big booger snots, big green delicious boogers. They're disgusting, all in his mouth and on his tongue. The big green boogers are just disgusting, disgusting! She runs off to granny leaving her sandwich on the bench. The boys dine.

Meester Raul dolefully watches a video of himself and his pregnant dead wife Angela, ahhh...happier days. Marissa comes in and tells him her death wasn't his fault. He says he was too busy working so he made Angela take a taxi. Mari tries to give him a pep talk, Angela died five years ago, you're marvelous, fall in love and get married. Never, he says as he watches the video.

Candy's friend Lulu bursts into the house and is all excited about her internet date. She wants Candy to go with her for a double date. Candy doesn't want to go, she hates that sort of arranged blind date. She teases Lulu about her date with "Juan Tenorio" (Ladies Man). Lulu says fine for Candy but she misses living with a man. Candy's confused, Lulu has never lived with a man. "That makes me miss it even more", Lulu reasons.

Santiago and his friend Eduardo AKA "Juan Tenorio" wait for the chicks to show up. Santi is mortified because Ed is wearing an America hat in Chivas territory, is he nuts? Ed says it's for ID and his date's internet handle is "Hot Moon". Santi laughs...Hot Moon, ha ha. Eduardo is excited when the girls show up, he thinks Candy is his Hot Moon. (Hot Moon? Candy is also amused but not at Ed's America hat.) Lulu interjects that SHE is Hot Moon. Ed quickly grabs Candy and introduces Santi as Juan Tenorio. Candy says he's not Juan Tenorio, his name is Caca de Perro! Lulu hugs Santi, she seems happier with the substitute Juan Tenorio Caca de Perro and who wouldn't be? Santi calls Candy a witch. She repeats his name is Caca de Perro. (Univision bleeped out all the cacas but it was obvious what she said.)

Back at home Santi's niece Lucia tells Granny she studied up on Hippies on the internet and read something about a concert that lasted for days called Woodstock (Ha, my closed captions said "Houston" instead of "Woodstock"), did Granny go? Hell yeah, Isabel says, your grandfather took me and we had a marvelous time. Lucia asks did they believe in free love? Of course, says Granny. Lucia gets excited and Granny back pedals, free love is OK for those who love each other, ahem. Lucia looks hopeful.

Candy makes fun of the way Santi drinks his Tequila like a city boy. She says he puts too much salt on his lime and makes a big deal out of throwing back a shot, what an ugly show! He gets sarcastic, "Oh so now the Tapatia's giving classes to the Chilango and Guadalajara is the city of Tequila, Eduardo Yanez, La Gaviota and Destilando amor, Please!" She's about to bonk his Chilango head with a bottle of tequila and says she doesn't watch telenovelas. She tells him Tequila should be sipped neat and slowly. She demonstrates. He asks why does she hate him? They bicker some more that suburbanites think they're better than anyone else. I'm already growing weary of all their talking. It's funny but not so much when I'm trying to translate every word which I'm about to stop doing.

She starts making weird snipping motions, SSSSSSST! SSSSSSST! Que the hell? he asks. Change of format here to avoid the he said she said:
Candy: "Pruning shears!!"
Santi: Are you a gardener?
C: Ha ha you'll be singing soprano in the choir.
S: Ahhh...castrato. As if you could!
C: Hell yes I could!
S: I'm a plastic surgeon, not a psychiatrist but you hate men. What about your boyfriend? Oh, don't have one? Then maybe a girlfriend?
C: SSSSSST! SSSSSSST! (Snipping motions)
Candy flounces off and Santi chatters to himself, toasts Juan Tenorio and Hot Moon and sings "Ay Gaviotaaaaa." (Heh, good one writers.)

Later on Tío shows Candy her new column "Las Estupidas no Van al Cielo". Wow, that got published quickly. Things really move along here in Guadalajara. She seems surprised at the title which is weird because didn't she have to sign an agreement or write the articles or something? He says he chose it because she says it all the time. He likes it but he wasn't so fond of what she wrote..."Why don't wives know their husband's salaries?" and "Why so much mystery over what they earn?" I'm not sure why he would care but she answers "well isn't it true?"

Eduardo comes back to work and asks why did Santi leave? Santi says because the friend of Full Moon, pardon, Hot Moon left. Ed wonders, "What, she didn't like you?" Santi says "Well of course she liked me but blah blah blah." Sorry I didn't understand at all what he said.

The two little scamps sit on a bench in front of a fountain, think, wiggle their legs, and have to go pipi. What's up with the pipi in this episode? And why are they allowed to say pipi but not caca?

Santi has another beautiful customer who's coming on to him. He says she's got a beautiful bod but he can add a little to her breasts, lift her glutes a little. In the middle of his schtick Candy shows up and says she's been looking for him. Ever since he worked on her she can't, you know, in the morning. "What?" he wants to know. "I can't you know, down there (points to nether regions)." The potential customer gasps. Candy says something about his partner sitting with her on the bed and crying. "You're married?" customer asks. Candy says. "No of course not, you know his 'partner', Eduardo the anesthetist!" Aha.... Potential customer takes off. Candy laughs in Santi's face, he accused her of liking women and she can say the same thing about him liking men. Hahahaha she cackles like a hyena.

The boys see a lady (Candy's mom) checking out Tio's house. "Hey, she's looking at your house" the one kid says to Chava. Meño comes out, sends the kids inside and covers by telling her the boys belong to the cleaning lady and are like kids to him. She breaks the news to him that his brother Clemente died last year. She tries to apologize, "I never considered you a monster", but he waves her off in his grief.

Candy tells Santi he has no morals. He says thanks to her that woman who WAS his patient has gone for good. Anyway, nobody but nobody will believe he's gay. They blab a bunch more, she challenges him and he lays a big fat blubbery kiss on her and she starts sneezing and stuttering, "me me me me me.... " Santi mocks her, "mememememem ha ha ha!" "Me beso!" she cries with cara impactada. "Ha ha now nobody will think I don't like kissing women!" he proclaims.

Meño looks at pictures of Clemente and grieves for his brother. Chava comes home and wants to know why his tío's crying, they say at school that men don't cry. Tío says yes they do cry and crying doesn't make you less of a man. Chava starts to leave then runs back, gives his tío a big hug and tells him he loves him which really sets Meño off crying.

Santiago kisses Candy again and the romantic music plays. He says that second kiss was even better than the other. As he leaves he tells her she needs classes because she kisses very badly, he gives free lessons every morning in his office. She wipes her mouth with her hankie and gasps, "he kissed me two times...two times!"

Tomorrow, another three way argument between Santi, Marissa and Candy. Santi says Candy's a patient with sagging boobies. Candy tells Marissa that Santi kissed her.

Labels: Tontas